Not bonding with child after 9 months

[Papalan]

Hi all, sorry if someone finds this topic sensitive, but we have been living a nightmare and we don’t know how to continue.
Me and my partner started our adoption journey a few months ago when we were matched with a newborn baby girl. We were incredibly lucky to be able to pick her up from the hospital and experience parenthood from the very beginning as we wanted.
Only a few weeks in I felt like there was “something” with her behaviour. She would never look at me when feeding her a bottle and wouldn’t really pay much attention to us. This started to affect us as with the lack of eye contact there were not many other ways to bond with a newborn.
Fast forward a few months, she is the happiest little girl. She is meeting her milestones, eats well, sleeps well… but she is not bonding with us. We feel like we are 24/7 babysitters. She does give decent eye contact when on the pram, mat, high chair…but she would do everything she can to avoid eye contact when holding her on having her on our lap. This is making us impossible to build a connection with her. We went through a stage of thinking she could be on the ASD spectrum, or maybe it was trauma from separation from birth mum, or just her personality… but the truth is that whatever the reason is we don’t care, it’s this behaviour what is affecting the attachment. She won’t really engage with us when singing to her or trying to play with her.
We care about her, but we don’t really love her. It breaks our hearts because we have had her for 9 months now and we are still feeling this way. We want this to work out but we don’t know if this bond will ever come as there’s no biological bond.
If the baby was ours biologically we wouldn’t really have a choice but to power through it, but as we still have to confirm the adoption we are considering if this is right for us or not. It breaks our heart thinking giving her away, but I can honestly say these have been the unhappiest 9 months of my life, and that makes me wonder. I’ve been on therapy for a few months already. We are depressed and crying almost everyday. We just don’t want to spend time with her because it’s a constant reminder of the situation and we feel horrible. Sorry for the vent, but we don’t know what to do or how long to delay a decision as it’s not fair for anyone. We just want our little happy family, and this is breaking us.

Have you spoken to health visitor about her lack of eye contact ect?
is it having a child maybe not what you expected? No judgement! It’s wonderful you adopted!
if your all quite in low mood could she be picking your vibes up? Babies are very sensitive and they could be causing the lack of bond?
hope you come to a decision ❤️

Honestly this stood out to me so much:

If the baby was ours biologically we wouldn’t really have a choice but to power through it

I think you need to see adoption as permanent… like you would normally as parents. She’s 9 months old.. the problem imo is your perspective. You cannot let this mentality become dominant in your family because it will set you all up for terrible failure. I have no experience of adoption so maybe someone will say otherwise but my own thoughts are these: you are a family, she is your daughter, the biology makes no difference, you will grow a bond together, she is very very very young. Love her like you would any other child who is yours.
I think if you cannot do this then you will end up in a horrible place and she will end up in a world where she has no secure attachment to anyone and that will bring a whole host of lifelong issues. It’s your choice now to do right by your child.

You must have thought about what the bonding experience would look like after adoption; and what you could do to make life loving and full for your family?? Much like any parents would. Don’t assume all parental bonds are instant.
lots of luck to you & your little girl x

I think you want to be loved rather than to do the loving and are getting carried away by your fantasy of a 'happy little family'. Many parents find caring for a baby hard work.

Having said all the above I think you would do better to contact an organisation that provides support to adoptive parents. My understanding is that very early adoptions are more likely to succeed as there is more time for the baby to bond with its new parents.

On the other hand the baby may have experienced trauma whie in utero. Also separation from birth mother is hardly an ideal start in life.

I would also imagine that if you were to return this baby to the care of social services your chance of being considered as an adoptive parent again would be nil.

just to add also I imagine that you’ve waited a long time and jumped through many hoops to get where you are - a wonderful thing to have done on your part - but don’t let that effort mean you assumed when she arrived with you all would just be wonderful and happy. No parental journey is like that! It’s a struggle for everyone. When you say you are ‘babysitting’ - look longer ahead. You are growing someone up for a long happy lifetime. There will be birthdays, school, christmasses, dance clubs etc etc. All to come. The baby part is quite boring (I found it boring and exhausting!) and I wondered if your journey here to adoption meant you thought this part would be easy.. it won’t and parenting is a very long long marathon, not a sprint. Try and enjoy the small moments and keep it in perspective. They’ll soon be gone x

Can i gently say you arent going to get much from her right now. The lack of eye contact i would talk to someone about but really you arent going to be loved back for a long time yet. Bonding is important i think you expected it to be this way or that and it has caused you to think everything is wrong. Parenting is a one way street for years. Loads of love

Hi, We have been telling the HV and GP since day 1, as she has been this way from birth. They agree is strange but can’t give us a reason.

Hi, the truth is that we went into adoption knowing what it meant. We actually had to do voluntary experience at a Nursery with babies from 6months old. We did this weekly for 6 months and we built lovely bonds with most of the kids there. That’s why this situation triggers more concerns as we have had not problem bonding with other kids before.

