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Original poster

My son has brought me to tears today and it has to stop - for all our sakes.

56 replies

NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 11:24

I know siblings fight/argue/etc but this is 90% of the time. It is making me sad and upset and I feel like I have really had enough. I love DS1 so very much. I literally could not live without him and I am just so sad. If I say he will have something taken away or will no longer get it he says he doesn't care.

DD is 4 and she does screech and whine at times but a lot of the time he has hurt her or said something to upset or frighten her.

I am just so sad.

The youngest one kicked DD this morning and did it again when asked not too. I feel he is copying his older brother...

Have to go and get DD now.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 16:47

Should have said it is not that I don't want to find the time or change. I always have at least 1 child with me, I go to school 3 times a day and I have all the house things to do as well. No idea what we will have for dinner as I haven't even had chance to go to Asda yet.

Have read some of the book and made notes.

I am just fed up that I can't be a decent mum.

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lucyellensmum · 13/11/2007 17:09

you are fed up with not being a decent mum???? OMG!! This coming from you?? You always come across as a fabulous mum to me. You give out some really good advice on here too. Heavens above, im ed.

It is soooo hard with three, i only have one, i struggle, i look at mums with more and im awestruck. Whereabouts in kent are you?

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 17:13

See. Tell me what I am doing wrong right now.

The kids are all playing nicely. The older 2 together and the baby just pottering. I have come on here and are leaving them to it but I am thinking should I stop them to give them attention? That feels wrong, but I also feel I should be more attentive.

OP posts:
Buda · 13/11/2007 17:21

No don't stop them but get on and do something you need to get done and when you are done or they have moved on to something else, praise them for playing so nicely and do something with them for a few minutes or give them a treat like extra TV time or something.

HonoriaGlossop · 13/11/2007 17:25

i agree with Buda, this is a perfect opportunity to reward their good behaviour by noticing it and praising them and following that up with some of your full on attention. Gives them the message that you're not only 'on top of them' when they're bad.

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 17:30

I am just about to go and do some jobs but I will wait until we go up to bed to praise them. From previous experience if I praise them during their good playing it will kick off within about 15 seconds.

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Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 18:23

I gave them both 4 marbles for playing so nicely! DS1 didn't want to do his reading book with me so I showered him and got them all ready for bed. DH is home and is doing stories now while I make our dinner. Hoping there is something other than fish fingers in the freezer. Actually I quite fancy those now.

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HonoriaGlossop · 13/11/2007 18:30
Smile
PrettyCandles · 13/11/2007 18:35

Three school runs a day is a complete nightmare. It's what I've got right now, and I so look forward to January, when dd will go to school full-time. At last I will be able to let ds2 eat lunch when he needs it and nap when he needs to, rather than squeezing a meal in too early or too late, and so on.

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 18:49

Kids all in bed.

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HonoriaGlossop · 13/11/2007 18:55

blimey NAB, wot you got to complain about - I've only got one, and he's still up!!!

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 18:56

cheeky!

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 13/11/2007 18:57
Wink
CountessCadburyOfBournville · 13/11/2007 19:09

Hey NAB - we live pretty near each other. My older two are just 7 and 4 and 4 months. I have dd2 who is 9 months too.

I understand totally where you are coming from - there will be something that will motivated your ds to behave but it will change frequently and might change if he things you are onto what he really cares about. Kids are annoying like that.

Do you fancy getting together? I don't drive at the moment but can bus it to a lot of places, or walk. I have dd1 and ds at school during the day. I also run a parent and toiddler group at St Philip and St James church hall (King George Road) if you are interested. Drop me a line if you fancy it.

cadbury seventy three (in numbers) at hotmail dot com

fireflyfairy2 · 13/11/2007 19:16

Nab, you are a great mum & you are mothering to the very best of your ability. It's damn hard work!!

I just have 2 children & by the time dh comes home in the evening I am really glad to see him

You see to be doing the reward thing great if they are getting marbles Were they thrilled when they got 4 marbles each?

When ds didn't do his reading, is this a problem? Is school ok with him not having it done?

I have to agree that consistency is key. With dd I have to repeat things over & over again. Even with a one word prompt like "Remember?" & she will say thank-you. If I give her something & she doesn't say Thank-you, I always say "You're welcome" The she says "Oh, sorry mammy, thanks"

You're lucky yours are in bed!! I had my 2 in the bath when BIL called at 7pm to pick dh up for the gym.. my 10year old nephew jumped out of the car & announced he was staying here! There isn't a hope in hell of getting my 2 in bed whilst he's here!!

hayCHingleBells · 13/11/2007 19:23

6.50 pm and all of them are in bed?? Wow! Mine have just gone down and i was pushing them hard to get there by then!

pagwatch · 13/11/2007 19:44

NAB
i have read many of your posts and i don't think you are yterrible mum - quite the contrary.

