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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Newborn's and Controlled Crying?

95 replies

asampras · 03/04/2007 00:28

Can you use the controlled crying method with newborn's or are they just too young. Secondly is controlled crying leaving them to cry until they sleep or allowing them to cry for a while then picking them up to comfort them and then put them down again?!

It's causing arguments with my husband who is afraid our baby will grow accustomed to being held until she falls asleep and thinks we should leave her to cry to sleep and me who thinks at 2 weeks old she is too young for this method and can't bear to hear her crying until she's red in the face and hysterical!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Incodnito · 03/04/2007 00:32

WRONG WRONG WRONG, dont leave a wee baby to cry, nothing controlled about it if they are left to scream.

Think your husband is being pretty heartless to be honest.

kiskidee · 03/04/2007 00:35

sleep training has never been recommended for a baby under 6 months.

your baby is not going to develop bad habits by being held. your baby has just left a place where she was held and warm and fed 24 hrs a day, none stop. what a shock it must be to be in a quiet, still world.

please look up the book 'baby bliss' by Harvey Karp. it tells you in a very compassionate and easy to read language how important it is to respond to the cries of a baby under 12 weeks old. and teaches you some no fail coping strategies.

your husband will understand and will put both your minds to rest.

GooseyLoosey · 03/04/2007 00:36

At 2 weeks old - go with your instincts and cuddle her. At this age I think a baby is too little to learn any sleep associations and just needs to feel loved, not sure controlled crying does that too well.

Tried controlled crying with ds after reading a certain book and regret it to this day. Opinions as to what to do differ but generally, you don't leave them to cry indeffinately but return at regular intervals to offer reassurance. IMO (if you decide to do this), an hysterical child needs to be picked up and comforted but would then typically be put back down before falling asleep in your arms.

Tried a much more child centered approach with dd and cuddled her until nearly asleep and then put her down - didn't try this until she was quite a few months old though - at 2 weeks, just cuddled her all the time.

kiskidee · 03/04/2007 00:37

ps. and now even a well known advocate of controlled crying doesn't recommend it for children under 12 months.

Locksikas · 03/04/2007 00:38

Message withdrawn

Mamalennon · 03/04/2007 00:40

Please cuddle your tiny, helpless, utterly dependent baby as much and as often as you can.

A newborn baby is as incapable of manipulating you as it is of fetching its own dinner.

Original poster

asampras · 03/04/2007 00:44

What a relief, i hate leaving her to cry!

OP posts:

lemonaid · 03/04/2007 00:47

They are much too young at 2 weeks. Even the most pro-CC of childcare writers don't suggest controlled crying before 5 or 6 months at the very youngest.

Think about it -- up until 2 weeks ago she was cuddled by you 24/7. Even the amount of cuddling you want to give her now is a huge, huge reduction on what she's got used to. You are in no danger of "spoiling" her.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/04/2007 00:51

She's a tiny baby - she doesnt know anything else except that she was in your warm, cosy womb for 9 months and now she isnt. The only way she can tell you she is tired, hungry, dirty, cold, hot or wants a cuddle is to cry.

Locksikas · 03/04/2007 00:52

Message withdrawn

Original poster

asampras · 03/04/2007 00:53

KiKidee, just ordered the book from Amazon. Many many thanks for your advice everyone it's really reassuring!

OP posts:

jetjets · 03/04/2007 07:58

Message withdrawn

Ceebee74 · 03/04/2007 08:02

Jus to echo everyone else on here - do not do it, your baby is far too young.

We let our DS fall asleep on us downstairs (and then kept him downstairs in his moses basket or whatever until we went to bed) until he was about 5 months old - he is now 8.5 months old and goes to bed at 7ish and falls asleep quite happily in his cot by himself - habits can't be formed at 2 weeks - just enjoy the time and cuddle, cuddle, cuddle!!

TrinityRhino · 03/04/2007 08:07

Cant' stop myself from saying the same thing as everyone else. Controlled Crying is totally WRONG to do on a tiny, helpless baby. PLEASE just cuddle her and do whatever she needs.

