Lost my beautiful premature boy

[Mechavivzilla]

On Monday April 30th I went into labour and gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, Dexter. He was not due until August so 16 weeks early. I had had no problems, we had no warning. The whole thing took six hours start to finish.

He was born alive and had been strong and fighting. Sadly yesterday it was all proving too much and there was nothing more the Doctors could do for him. He passed away in our arms.

We bathed and dressed him and had a little time together as a family but we are broken. My husband is wonderful and supportive but we are both just lost.

Help?

Mechavivzilla hugs from another awake one. Xx

I am so sorry for your loss. Dexter is a lovely name. Night time must be especially difficult.
Thinking of you and your son.

Mecha.... My heart feels for you. I have found in the weeks since our little girl died that there is nothing to be done except let the time pass. Get through the seconds and the hours... It is as people keep telling me, a roller coaster, and there are some days now where I feel better than I thought possible, and others where I am back in the NICU holding her, as you did with Dexter, for the very first and very last time.
I think you are doing really well my love, just keep breathing and let the time pass a little. You won't forget your little one, I promise. He's part of you you know. Someone told me that from a physical point of view our babies leave a part of their being in their mothers bodies when they are born, and I like to think that our children never really leave us. I have found it helpful to write down the tiny memories I do have.... How I felt when I found out she was a girl, how her lip felt when I touched it, how her hair curled, all the tiny little bits I did have that I want to recall. I don't look at it very often, but I like to know those memories are safe somewhere. They are starting to replace the horror of the NICU, and i didnt think that was possible for a while....i don't know if writing things down would help you?
I hope you are being gentle with yourself... It will get a little easier, but you won't forget, the love you have in you for your little boy will grow and live in you....

Thank you green, I am trying desperately to think of good memories instead of just pain and sadness. We did have happy times, even in the NNU. But I miss him. Every day and all the time. I am functioning and I assume I am coping but I don't know if I want to.

First the nights are the worst. He was a really active baby while still in the womb, and I used to lie awake and feel him kicking and talk to him. I still think I feel kicks from time to time and then I remember.

upside thank you, we think it really suited him!

I spent ages writing a post about his funeral on the bereaved parents thread and it was hard to do but felt good at the same time. I think I will copy paste it here and maybe use this tread as sort of a diary? Even if no one else reads it I can use it to help myself.

This is the post I had written on the other thread

If people don't mind, I would like to share the details of Dexter's funeral too. He was born alive at 24+2 weeks and fought really hard for 12 days, before catching pneumonia which was just too much for him to cope with. They phoned us on Friday after we got home to tell us we should come back into the NNU as he was having trouble. He hung on until Saturday evening, but was just getting weaker and weaker even with the maximum level of ventalation and drug help. The consultant said something that was hard to hear but did give us some comfort. He told us that this was not our decision to let Dexter go, but that Dexter was telling us he couldn't go on. He died in our arms.

His funeral was nearly two weeks later, and I found the wait horrific. I was terrified that the hospital were going to take him or do something to him without telling me and I would never see him again. It eased a little when he was moved to the FD close to us in the village, but then I ended up being rushed to hospital. Gallstones had caused me to have pancreatitis and I was in a lot of pain. I felt so helpless stuck back in hospital while my poor DH had to make all the arrangements. They had talked about keeping me in until after his funeral but I had a total freakout and they let me go. Will still need surgery soon, but that is another story.

His funeral was on a beautiful sunny day, two weeks ago today. We just had a tiny graveside service, me and DH, his parents, my mother and my grandparents. The service was led by the same humanist celebrant who conducted our wedding, and he cried throughout as well. He read this poem, www.funeralhelper.org/too-soon-mary-yarnall-child.html Which was perfect and exactly how we felt. He also talked a little about Dexter's life and how we had chosen his middle names after family members and although so so sad if felt good to have him acknowledged as a little person. A little member of our family. DH and I and our mums lowered his coffin in with ribbons and we scattered rose petals for him.

So sorry Mechavivzilla :(

So sorry to hear about your lovely Dexter. xx

I am so, so sorry that your beautiful boy Dexter could not stay - fly high, little one.

This will be of no consolation just now, but at some point you may wish to speak to a consultant about your pregnancy & why Dexter came so early.

I did this after my LO arrived very early too & found it helped me a lot - particularly with the feelings of guilt, failure & inadequacy. Helped me understand that it wasn't my choice, or fault & there was nothing I could have done to change things.

