Lost my beautiful premature boy

[Mechavivzilla]

On Monday April 30th I went into labour and gave birth to our beautiful baby boy, Dexter. He was not due until August so 16 weeks early. I had had no problems, we had no warning. The whole thing took six hours start to finish.

He was born alive and had been strong and fighting. Sadly yesterday it was all proving too much and there was nothing more the Doctors could do for him. He passed away in our arms.

We bathed and dressed him and had a little time together as a family but we are broken. My husband is wonderful and supportive but we are both just lost.

Help?

Mechavivzilla I don't pretend to understand the depths of pain you are going through, but I certainly can relate the grief and confusion and fear that you are feeling about your wonderful Dexter. This is a parent's worst nightmare. I know. My beautiful red-headed Mia died last October, at 13 months, totally unexpectedly. She would be 20 months old today. I miss her every day, and I always will.

All I can say is do what feels right for you. One breath at a time, one step at a time. Be gentle on yourself and your DH, and allow others to help where they can - on the practical things. We both know that they cannot take away the pain, or change things, as much as they would like to. And don't pretend to be strong or brave. There is no need.

If you think it would help, do come and join MrsY and me the bereaved mothers' thread. It has been a lifeline from my point of view. There is support, advice, humour and most of all, no judgement. I just wish none of us needed it.

Mechavivzilla I'm on the bereaved mothers thread too although I don't find it easy to write down my thoughts and feelings a eloquently as miaalexandrasmummy or mrsy so I don't post as much as they do.

I do however find it a lovely safe place to visit and there are ladies at all stages of bereavement giving me hope that one day my grief will not be so raw but more manageable.

Please take a look if you think you are able to. Xx

Thank you, I will have to drift across to that thread. I feel like I barely had the chance to be his mother though. We had so many plans and hopes for him and he spent his whole life in the hospital, he had no happy experiences. We never found out what he liked and didn't like or what kind of person he was.

We had to register his death yesterday, which actually wasn't too hard to cope with compared to some other things we have had to do. Also had a chance to visit him in the chapel which was really really hard, but I needed. I am reassured they won't take him away from me. A daft fear, but I was terrified they would do something and not tell me so when I came to see him he would be gone. I know that is not really him anymore. I miss him so much.

We had a lovely memory box the Neo natal unit put together for us with lots of photos of the three of us, his hand and footprints, his blanket and other bits and pieces. The hospital will arrange a funeral if we want, but he would be in a shared grave and I don't think we want that. The villiage funeral director is coming out tomorrow to talk to us. I am dreading it a little but I also just want to get it over with.

So, apparently I am getting no sleep tonight. Think I am also having a gallstone attack which doesn't help.

So confused by the last two weeks. Labour was so unexpected and over so fast I feel like it was done to me. I wasn't involved at all. Then all the stress and worry about brain scans and heart scans and eye tests for Dexter which I would gladly carry on instead of this dreadful numbness of knowing he is gone. It is too much and too frightening for me to think about all at once. My son has gone. When I just wake up I can still feel him kicking. Then I remember he is in the unit and I can call for an update and go in a visit. Then I remember he died. How does this get better?

I am so, so sorry that your beautiful Dexter died

You said he had no happy experiences, but he did. He would have known that his mummy and daddy were looking after him, talking to him, and he will have felt how very much you loved him.

hope you can get some rest tonight.

I do hope he felt loved. We tried so long for him and he was so wanted. I was kept in hospital for 9 days due to blood loss, so I had so much time with him, just talking and telling him about what his life would be like and all the things we would do. On Friday night we got a call suggesting we come in, and saying they had a room off the NNU set up for us so we were with him most of his last 24 hours.

I am battling so much guilt. I feel guilty I couldn't even carry him to term and keep him safe. I feel I have snatched something away from my husband, who would be an amazing father. I just feel I have let everyone down. Dexter was the first of his generation in my family, he had great grandparents looking forward to meeting him. But mostly that I have let Dexter down. I miss him so much, it is like an ache. I NEED to hold him and take care of him and I can't and it is breaking me. I can't bear seeing my husband so sad and I know he feels the same.

I do have sleeping pills from the Doctor, I may take one and give up on tonight.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You know, don't you, that you have nothing to feel guilty about? You carried him until he no longer wanted to stay inside you. Then you gave birth to him and watched over him as he got the best medical care which was available. When he told you that he was ready to go, you heard him and were with him and were holding him when he finally left. He knew that you were there for him.

You haven't snatched anything away from your husband; you have both had something snatched away from you. Dexter will always be the first of his generation in your family. Through him and through you they will learn or be reminded that all lives are immeasurably precious, however short or long they are. There is probably no better legacy.

Thinking of you. x

Mecha, my baby girl died at 35 weeks after being born at 28 weeks. We had her home for four days and she died of SIDS.
You won't ever "get over" Dexter, how could you? but it will get easier to bear with time. He knew he was loved, babies do.
My dd is buried in our local graveyard and I visit her garden most days. I try to keep it nice for her. Do join us on our thread, you will be most welcome.

I half woke up from a dream this morning and thought, I should get up now, it's morning. But I will stay in bed with Dex and husband for a while. Then I remembered. It was so vivid, I was convinced he was there with us.