Personally I don't agree with controlled crying at all but even people who do realise that it is wrong at such a young age and the man who writes aboput it has now changed his recommendation to not under 1 year.

GibbonInARibbon · 03/04/2007 08:08

Give tons of love and cuddles...Your DD will grow to feel safe and secure. You know that tummy twisting, heart wrenching feeling you get when she cries? It's there for a reason - to make you respond to your LO.
Enjoy this lovely and amazing bonding time

Congrats BTW!

GibbonInARibbon · 03/04/2007 08:12

Me too TR - don't agree with CC at all - breaks my heart to just think of it, but certainly not on one so young.

RachelG · 03/04/2007 09:54

Your husband is very very wrong. I've read a lot about this subject, and I'm pretty sure it can do lasting psychological damage to leave newborns to cry. Controlled Crying isn't advised until 6 months at the earliest, and even then it is of debatable value/risk.

Infants cry because they need their carer's attention - it's nature, evolution, how species survive. And for a newborn, cuddles are as necessary for development as milk and warmth.

Don't ignore your instincts, they're there for a reason!

micegg · 03/04/2007 12:51

My DD is 18 months now but I remember having the same converstaions with DH and my mum when she cried. I ignored both and followed my instincts which were to pick her up when she cried. She is not a clingy child and gets herself off to sleep without any problems.

3easterbunniesandnomore · 03/04/2007 12:58

FFS.....what is it about "forcing" Newborns to become independent......wtf....CC is actually dangerous if used on to young Baby's...a Newborn needs closeness afterall, until a wee while ago this lil person was still in the mummys tummy and was basically non-stopped "hugged"/close to their mummy and her heartbeat and non stop fed too...!
There is a reason you can't bear it, it's called a mothers instinct....you hold your Baby as much as you like and cuddle and breath her in, and let her listen to your heartbeat....your dh is WRONG and should let you get on wiht it, if he hasn't got anything constructive to say!
I know that is ratehr harsh...but I know a freind who was forced by her dh to let boht their daughter cry it out from the day they came home and the emotional pain it caused her alone....basically she had to walk the streets as she couldn't cope with listening to teh crying

3easterbunniesandnomore · 03/04/2007 12:59

when a Baby crys very hard it can take effect on the brain devellopement....

dionnelorraine · 03/04/2007 13:14

We didnt use the controlled crying thing until our dd was 8 months old. She stayed in our room til then. We moved her in to her own room. used controlled crying method and within 3 nights she was sleeping right through! I believe that newborns need to be close to there parents and when they cry its generall for a good reason.

mawbroon · 03/04/2007 13:31

Show your husband this thread. Not one person has said that they think it's a good idea. I couldn't stand the sound of ds crying when he was this young (or any age really) and nearly bit dh's head off when he tried to remove a sleeping ds from my arms saying that "he has to learn to be independent". Ds now sleeps through pretty much every night as a result of four nights of controlled crying which we did at 7 months old. (He is now 17 months)

Cuddle and comfort your dd. She is teeny and it is her need, not her want.

Runninglate · 03/04/2007 22:37

Babies are very primal, particularly for the first 4 months. i.e. they cry if something si wrong - hungry, wind, nappy, insecure etc. From my short experience (DD is 14 weeks old), I didn't learn her different cries until she was about 8-10 weeks old and I swear that they were all very very similar until then!! Don't forget that they don't automatically know who you are and that it takes them time to learn that, plus how you respond to them etc. They are as unfamiliar with you as you are with them. They need to feel safe and you are their only route to that.

DD wouldn't settle in her cot on her own until 9 weeks old. We used to have her up with us trying to hold her to sleep etc and it was all very stressful for us but then suddenly it all slotted in to place once she got to know us. Then it was bed at 7pm and if she wakes and starts to get upset - all it takes is for a quick gentle 'sssh' and she's cool as a cucmber again. It takes time for her to associate actions with feelings and positive parenting is the key!

Runninglate · 03/04/2007 22:38

sorry just realised how pompous that sounded

Saturn74 · 03/04/2007 22:38

Comfort and hold your newborn baby as much as you want to.

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