I am so sorry that you have lost Dexter, life is so unfair sometimes xxxxx

So sorry for your loss x

Im so sorry for your loss. The poem that you had for Dexters funeral is beautiful. When Ivan Cameron died i was asked to be involved in a programme on Radio 2. (My eldest son died after being born at 26 weeks) The vicar who asked me to help read the poem out after i sent it to her!

LottieJenkins I am so sorry to hear about Ivan Cameron. Was it the same poem that I had for Dexter? It was just perfect, it summed up exactly how we felt but couldn't speak.

lotsofcheese again, I am so sorry to hear about your LO. We are waiting to hear from the consultants at the hospital, but to be honest I am confused about how that will go. Dexter was totally perfect, no problems with him at all. Just born too soon and labour too fast to get him the steroids he needed for his lungs. I guess that means it was a problem with me, cervix or placenta or "just one of those things". I feel like I let him down.

Again, going to copy paste something I wrote on the other thread. Eventually I will sort my feelings out, little bit at a time.

from the bereaved parent's thread again

Trying to think of happy memories I had with Dexter. Labour was terrifying, I woke up with a little pain at about 4am, then had a small amount of really bright blood. Called my midwife for advice and she said I should go into the labour ward, just for a check up. Got there at 6am and I was 3cm dilated. They were working really hard to stop the labour but really suddenly at 10:46am he was here. They asked us if we wanted to see him before he was taken to resus and we both sort of bleated yes. And I will never forget the noise DH made. It was just an "oooh" but if was filled with so much love and wonder and amazement. We didn't hear anything about Dex until 4PM and we didn't get to see him until 6PM and the afternoon was so hard to get through but knowing how much love we both had for our tiny little boy helped.

We were holding him 12 days later when he died, and I was able to bathe and dress him which I thought I would never be able to do. Then we tucked him up in his crib with his bunny and went home. It was so hard to walk away but he was comfortable and safe and I couldn't help him anymore. DH was having real trouble being in the hospital any longer and he did need me and to be home.

The times I visited him between then and the funeral I couldn't touch him. I didn't want to remember him being cold, which sounds really stupid now. I stroked his tummy through his sleep suit and talked to him, and we have some pictures of him. He looks so peaceful.

and personal stuff below, just for Dexter

After Dex was born I was convinced I could not go through this again. That there was no way I could handle another pregnancy. But I really really want to try for another. A little brother or sister for Dex, and another son or daughter for DH and I. When I think about how much love we both have for Dexter I don't know if I can NOT have another. I know not much time has passed though.

I want to wait for the results of the inquiry first, to see if there are any precautions I would need to take for the next time around. Also I am having my Gallbladder out next month (touch wood) so obviously nothing can happen before the operation.

We have a really excellent, strong marriage, but I knew DH would look at me differently after I had had our child. I was not prepared for how much MORE love and respect we have for each other now. But I wish so hard Dexter was still with us to share it.

Sorry I didnt word my earlier post properly. My eldest son was called Jack. When i referred to Ivan Cameron i meant David Cameron (Prime Ministers) son who died a few years ago! It was the same poem!`

so sorry for your loss

Sorry Lottie I am clearly an idiot! I will blame stress and lack of sleep though! Usually quicker off the mark than that.....

To my absolute horror I have been functioning and carrying on fairly well this last little while. I started to worry I was forgetting him or I didn't love him enough. Then this evening I seem to be having another Gallstone flare up. It is calming down now but it did get bad enough that I thought about going into hospital, which made me think about the last few times I had been in and that brought all kinds of memories to the surface and I had a bit of a mini meltdown. Last time I was in was about three weeks after Dexter was born, when I had pancreatitus. They were talking about keeping me in until after his funeral, and I lost it a bit. Really howling and sobbing, and couldn't get any words out at all to explain why I was so upset.

I just miss him. Every minute of every day. But it is like this is just too big and awful to think about all at once. I keep having to come back and have little nibbles at it. We didn't have him with us for very long, but he has left such a hole in our lives. I still cannot believe this has really happened to us.

Waiting for gallbladder surgery (hopefully next month) or I would have probably tried to go back to work already. My boss has been wonderful and really understanding. Am going to start doing the "keeping in touch" days you can do during maternity leave. Looking forward to it and dreading it. I like my job and the people I work with, so will be nice to get back to that. But at the same time it will be returning to how it was before I was pregnant and it will be like it never happened and he never existed and I don't know how to cope with that.

I don't feel like a mum at all.

I'm so so sorry for your loss, take care of yourselves x

So so sorry for your loss and that your having to think and plan things no parent should....

sending much love and hugs