Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

My son has brought me to tears today and it has to stop - for all our sakes.

56 replies

NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 11:24

I know siblings fight/argue/etc but this is 90% of the time. It is making me sad and upset and I feel like I have really had enough. I love DS1 so very much. I literally could not live without him and I am just so sad. If I say he will have something taken away or will no longer get it he says he doesn't care.

DD is 4 and she does screech and whine at times but a lot of the time he has hurt her or said something to upset or frighten her.

I am just so sad.

The youngest one kicked DD this morning and did it again when asked not too. I feel he is copying his older brother...

Have to go and get DD now.

OP posts:
PrettyCandles · 13/11/2007 11:30

I totally lost it with my older two yesterday (7 and nearly 5) and went into such a screaming fit, and treated them so coldly, that they were perfect angels the rest of the afternoon and evening. It makes me bitterly sad that I behaved so badly, and that it took me behaving so badly to get them to behave nicely.

I'm with you on this one.

A pair of very helpful books are How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and Siblings Without Rivalry. Both slightly cheesey and very American, but with many fantastic suggestions. The toughest thing is modifying your own instinctive reactions.

Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I don't.

NotQuiteCockney · 13/11/2007 11:33

I was going to recommend the same books PC has. They're good books. Hard to follow, but very very good.

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 12:22

Someone from here very kindly sent me the sibling book but I haven't had chance to read it yet. There is just no time to do anything. I have been on the brink of tears all day and I have had enough. The sad thing is I clock watch all afternoon as I can't wait to go and get DS1.

OP posts:
scattyspice · 13/11/2007 12:34

Its a real pain isn't it? How old is DS1? Mine are 4 and 2 and tbh I rarely leave them totally to it without some fight breaking out. I end up supervising them all the time. Drives me bonkers.

EffiePerine · 13/11/2007 12:36

Can you get any time to yourself at all? Do you have family/friends who could take them out for the afternoon at a weekend, say?

Saturn74 · 13/11/2007 12:39

We had this problem with DS2 when he was younger. No sanctions seemed to affect him whatsoever - time out, removal of privileges, confiscation of toys etc.

He just didn't care.

But he really, really, really responded to the penny pot idea (google Warwick Dyer), and his older brother did too.

It is hard work to start with, as you have to be really on the ball, and never negotiate and never alter the rules.

But it worked.

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 13:00

The kids are 6.8, 4.3 and 2.5.

I have no family at all and my inlaws are looking after Nan who isn't well so I don't like to ask them over at the moment as feel she needs them more than I do.

We are doing the marble jars and I am really praising them when they are nice to each other and not removing marbles for bad behaviour. I know he will say he doesn't care if I remove them so I am trying to focus on positive stuff.

Will google Warwick Dyer.

Thanks.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 13/11/2007 13:36

NAB I'm sure you're doing the right thing with focussing on the postive. I'm sure it will pay off in time; I just think you need some more support...it's SO hard to keep consistent and not be downhearted at times, specially with three kids.

I think your kids sound adorable, normal, exhausting, as all kids are and you clearly have a huge amount of love for them....I think personally, that if you can prioritise YOU at all, then that's what needs to be done. Do you have a partner? Do you get help from him? Personally I think you need to have YOU time when you can be away, and re-charge, because that's what gives you the ability to deal with the kids. I don't think you are saying you have 'problem kids' just that the kids are KIDS, which is a problem in itself when you have three that young. God knows if you see what I mean. I think I'm saying that I think you need to make a list of ways you could get some more help with day to day life so that you are most able to cope with what the kids throw at you.

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 13:43

My husband is amazing but he is out of the house 7.45 to 6.30 every day. The second he walks in the door he is Daddy. Most nights he baths them and puts them to bed with minimal help from me as I am usually catching up with jobs or making our meal.

DS1 never used to cheek Daddy the way he did me but he does it to him now as well.

Our ILs are hoping to be able to have the children on Saturday so that Hubby and I can have lunch out alone.

I am a rubbish mother and jjust do not know what to do, what is normal, what is okay, etc etc etc. No point of reference as my childhood was just all over the place with constant moves and I must have gone to about 10 different schools.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 13/11/2007 13:53

Anyone with three children is going to be experiencing an extremely tough, testing time. Please don't worry; with loving, involved parents like you and your dh, unless your kids have special needs which would mean the effect of parenting on behaviour can't be judged the same way, then your kids can't fail to be ok. I think in a house with three kids that young, you need to expect a certain level of chaos. It does not mean you're a bad parent or that you're failing. cheeking you and Dh for instance, is totally, utterly normal - it's your RESPONSE that matters, not the fact that your ds does it, IYSWIM.

Basically I think all you can do is role model to them what behaviour is expected (don't expect of them what you don't SHOW them) speak to them with respect, and decide on a consequence for naughtiness, that is your job done. If it's sibling fighting, I have read on here about two approaches: 1 don't get involved in trying to sort out disputes if you were not witness; everyone gets the consequence and 2, get the kids to decide between themselves what should happen.

I think don't put pressure on yourself to stop certain behaviours. All you can do as a parent is impose a consequence if reasoning is not working, then move on.

