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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Lost my beautiful premature boy

67 replies

Mechavivzilla · 13/05/2012 11:25

On Monday April 30th I went into labour and gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, Dexter. He was not due until August so 16 weeks early. I had had no problems, we had no warning. The whole thing took six hours start to finish.

He was born alive and had been strong and fighting. Sadly yesterday it was all proving too much and there was nothing more the Doctors could do for him. He passed away in our arms.

We bathed and dressed him and had a little time together as a family but we are broken. My husband is wonderful and supportive but we are both just lost.

Help?

OP posts:

5madthings · 13/05/2012 11:29

oh i am so so sorry :( much love to you and your husband, do post here as much as you like, there are sadly other ladies in your situation who will be able to offer much more advice and support xxx

RandomMess · 13/05/2012 11:32

So sorry to read this, sadly you are not alone lots of the bereaved parents will help you through this and SANDS has been fantastic for all the people I know personally who have been affected.

FamiliesShareGerms · 13/05/2012 11:36

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Second SANDS as a source of support. Hope others with other help to share will be along soon.

stressheaderic · 13/05/2012 11:39

I'm sorry for your loss, Dexter is a lovely name for your precious son. Go easy on yourselves. Lots of love and prayers xx

Original poster

Mechavivzilla · 13/05/2012 16:03

Thank you for the thoughts. Have had a little look at the SANDS site, I am sure that will be a lot of help. The Bliss site, while great, is very much geared towards babies who will be able to come home and that hope is lost for us now.

OP posts:

scarlettsmummy2 · 13/05/2012 16:05

So sorry for your loss.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2012 16:09

Sorry for your loss.

MrsY · 13/05/2012 23:11

So sorry.

If it would help you, pop by the thread here. It's been great for me. x

birdofthenorth · 13/05/2012 23:26

I'm so so sorry to hear of your loss. Dexter is a beautiful name and I'm sure he was a beautiful little man. Sending you both enormous hugs and strongest prayers xxx

greengoose · 13/05/2012 23:46

I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like Dexter fought hard to spend as much time with you as he could.... And that you and your DH loved him dearly. He would have had his time inside you where he was wrapped in your love too.

My little girl Merryn was born on the 12th April, and after 6days on NICU at Great Ormond St she died in our arms. She would have been a month old today.

I can't give you any advice about how the future will be because I'm not far enough on yet, but the support on here has been amazing. In RL I am still getting though from hour to hour, and it's very up and down. My DP and I just try to be gentle with each other. You must keep eating and drinking, and looking after yourself. Your body has been through a lot, so try to get lots of rest.... I know when Merryn was in NICU we lived from moment to moment and I can still see the monitors and hear the beeps if I shut my eyes. It was exhausting in every way. I hope you and your husband have family or friends around to support you... you will feel a little less lost over time, but your world has just been turned so for now you just need to take care of each other and say goodbye to your little boy.

I don't know if it'll help, but the only quote I've identified with about how this might be something I can one day live with said that 'grief is like having a jagged stone inside us... It doesn't disappear, but in time the edges become less sharp'. I guess I don't think I'll ever 'get over' this, but I can see that one day I might find a way to live with it as part of me.

This is a good place to come to say whatever you feel, and to talk about your little boy, if you'd like. I'd love to hear about him? Dexter is a great name... You must be so proud of how strong he was for such a little one.

If there is any way I can help or any questions about what to do or what happens, please ask here or PM me... I'll do my best to help. My thought are with you.

ChippingIn · 13/05/2012 23:53

I am so very sorry to hear about Dexter :(

I know it will never be enough, but I am pleased you were able to meet him and cuddle him.

Keep being kind to each other and looking after each other. (Sadly) there are a lot of people on MN who have been where you are now and can offer you a lot of support.

Lots of love & strength
x

Consort · 14/05/2012 00:04

I am so sorry Dexter couldn't stay. Be gentle with yourselves, and be there for each other.

My DH and I lost our second daughter last year, after an undiagnosed listeria infection caused her to be born at 26 weeks. We miss her every single day.

I'm writing this while holding her 4 month old little sister. Having another baby has brought new joy into our lives, but we will never forget our beautiful girl who could not stay.

Thinking of you both, and your little Dexter.

Consort · 14/05/2012 00:14

I am so sorry Dexter couldn't stay. Be gentle with yourselves, and be there for each other.

My DH and I lost our second daughter last year, after an undiagnosed listeria infection caused her to be born at 26 weeks. We miss her every single day.

I'm writing this while holding her 4 month old little sister. Having another baby has brought new joy into our lives, but we will never forget our beautiful girl who could not stay.

Thinking of you both, and your little Dexter.

Original poster

Mechavivzilla · 14/05/2012 09:55

Consort and Greengoose, I am sorry you know how this feels.

We still have no idea what caused this. I had a large bleed and a lot of clots at the birth but I have no idea if that was linked? I know the tests will take some time and we will investigate everything we can.

The Neonatal unit staff were wonderful. Thinking back, they did spend his last 24 hours preparing us for what was going to happen, but we were still hoping he would improve.

Dexter was perfect, he looked just like his Daddy! Masses of long blond hair. One of our friends knitted him a little hat with bear ears on and he looked very very cute.

