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Original poster

feels like I'm desperately seeking a link to my mum

58 replies

ssd · 21/09/2012 23:31

mum died 2 weeks ago, still cant believe I'm posting that

am desperate to find some link to her, I'm not spiritual or religious, I'm not getting any comfort from anything

has anyone got any advice or positive stories?

have no other wider family for support/links

OP posts:
BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 22/09/2012 01:24

My Dad is still with me in the stories he told, the sayings and poems he taught me...he is right with me because of course...I am part of him.

She really is within you in that way. When I got too sad, I did remind myself how Dad would hate that...and would want me to try to be happy.

SSD it will take at least a year before the fog lifts a bit. I hope you can sleep.xxx

LookMaOneHand · 22/09/2012 01:44

I'm so sorry. It is so raw at the beginning, maybe you can't see the links now because the loss, her physical absence, is so immediate and overwhelming.

People talk about how, in time, you can remember with a smile. This is the link, in my experience. But it does take time, sometimes a long time, before memories bring more comfort than pain. The memories, the lessons, the shared jokes that still make me laugh when something reminds me of them, all feel like a link with her now, years later. It is true that the relationship doesn't die just because the person does.

I don't know if you have dc. For me, there is a huge link there, even though neither of my parents lived to see them. Familiar mannerisms, a look on one of their faces for a split second, little glimpses of my parents that are so comforting. I also see them both in myself as a parent, and try to carry on little traditions from my own childhood so my dc have a link back.

I really feel for you.

chipmonkey · 23/09/2012 13:47

ssd, so sorry you lost your Mum. I lost my baby daughter almost a year ago and my Dad 10 years ago.
I am spiritual and I do believe I have had signs from my daughter to let me know she is here. I also found that when I asked for signs, I got them.
Even if you don't think that way, Remember that you carry half her DNA, and that just by being you, you are carrying on her presence. And that all the memories you have of her mean that she will live on in your heart. And it does go down the line too! My ds3 never met my Dad but he walks and talks just like Dad!

amillionyears · 23/09/2012 14:02

Dont have much experience of this.
And very sorry for your loss.
Are you saying you are not finding looking at photos comforting?
If I were you I wouldnt be in too much of a hurry to discard all of her personal possessions.
And,in time,would tracing your family tree be of some benefit and comfort to you?

amillionyears · 23/09/2012 14:03

chipmonkey Sad about your DD too.

Original poster
ssd · 23/09/2012 21:10

amillionyears, I'm the opposite of being in a hurry to discard any of her personnel possessions, I want to keep them all forever but thats impossible

I'm just needing something to let me know she hasnt totally gone, I cant bear it

OP posts:
amillionyears · 23/09/2012 21:14

Was she spiritual or religious?

tiredemma · 23/09/2012 21:20

Oh Ssd im so sorry to hear this. I know how special your mum was to you. Sincere heartfelt love to you.

Original poster
ssd · 23/09/2012 21:45

oh thanks emma! I've still got the little letter you sent me with the next vouchers, you wrote that I was a good daughter and I kept reading this when things were getting tough and I felt like I wasn't doing much to help mum...thanks for your post x

and amillionyears, no, mum wasn't and I'm not really either, I wish I was, I think it'd be a it of comfort just now

OP posts:
amillionyears · 23/09/2012 21:47

It would be a comfort.I will pray that you find comfort and peace. x

Original poster
ssd · 23/09/2012 21:50

thank you x

OP posts:
tiredemma · 23/09/2012 21:57

I remember you telling me about your lovely mum and how you looked after her. I think i said that she was lucky to have a wonderful, caring daughter. And she was. Im really sad to see she has passed away and how sad you are. Take comfort in knowing that no doubt you filled her life with unquestionable love- im sending love and best wishes to you and your lovely family x

Original poster
ssd · 24/09/2012 16:12

thank you x

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/09/2012 11:28

She will always be part of you, always in your heart and soul.....

I lost my mum just over 2 years ago now - you are still in that awful raw stage of grief but my darling I promise you that although you will never get over it, you will learn to live with it and eventually you will be able to think of your dear mum and smile.

I think about my mum every single day, and I did see her about a six months or so after she died....she came to me to tell me she was ok....I never saw her again but I did get comfort from that.

Hugs to you xx

mummylin2495 · 25/09/2012 13:43

I am so sorry for your loss,i am now ten months from where you are and i must be honest it still feels like it happened yesterday.But I am not in tears everyday like i was in the beginning.I have a Photo of my mum in my lounge and in the evenings i always light candles by her photo.I talk to her and tell her things as though she is still here,and for me she always will be.Its her physical presence i really miss.There is no short cut to lessen the grief, but as time has gone on and there have already been a lot of the "firsts" although still so sad,its not as bad as it was in the first couple of weeks.We all talk about mum a lot and this for us helps to keep her with us.Take each day as it comes,you will not always feel as you do now i promise you.

