feels like I'm desperately seeking a link to my mum

[ssd]

mum died 2 weeks ago, still cant believe I'm posting that

am desperate to find some link to her, I'm not spiritual or religious, I'm not getting any comfort from anything

has anyone got any advice or positive stories?

have no other wider family for support/links

Sorry to hear about your mum mummylin :( I can relate to a lot of what you have said - I am grateful my dad didn't suffer too, but wish I'd been able to tell him how much I loved him before he died. He knew it but it would have been nice to tell him iyswim. He was only 66 too so young really.

I worry too about my dad being scared but have been told he wouldn't have known it was happening, whether this is true or not I take comfort in it! I'm also grateful for lovely memories of my dad, he really was such a great dad and lovely grandad to my dd, she's only 1 so won't remember him but we wave night night to his photo every night when she goes to bed :)

I have no advice for you for the first anniversary, if its not too hard maybe getting together with family to remember her? Wishing you the best for it x x

thanks again everyone and so sorry for all of you losses

mummylin, you talking about your siblings stricked a cord, but for the wrong reasons

my siblings all live 100's of miles away and literally left to go home straight after the funeral..I know they arent as affected about this as I am, they lived away from where me and mum stay and they have been away 30 yrs plus

mum was never part of their day to day life

so anyway, they left straight away and I just feel so lonely, like I'm grieving for her myself

dh has been great, but she wasnt his mum, although he is grieving too

but I know I'm the only one grieving for a mum, siblings are too removed from the whole thing emotionally and have been for years

its lonely grieving alone

So sorry for your loss ((())) My mum died aged 52 (the age I am now) and that was 27 years ago (my firstborn was 3 months old). I am in tears reading this thread, you never really get over it (in my experience) but you do come to some sort of acceptance over time.
I could not talk about my mum for YEARS and YEARS without crying (see I am doing it now). It takes different people different amounts of time (just as with any other experience).

ssd That is so sad about your siblings.I am very lucky in that respect and they all helped me so much.I am the eldest of six [ one now deceased ] and they really all looked after me.But I am the one that mum saw nearly every day because the others were at work.I would look out of my kitchen window and sure enough my mum would arrive for a cuppa ,or a chat or often to bring me some homemade scones.I see the cars like hers drive past my house and a white haired lady in there and just for a second i think its my mum coming.Its horrible for you to have to grieve alone ,but maybe we can all help you along this very sad path.It is all so new for you at the moment and i expect you are stuggling to comprehend it all.You will get there but it takes time.I have a picture of my mum on my fireplace that my brother did for all of us,i keep flowers there all the time and in the evenings i light two little candles. also did a silly thing for Xmas and my birthday,i put up an old Xmas card which said to my daughter and Son in law,and on my birthday one which said Happy birthday dear Daughter.I cant tell how much better doing a little thing like that made me feel.I am so glad i saved all Mum's cards to me.

mummylin, I did that too

it was our anniversary 2 days after mum died then my birthday 3 days after her funeral

I had cards she had previously sent for both occasions and I looked at them and was comforted by them on both days, when it was my birthday I was off work on bereavement days and I put up her card when the kids were in school, it felt nice to see it on the windowsill

I am really struggling to comprehend it all, it still feels totally unreal

It is really good to be able to post on here, earlier I was lying down and I woke up feeling tight in my throat, kind of panicky at the thought of losing mum and not seeing her again, I thought there must be something wrong with me, everyone else is getting on with life and I'm feeling worse as the days go on, no one else feels this bad about it all...then I came on here and read this thread and a message I got and I felt better,like, no, I'm normal, its ok to feel like this. other girls have been in my situation and felt the same, so I must be ok and not going mad with it all

Betty, thanks for your message, can you let me know if you got my reply, when I clicked "sent" my screen went blank, I dont know if it worked

xx

I should have saved her Xmas card to me...maybe I'll write one to myself from her, it feels like she is in my heart so its like she is still writing it