Oh yes, those lovely half-awake moments, when reality hasn't yet hit you. It's horrible when you are brought back to that terrible moment of pain of real life - but I hope Dexter is visiting you in your dreams. My Mia does, not often, but she also visits the dreams of friends and family, so I like to think she is keeping busy.

I am glad Mia is keeping in touch with you, that must be a huge comfort. I do feel Dex is still with us somehow.

I have not been coping well. On Friday I was taken back into hospital suffering from a gallstone attack, which had caused pancreatitus and made me very unwell. Being in the hospital again was torturous, because last time I was in hospital Dexter was alive and well in the neo natal unit and I could go visit him. I kept forgetting and them remembering and getting upset. It really messed with my head a lot and I feel like it was a huge setback. The Doctors have taken pity on me and let me out for a couple of days as it is his funeral tomorrow. Not sure how I am going to get through that.

We were able to bury him in the local graveyard though, and the same humanist who conducted our wedding will give a short service for him. I am dreading it, but also want to have it over and done with. We visited him in the funeral home this morning and he does look peaceful. I am glad he is not suffering anymore. Just so sad he had to spend his whole life in the hospital.

bump?

I am so sorry for your loss.

Hi mecha... I think MN is a bit quiet right now.... Ive been struggling to find anyone. How are you my love? Sounds like you are having a bloody awful time? Are you physically ok, or do you have to go back in again after tommorow?

I dreaded our little girls goodbye...(she was cremated), but the build up was worse than the day, and I know other families have found comfort in the funeral. It's good that Dexter will still be close by and you know the person who will be speaking tommorow. Since our little girl died last month I have struggled to go to the river where we scattered her ashes, but I think of what there is of her being the love we have for her, and that's with us and in our family wherever we are.
I don't have anything that will help. I'm feeling about as low as it gets too today, I just didn't want you to be alone with it.... I'll be thinking about you tommorow, and make sure you take care of yourself physically, and let your DH look after you and you him. Xx

Thinking of you and little Dexter today.....just get through the minutes and hours. )))hug(((

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I will be thinking of you today. You must try and look after your health as well as hard as it is .Sending you lots of hugs.

mecha I send you strength on this most difficult day. I hope you can feel that the rays of the sun, the blooms of the flowers, and the songs of the birds are honouring your beautiful boy. It is not goodbye. It is a ceremony of love. Xx

We got through it. And it was actually comforting and beautiful. It is such a sunny day here and there is a beautiful view from his grave. We decided to have our parents and my grandparents there with us. There was a lot of weeping, but the humanist gave such a sweet service. I really doubted it when people told me I would, but I do feel more peaceful. No less sad.

Greengoose, I am sorry you are feeling low. Have a hug from us.

Miasmummy, it did feel that way. The world is a beautiful place today and I would like to think it is in Dexter's honor.

Homeaway, I know I have to get well too. Going back into hospital tomorrow for some more tests and I will have to have my gallbladder out sometime soon. My husband and I need each other now, and I have to keep strong and well for him.

Writing here has been a huge comfort. I am sorry that anyone else feels this way, but also relieved I am not alone. I keep meaning to drift over to the parents thread but not sure I am quite there yet.

Mecha.... I'm so glad that you found comfort in the day.... It's truly beautiful here too, and the birds are louder than usual in the trees!
My friend recently had her gallbladder out, and to be honest she found it such a huge relief, and the op was very straightforward. Hopefully it will be for you too.

Just wanted to add to what Greengoose said my good friend had her's out last year under emergency surgery, she has made a great recovery and although she has to watch what she eats a bit more she feels great. I am glad it was a sunny day for Dexter.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

Dexter is a beautiful name. Your love for him shines through your words here, and he'll always be with you.

Mumsnet can be a source of great comfort at difficult times.

xxx

Thank you again ladies,

I am actually not worried about the gallbladder at all. It has been so painful for weeks now, I will be glad to see the back of it. I still suffered from some morning sickness during the second trimester, and that and the gallbladder pain have left me with no interest in food. Which is wierd, I am usually a bit of a gannet! I worry this health thing may have caused me to go into labour prematurely though.

I think I am due a sort of inquest into Dexter's birth in the next few weeks or months which may or may not give us some answers. I do understand that they cannot always determine the cause, but I really really feel like I need some answers. I am swinging between I can NEVER do this again, and how can I not try for a second? DH is an amazing father and I long to be a mummy. Then again I don't just want any baby, I want our Dexter.

I realised yesterday that he has been gone longer than he was with us and that broke me again a little bit. No idea why, with everything else that has been happening it seems a bit silly to get upset about that. At the moment things are getting harder, not easier. And poor DH has to go back to work on Monday.

Yesterday was hard. It has been one week since Dexter's funeral and one month since he was born.

I worry he will stop feeling real to me. We had him for such a short time and there was so little I could do to be part of his care. But he was so so loved and we miss him every second.

dont have any advice etc but wanted to say im so sorry.x

Can't sleep, so up hugging his blanket and thinking. I miss my baby. I don't want another one, I want Dexter. IT's been 3 weeks since they called us and told us he wasn't doing so well and we should come in. 3 weeks tomorrow since we held him for the first and last time. I really don't know how to cope without him.