Original poster
ssd · 25/09/2012 19:08

thank you to both of you

it just feels all consuming just now, I'm thinking of nothing else or just staring into space thinking about her

I feel like I'm always just on the edge of crying, and thats hard as I went back to work today, working with the public

I'd love her to come to me and tell me she's ok, I'd calm down and live with it better I think

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 25/09/2012 23:16

I know ,its just devastating isnt it.At first i was so angry with the hospital,then when i thought it all through more rationally,i dwelt on the things that hadnt happened to mum ,rather than the thing that had taken her from us.She always had a fear of dementia,going into a home and certainly im almost sure that if mum had ended up with a stroke and not being able to do what she was used to ,she would of hated it and been so unhappy.But still the sadness is there all the time.I miss her so much and cant believe i havent seen her for the longest time ever in my life.I think the first few months i must of been on auto pilot and have forgotten lots of things that i had to do.Thank god my brother was the other executor or i would never have got through it all.Like you i have boxes and boxes of my mums things here,when it came to clearing her house i could not bear to throw anything away.either because ,mum touched that ,wrote that ,loved that.When i feel more like it i will go through it all.I know i cant keep it but i am not ready to dispose of anything of hers.All these things are my links to my mum.And i am sure she is around me.Certain things i think "oh i better not do that ,mum wont like that " and things like that.My heart was broken that day,but i think i am healing just a little bit.Please continue posting if it helps you at all.I found it so helpful to post on here in the early days.

Original poster
ssd · 26/09/2012 09:43

thank you mummlin, thats just how I feel, like I'm on auto pilot and not eally taking anything in. I havent spoken to my mum in 3 weeks now and it feels like forever. I spoke to her every day since my dad died 14 yrs ago, I'm the only relative here that was near mum and so we became really close, to the point I sort of became like her mum/carer. I really involved her in our family life as there was no one else here for her.
I just cant I believe that she's gone. I woke early this morning thinking that she went at the t time for her, she was 85 and very frail, but the wrong time for me. But the right, but the right time would never have been there, I see that now.
I thought with her age and frailty I'd be more ready for this, but I wasnt at all

OP posts:
Original poster
ssd · 26/09/2012 09:44

the right time for her ^

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 26/09/2012 12:07

ssd - have you heard of a book called Motherless Daughters? I found it quite helpful reading it when my mum died as it made me realise that what I was feeling was perfectly normal, and that I wasn't going bonkers etc etc.

If you message me your add I will happily send you my copy.

No time is ever right.....my mum was 72 and I feel cheated massively and I would have felt the same even if she had been 102!! She was my lovely mum and I never would have been ready to lose her!

Be kind to yourself.

conantg · 26/09/2012 17:03

So sorry for your loss. It is so difficult when you have to go back to work and just get on with day to day living. It is still very early days for you and you are right to speak to your Mum when you are at home, and have a good cry if you want to. In time things will be less painful. You were fortunate to have a wonderful Mum but do remember that she too was fortunate to have such a loving caring daughter who loved her so much. Your mum will always, always be with you, in your heart.

chimchar · 26/09/2012 18:04

hi ssd.

My mum died very suddenly 3 years ago. i was only thinking earlier about what a long and painful road the whole grief thing is.

i'm so sorry about your mum...its such a harsh blow to be without a mum.

i remember feeling very much like you do in the earlier days. there is nothing really which helped me, but now, the pain is not so raw. i can talk about my mum in passing without welling up.

please don't worry about work. even if you do get a little tearful, people will understand, and if you are struggling to be there, then call in sick.

thinking of you. x

ILovePonyo · 26/09/2012 18:09

Hi ssd I remember seeing you on the other thread, sorry if I didn't respond. My dad died suddenly 5 months ago now and it's still hard. I'm not religious but kind of want to go to the church where we had his funeral just to sit there, I feel it could be comforting in some way but I could be wrong.

So I get where you're coming from, god the first few weeks are just a fog aren't they, you just have to keep plodding on and hope it gets better. Sending you a hug Smile

ILovePonyo · 26/09/2012 18:12

Oh just to add, my dad died very suddenly, it was confirmed that he wouldn't have felt it and wouldn't have been in pain, and if someone had been with him they wouldn't have been able to do something. I find a little peace in that, as I would have hated to think of him suffering. In the early days that didn't help but it does now.

mummylin2495 · 26/09/2012 19:09

ILovePonyo my mum was like your dad and died very very suddenly.Up until then she was a healthy 83yr old.Drove ,did all her own cooking ,gardening,ferried her friends around who in her words were "old" It was a terrible terrible shock and i cant help feeling sad that mum never got to say goodbye to any of us ,nor us to her.Of course i am very grateful that mum didnt suffer and i hope and pray that she didnt feel any pain in the last few minutes of her life .This is what haunts me.I worry about wether she was scared and i find this so upsetting.I dont think i will ever get over it.But i have a lot of happy memories not least being the ones we had from our holiday which we returned from a few days before she left us.We were all so happy [ mum and my siblings and dh] thank god we didnt know what was around the corner.I am dreading the 1st anniversay which will be here in about 6 weeks.How do others cope with this ?