Dont worry ,it sounds like you are perfectly normal to me. I think we have to go through a whole range of different emotions,disbelief, utter heartbreak ,even anger at her being taken from us.I dont know when you start to believe its really happened but i still refuse to believe it at the moment.I think i have delayed reactions to it all ,because i was so busy after mum died doing all the stuff that we had to do ,and that included clearing her house which took my brother and I ages because many times we would go there and couldnt face doing it.But we had to do it eventually as it had to be sold.I have so much stuff here which i class as having " saved " boxes of it ! have no idea what i will do with it all,but tomorrow there is a mumsnetter coming here and i am giving her my mums knitting machine.I will never use it and i know mum would be happy someone can make use of it.I am so glad that you have kept cards like i have ,it helps a little dosent it.Poor you having your birthday so close to the funeral day.You have had a rotten time havent you.

i also have put her name and number and even her ringtone tune and photo into the new mobile i had from dh just after she died.I know it will never ring ,but i cant bear not to have it on there.I have mums mobile here and one day am going to look at it and see if she has any messages to me in her archives.If she has im going to send them to myself .

thats a nice idea about the mobile

today I have to go to hers and clear he clothes out, am in tears at the thought of it and it makes me feel actually sick but the council need the keys back in 2 weeks and I have limited time off work so am going to try to do it today

friends have offered to help but I cant accept it, its something I need to do alone..everything she owned I bought her, except maybe a cardi at Xmas. so everything is so personnel to me, it all brings back a memory, I know it'll take me ages, I just hope I find the strength to do it

it is all so very lonely

and thats nice your mums knitting machine is being passed on, I love that idea

I've been tying to find ways to give things of mums away that would help others, but am running out of time with it all

its so brutal just having 4 weeks to clear a house when someone dies, the council are very cut and dried about it

its taken me nearly 3 weeks just to believe it has happened and I still dont believe it really

ssd My Mum died 11 years ago , I still miss her , but not in that terrible way I did at the time of her death .
She died in November , and on that Boxing Day night I dreamt a really vivid dream.
I was arriving at my parents house , Mum was in the porch . I ran in saying " I knew it wasn't true , you haven't died " she replied that yes she had died, but she was allowed to come back and see us as we weren't coping very well . We had a lovely afternoon , Mum , Dad , 2 sisters and me , chatting . Then Mum said she had to go .
I started to feel better after that . < even though I just had tears in my eyes writing it down >

Your Mum will always be with you, she is the one who made you who you are, just look in the mirror and find the similar features you share the memories the wonderful times, she will always be a part of you, as your children are of you. Death is a natural cycle of life, it is hard and painful but it has to be. I have lost quite a few people dear to me, some at a very young age, time does make it easier. Be gentle with yourself and your saddness with unfold naturally, you will be happy again.

We usually go out for lunch ( me and my sisters ) on her birthday .
You can still celebrate her life and remember the happy times .

SSd, when my mum died it took me and my db 2 years to clear her stuff. I couldn't face doing any of it for at least 8 or 9 months, and neither did he.

I think it is much too soon for you to try clearing out her clothes. I would justbagthem all up and put them in storage, then go through them when you feel up to it. x

There is another nice thing to come out of mums knitting wool.She had been an avid knitter all through her life and she had enough wool to fill a shop.My friend took lots home and has knitted lots of little baby clothes which we are going to take to the Naomi hospice shop.[ childrens hospice ] This is another thing mum would of liked.She was always telling me not to throw all her wool out.A lot of the furniture we sent to british heart foundation so that will also raise funds for them.I could not sort her clothes so my aunt did it for me.SSd i agree its too soon for you to have to do that,at least we didnt have to rush it all ,but when dh's dad died we also had to give the keys back and we had ten days to do it. Go and get some storage boxes and store it for now ,then sort at your leisure when you feel more up to it.

just wanted to say I am so sorry that you have lost you mum, i too havent gone through this yet, and i can't imagine what you feel like.

I think you will find the link in a wonderful way, when you least expect it, and that your mum will know your pain, and she is there for you, quietly.

sending lots of love to you. xx

SSD, I'm so sorry about your mum. i remember you starting up the Elderly Parents topic ages ago. I haven't gone through what you're going through, but the stories on this thread have brought tears to my eyes. DH lost his lovely DF last December, so the anniversary is coming up. It's all so terribly sad. I, too think it seems very quick for you to have to decide what to do with all your mum's stuff - perhaps storage could be an interim solution? Take care of yourself.

ssd yes I did get your message thanks - I have replied!!