As i have said here before DS has special needs and when he rfirst regressed his behaviour was TERRIBLE. I did what you are doing now which was taking advice and trying stuff but because all my confidence was gone it was as if he and i both knew i would fail before i even started.
You are saying a couple of things that suggest to me that your mind set is ( understandably) a bit too defeatist.
I promise you there is no such thing as a child who does not respond to consequences. There isn't.And if you are answering in your head "well you haven't met DS" then it just confirms that you have lost any intervention you try before you start.
Think about it - that is pretty bad because you are telling yourself that your son is incapeable of being prompted to behave. That is obviously not true (unless he has some profound undiscovered special need).
If my son with profound special needs can learn consequences then yours can.
You just haven't tried the RIGHT consequence for your son !
I don't believe, I just don't believe thatthere is a child who does not enjoy one thing so much that to give it up would be punishment ( unless he knows that you will give in straight away of course ).
For my son it would be
tv and computer ( together of course so they can't just do the other one)
fav clothes incl beloved Irish rugby shirt in bin
for DS2
DVD in bin
no outing at weeekend
for DD
straight to bed after supper
no tea at friends houses
no ballet on Sat

It is about knowing your child and more importantly their knowing that you mean it.
Because my kids know from experience that i will take their games/clothes/toys/treats away I NEVER NOW HAVE TO DO IT.
I think if you can just take a deep breath, figure out what your child really cares about, delver that as a consequence and then actually do it!! you may find that a short period of SERIOUS mumness works reasonably quickly.
But i also think that you start anything thinking - "well I won't be able to keep this up" .And when you start making 'i am in charge' noises but then give up you are actually making things worse.
It has to be nuclear sometimes. I have phoned on the day of a party and cancelled because DS was being vile. I have picked up DD in the middle of a tea and said sorry we have to go beacsue she is behaving badly. And with each of these situations I have never had to repeat it.
If I say to my son " don't do that again" he knows that if he does he will not like what happens next - so he doesn't do it again.
I am now chilled out mum because they behave so well and i never have to tell them off and i rarely have to punish them.I never even shout. Our house is calm and pleasant - and i only say that not to be smug but because I have a child with major issue in there ! Beacuse they absoloutely know that i will follow through on what I say.

If you will forgive me saying you actually have to decide that you are in charge before you start trying to make him believe it. And at the moment you don't.

saltire · 13/11/2007 19:54

You could be me NAB. having huge probelms myself with the DSes, to the point that I actuially walked out of Woolies the other day and left them there. I have been in tears today with them. Mine are 9 and 7

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 20:04

CountessCadburyOfBournville I am in Blue Bell Hill Village.

FFF2 "When ds didn't do his reading, is this a problem? Is school ok with him not having it done?" He just meant he wanted to do his book with his Daddy so he did it before bed. I offered to try and give him a bit of attention.

Pagwatch You are right, I haven't found anything yet. No tv or computer isn't a big deal enough, I could say he can't go to Nanny's on Sat but TBH hubby and I need a few hours alone together.

The kids were a bit better today (though DD had a strop in the playground because I told her to stop pushing her younger brother) and I have made some noted from the Sibling Rivalry book.

I put my incompetance as a parent down to the fact that I neved had any. (Past being born obv.)

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hayCHingleBells · 13/11/2007 20:10

Superb post pagwatch!

I took everything from dd1 once. Everything came out of her room all she had left was the bed.
She had to earn her stuff back bit by bit.

It was a major upheaval, i had to make room in my room to accommodate all her stuff and make sure she didnt sneak in there to get it.

It did work though.

I also locked her in the car once so i could finish my shopping. She was doing the absolute nut around the town and icouldnt control her. I threatened her a couple of times that i would do it, she didnt stop so i had to put her in. I think she was 4.

I hated every second of it, i dashed in the shop bought one token item to proove id done it and went back to the car as fast as i could.

She doesnt mess me about in the town anymore.

You have to be ruthless and NEVER EVER threaten something you know you wont fulfill. Once youve said it you have to do it.

Ps)read 123 magic - im a nag btw

pagwatch · 13/11/2007 20:14

NAB - is that really all he cares about tv computer and his nans?
thats quite sad

hayCHingleBells · 13/11/2007 20:17

I think he enjoys spending his time winding his mother and siblings up.

Its gotta be time out in his room??

hayCHingleBells · 13/11/2007 20:19

I am also wondering how much of his behaviour is down to his sister?
Does she (when your not looking) provoke him?

Original poster
NAB3littlemonkeys · 13/11/2007 20:24

Pagwash, that makes me feel really bad now.

DD can be a madam but she is nearly 2 1/2yrs younger than him and most of the time it his him on her.

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hayCHingleBells · 13/11/2007 20:32

Dont think she is all cute and innocent, im sure she isnt.
Just because he is older doesnt make him the criminal. I bet she has something to do with it all.
Do you show her more compassion than him? She might be nipping at him, because she knows you will come to her rescue and tell her brother off.
You come storming in and see him hurting her, and think its just him when she may well of started it.

How old is she?

My dd2 is 4, but until she was 2ish i was very protective of her around dd1. DD1 couldnt do a thing right, i only had eyes for my baby. As dd2 has grown ive noticed her doing things purposely to get her sister in trouble, and usually she gets a cuddle from me too.
Very sly.