I went into labour on the 30th April at 24 + 2 weeks. I thought it might be braxton hicks or something, and called my community midwife who reccommended we go into the Labour ward to get checked out. We arrived there about 6:30am. They tried giving me morphine and the drip to slow labour but it didn't work. We only had time for one steriod injection before he was born at 10:46am.

We then heard nothing until 5pm, and I had to wait in the recovery room with another woman and her baby. Thinking about him fighting to live was horrendous. Then we heard he had made it and stupidly we thought the worst was over.

Over the next few days he had good ones and bad but we thought it was all moving in the right direction. There was talk of sending him to another hospital for surgery on the duct in his heart. Then in his last 48 hours he started to go downhill. He contracted atypical pnumonia and couldn't fight it off. His ventalator and drug treatment were all at maximum and his stats were slowly getting worse. We agreed he was telling us he had to go, and he passed away in our arms at 12 days old.

We are going to have to think about a funeral but I don;t know how.

OP posts:

BeaWheesht · 14/05/2012 09:57

Im so sorry to hear about Dexter, x

AmethystMoon · 14/05/2012 10:04

I am so very sorry to hear your terribly sad news . You obviously loved little Dexter with all your heart whilst your body carried him and in the time you had together. He will always know that and also that you will continue to love him and be there for him for always. You have a precious angel that will be with you forever.

Remember that you can talk to him at any time and he will hear you. Hopefully your memories will grow to be less painful over time, be gentle and kind to yourself. Big hugs xx

bronze · 14/05/2012 10:06

I am so so sorry x

jellybeans · 14/05/2012 10:10

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, Dexter. I lost 2 girls when I was 20 and 23 weeks. SANDS was my lifeline, I felt so alone and isolated. I couldn't face many people for ages. I found bereavement counselling very helpful and it helped that my mum would come and talk about my girls almost every night when I needed to. I found having somewhere to go helped at their baby garden. The early days of grief are awful and you have to take each day at a time. It's been several years for me and things are now bearable but it will always be there and I wouldn't want it not to be really. Thinking of you take care xx

Methe · 14/05/2012 10:21

I am so so sorry for your loss :(

Does the hospital you are at have a Bereavement Midwife? They should help you arrange the funeral and anything else that needs doing. I lost a little one last month and the bereavement team were absolutely brilliant.

Bliss do have a forum specifically for parents who's babies haven't made it here but it's very quiet. The Sands forum is better.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Be kind to yourself x

greengoose · 14/05/2012 12:43

Mechavivzilla, thankful for telling us about Dexter... He sounds beautiful. It's really unusual to have long hair so young. I'm glad you were able to hold him as he went to sleep, I'm sure you were desperate to hold him in NICU, and you did at the most crucial time.

With thoughts to a funeral... I know you never want to think about it, but you have choices... The hospital will talk to you about what they offer, or you could find after a few days you want to organise something privately. There is no rush though. I will post about what we did for Merryn on the thread about her, (you can double click my name and its the thread about NICU nr the bottom) and if you want you could read it just to see there is time, and lots of paths you could choose. Nothing about our babies dying feels right, but it did help us in the end to go through the process of saying goodbye.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

MrsY · 14/05/2012 13:28

SANDS are great for advice on the practical things - or the chaplain at the hospital.

I think most of the details of Benedict's funeral are on his thread. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

Dexter is such a lucky boy to have parents as you both. I will pray for you all. x

Firsttobed · 14/05/2012 14:00

Mechavivzilla, I'm so sorry for you. Dexter is a beautiful name and I can feel your love for him shining out in what you write.

We too lost a baby in April, also due in August but in different circumstances. He lived for 2 hours but we were able to hold him in our arms as he died and say goodbye. I feel so fortunate that his last moments were full of comfort and warmth and that he knew how much his mummy and daddy loved him.

We had a funeral almost 2 weeks ago and planning it really helped me. It was the last thing that we could do for him. It was a perfect day, a celebration of his short life. Many funeral directors will organise the funeral for free, ours did and they were so kind.

Take care of yourself at this time. xx

BigBoobiedBertha · 14/05/2012 14:23

So sorry for your loss.

Sending you thoughts and prayers.

Original poster

Mechavivzilla · 14/05/2012 17:32

Again, thank you all for your messages. I am sorry anyone else knows what this feels like.

We are going in to see him tomorrow and get things started for a funeral. I have this fear they will bury or cremate him when I am not there, I know it is stupid but it terrifies me. I don't want him in a shared hospital grave with no memorial. We live in a smallish village with a lovely graveyard and I would like him to be buried here near us. We are also thinking of just having the two of us there at his service, then doing something for family later when we feel stronger. I know they have lost someone too, but I cannot cope with comforting anyone other than myself and DH. I know that is selfish.

OP posts:

greengoose · 14/05/2012 17:50

Mechavivzilla, you are in no way being selfish. I just wanted me and DP there for Merryn at first, and I think many parents feel this is right for them. Your family will understand, and can visit Dexter later to say their goodbyes. Your village graveyard sounds perfect, close to you and meaningful.
The hospital will be taking good care of him until then for you... It's normal to be scared for him, you are his mum and you have been scared for him since he has been born, but he is at peace now. Please don't be hard on yourself, you are continuing to think about what's best for your family and looking after your DH. This is more than enough. you are in my thoughts.

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