Re saving stuff - I have all mums emails on my computer at work and sometimes when I am feeling a bit down I click on them and read them......it is so comforting to read her words but it is bittersweet...... seeing her words "bye for now darling love mum" makes me cry every time, I have to nip out to the loos....ridiculous and I dont know why I do it to myself.

Her and dad holidayed a lot and in DS's room I have all the postcards up she she used to send him.

She wrote a letter to us all which dad found not long after she died - I read it every now and again but again, comforting as it is to have last words from her, it's sad too...her writing is really wonky, she must have written it in her last couple of weeks bless her.

Hugs to you darling, it will get easier, I promise xx

...and yes, she is still in my mobile phone contact list - I have them as mum and dad and I will never take her off that!

betty i too have a last letter from my mum which i found whilst going through mums box of legal papers.It was simply addressed " to my children* In it mum said she hoped it would bring us some comfort and this was followed by the most beautiful verse. I have the original and i copied it for my siblings.I even have my mums potato peeler which i kept because Mum held it in her hand ! And so now i have boxes of stuff which i need to sort but cant bring myself to do at the moment.I want to keep everything.

I have just started clearing mum's clothes. She died over 10mo ago. In fact there is a bag of clothes down stairs which I need to put into recycling but I can't quite cope with putting any of her stuff in the bin. But there is only so long your husband should have to share a sofa with his mil's pants.

I know when mum died we were really busy -there was so much to do. DS was 5 weeks (and had had a very traumatic start and I had no idea what his future held) and 5 weeks later my dad was taken seriously ill. I really didn't take the time to grieve.

My mat leave has now ended, I'm sorting mum's clothes out, DS walked for the first time today and I go back to work on Tuesday. I think I have cried more this week than I have since she died. The world is moving on and she's not part of it. It is so hard that she never really knew DS and that he never knew her. Dd (now 3) still talks about her and occasionally comes out with lines that are pure mum.

last week she told me that when people hurt her she cries. I told her I do too. She asked who the last person was who made me sad. Even though I lied told her I couldn't remember she correctly guessed it was granny and promised to tell her off when she finished dieing and came back.

hello golemmings i remember talking to you on the original thread we had going.It does not seem possible that all these months have gone by does it.I really feel for you still having to do the clearing.here everything is all finished.It was a struggle at times but the very last thing was mums headstone which is now in place .They have only just levelled the plot out and seeded it.But that is the final thing.So your little boy must be having his first birthday very soon now ? Hope you get through all your tasks without too much upset.

He's 1 next weekend. We've got through most of the firsts now, Christmas, mothers day, mum's birthday, m&d's anniversary

I remember your threads about clearing your mum's place. I assumed dad would want to do mum's stuff but apparently not. It's quite hard because her stuff is all in 2 wardrobes, one in cd's room and one in our room (where DS sleeps) and the only time I get to sort anything is when the kids are in bed which of course is the time I can't have access to it. I usually just grab a bin bag of stuff as we're leaving and sort it out here. I'm not enjoying it though.

Mum was hurried in a natural burial ground and they have a bulb planting day next month. We've not been back since she was buried so we've missed the wild flower meadows at their best but we're going to plant some for next year.

The other thing I want to do is write a book about mum and other key people in my childhood for my children. They won't really remember their granny and I'm the only person who remembers my childhood so I want to make sure the stories are written down for them. You can now buy books to give to grandparents to get them to tell their story. I'm wondering if I ones mum well enough to fill one in for her or whether just to buy one for dad.

Does it feel better when you've got everything sorted out?

hi everyone
I tried to clear out stuff at mums today but I couldnt do it
its all too soon, but the council want her keys back in 2 weeks so I need to face it
I dont know where to keep stuff in storage, I havent got room for everything I cant bear to clear out, we've got no garage, small loft (almost full anyway), no spare rooms
I hope I find strength somewhere fo all this, the evening before her funeral I came down with feeling of calmness and it lasted the next day at the funeral, I really felt she was giving me strength to got through it..I need it back now to deal with clearing her flat out

mummylin, where do you keep everything? I feel this is staring me in the face and I cant see it, everything feels out of kilter