I think your dh sounds brilliant, and I just think you need to be assertive about getting yourself some time out. Take up the in laws offers to have them every time you can, I know they have other caring commitments but you need help too. Is it possible you could use a babysitter regularly? Some colleges which run childcare courses may have names of teenagers keen for this sort of thing?

TinySocks · 13/11/2007 13:58

NAB, have you tried maybe taking them all together to do a fun activity once a week? To make them enjoy each other's company. I went to the swimming pool yesterday with DS and saw a mum with her three boys (must have been about 7y,5y and 4 years old), they were having such a nice time, they had a big ball with them (one of those soft beach balls that gives no chance for painful accidents), and they were playing ball games together.
Laughing and throwing the ball (I know they were siblings because they were all calling her mama). I thought that looked like a brilliant way to get them to play together.
DONT GIVE UP.

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 14:00

I just wanted to cry as I never take the three of them anywhere on my own apart from school. I couldn't go swimming as I am not confident I could watch them all (Plus not allowed the ages they are on my own.)

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 14:01

None of the consequences we come up with seem to have any effect.

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 13/11/2007 14:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWeasley · 13/11/2007 14:09

NAB3littlemonkeys you are NOT a rubbish mummy at all.

Focus on the postive as you are doing, perhaps arrange a treat for your eldest if he manages to get though a week without hurting his siblings. My youngest is 6 and his "treat" for doing as I ask or not fighting if he is in one of his moods is the bath to himself (with bubbles) Sit down and have a chat with him, see what he wants and what he think about it all.

Perhaps try giving him some more responsibility. My eldest is a DD and she very proud of the fact that I will only ever ask her to stack the dishwasher as she does it so well! (In reality I couldnt care if its done well as long as its done

I dont have any answers as I have the same problems as times. Goodluck!

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 14:12

Consistency is hard for DH and I when we are worn down with tiredness and stress.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 13/11/2007 14:13

NAB I just think that all you can do is impose the consequence and move on. It WILL have an effect, consistency is all but i know it's hard to believe that - and it's easy for me to say, (I have one!)

Do you drive? My mum and dad used to take us for a country walk after school to get us out of the house. Maybe you could drive to a local 'walk' and do that with them and set them challenges, to find this or that....maybe even stop for fish n chips on the way home, eat in the car, so no washing up, just PJs and bed when you get home.

Just things like that, to make your life as SIMPLE as poss, while your kids are so young?

PrettyCandles · 13/11/2007 14:14

A contradictory suggestion here: try to take them one at a time for some one-on-one mummy-time. It must be tough on all of you to have to constantly share. Quite possibly that's what ds1's misbehaviour is about: "Pay attention to me, Mummy!" ATM he's getting that attention in a negative way. He knows that if he attacks a younger sibling you will respond. Now I know you're knackered, and here am I saying "do more", but hopefully it will be an easier thing to do more of than constantly having to be the United Nations.

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 14:16

I agree that it is probably all about attention with DS1. He is at school all day and when he is at home his 2 younger siblings are here too.

OP posts:
hayCHingleBells · 13/11/2007 14:16

NAB

Your beginning to worry me, you start countless threads about your dc behaviour, you recieve countless advice here, but you dont ever seem to find the time to read the books either recommended or even posted to you.

There is NO single miriacle cure.
You have to work at it.
And, no one said it was going to be easy.

Im sorry if this sounds hard but, i think you ought to spend less time on mn whinging about it and spend some time doing something about it. Put into action the advice youve been given time and time again. Read the books. Find a parenting group via your health visitor. Act now before you end up hating your dc.

I wish you lived closer to me, im in cambridgeshire and kent is just too far.

I apologise agian for the harshness in my post, but i just want to shake you at the moment.

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 14:21

No apologies necessary and you are not being harsh. You are right, of course. I do spend too much time on here. It is because I have no one in RL.

Don't try and read the books as think I will be too tired to take it in. Will go now and try and settle to read one of the countless books I have and make notes that are easy to follow.

Sorry for my millions of posts.

OP posts:
hayCHingleBells · 13/11/2007 14:23

Is ok.

Please do something about it, its down to you and no one else, only you can change things you just need to set time aside to do it properly.

Good luckxxx

PrettyCandles · 13/11/2007 14:45

My copies of these books often sit on the windowsil by the toilet for months at a time. I dip in when I feel the need or the fancy to do so. If it takes me 4 bowel movements to read and understand a passage, so be it. Better than not doing it at all.

eorandpiglit · 13/11/2007 15:00

I have three children who fight a lot. One is 6.5. This sort of behaviour is perfectly normal (although if he is seriously hurting DD this needs to be stopped). Dont get too worried.

I try and separate them if they arent getting on - one of them can come and help me in the kitchen etc.
Also get out of the house with them all sometimes - take them to the park or for a walk to feed the ducks/collect conkers or leaves or something. Or do something with two of them before DS comes home - gets you out of the house and not watching the clock.

Some one to one time with DS when DH is doing baths - reading or homework or something.
What about an after school activity like football once a week.
Some responsibilities at home and a later bedtime than the others?

Pitchounette · 13/11/2007 15:32

Message withdrawn