Hi, possibly there’s a part of wanting my child to love me there. We had the earliest adoption we could have, we picked her up from hospital.
In regards to what the organisation thinks, they are being supportive, as they should, this happens many times, and we won’t get vetted, we could try with another child. The issue is that this has scarred us so much that we might be the ones not wanting to try it again.

It has been the hardest process I’ve ever been into. Our family and friends fully support us because they know what we have been through. And to be fair it’s not a matter of being hard raising a child, we are actually lucky with her in terms of sleep, feeding, etc… it’s just that we don’t feel like parents.

I think this is your issue, not your DCs. One thing you learn as a parent is that you don't get to control everything and you often just need to love and accept who your child is rather than pushing them into the mold.

My DD wasn't big on eye contact, she was more interested in the world. She's 13 now and incredibly secure, still happy in her own company, very bright and hardworking, never needy, just happy and easy.

Her little brother came hot on her heels, as clingy a baby as it's possible to be.

I love them both and long ago parked the notion that theres a right way to be a baby (or a person). Taking you for granted can be a sign they feel safe you'll always be there, desperately seeking affection can be a sign they are insecure.

Basically, baby sounds fine, you sound a little bit needy with fixed ideas that are only causing you harm. Try to just love your baby without needing feedback, it will come later, x

I don’t think anyone goes into adoption as a first timer having a clue.

You do seem to put this on her more than recognising it’s your place to build and wait for a bond. Once a week in a nursery you didn’t build a bond. You had little babies who you liked. So you’re confusing the two.

If you want to continue with the adoption I think you need more support for the both of you. I do feel for this little girl because this was her chance and I think you need to do everything you can to make it work.

I think you've already made up your minds. Your tone makes this obvious. You're giving her up and you've come here for approbation.

If you're crying everyday, depressed and in therapy in a span of 9 months - it doesn't seem like this journey is for you. Some babies just don't make a lot of eye contact - but yours does when seated and can see you in front of her rather than looking up? My friend's biological baby is often in her own world and won't make much eye contact, very independent and doesn't need much affection either - apparently not dissimilar to her dad as a baby. My friend did want a more adoring baby who needed her more, initially was very concerned but quickly recognised this was the wrong intention to have a baby and not realistic.

Being a parent isn't for everyone. I know you say you've looked after nursery babies before but that's temporary - you have lower expectations from them because of it. You know you can give them back which takes the severity away, you relax and babies feel relaxed because of it. Adopting a baby for life is a different beast - a bit like adults who are happy in a relationship but who struggle in a marriage and expect more perfection in 'forever'. As you say if it was your own you'd power through but she isn't so your previous instinct (as with nursery babies) to give her away has kicked in. Which is why adoption will never be for you so please don't do this again- understand your limitations and don't punish children for not being what you need them to be.

She's still a small enough this won't affect her too much and she can bond with another family. Babies this small are very much wanted by many couples so if you give her back - she still has a chance at her forever home. Once she gets older separation anxiety will kick in from you as her main caregiver so please don't delay - that will cause long lasting attachment issues.

This is one of the saddest threads I've ever read.

Please don't try with another child. Children are not material objects to be tried out and returned.

Spending time in a nursery doesn't mean you understand what it means to have a family. It's wonderful but very hard work, and some children are harder than others. You don't choose your children, even when they are biological. It seems that the experience has disappointed you on a fundamental level, and you are blaming the child for this.

She sounds like she's thriving (in some respects) but it's not enough for you. Please ask for more help.

Are you in the UK? I didn’t think adoptive parents were matched before birth and allowed to take the baby straight home from hospital. I thought the standard procedure was to place the baby with foster parents and start the adoption process later?

Unless this was some sort of foster-to-adopt thing?

This was also my thought, I didn't think this happened in UK anymore either

1. There's a thread here about early adoption in the UK. I think what happens next, the advice given etc does rather depend on how things work in the relevant country. www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4847938-is-it-rare-to-adopt-a-newborn

2. I think very young children do change and part of being a family is about getting to know who they are at the various phases of their development. One of my grandchildren makes a great deal more eye contact now than he did as a small baby. He's not a cuddly child but as children grow you learn new ways to communicate with them and become part of their world.

3. Even if on a theoretical level, an adopted baby could form a new attachment with other adoptive parents before 18 months, I think there would still be a concern that the child was damaged by having, effectively three sets of parents in a short space of time.

4. If the OP is hoping to adopt again, there is simply no guarantee that another baby may also generate feelings of frustration - this might be because of all sorts of other issues, feeding, sleeping, uncontrollable crying etc.

5. I feel there's a lot of very romantic stuff written about bonding and attachment, which doesn't seem to take account of the wide range of things that new parents may feel. I did love the baby I gave birth to straight away. But I also found breastfeeding very hard work and found aspects of taking care of a very small person quite boring and limiting. So maybe it's not helpful to think that you ought to love a small person in a particular way, and that you are in some sense being short-changed because that hasn't happened.

Agree with this

You clearly wanted to be "loved" the second she came home - newborns don't give eye contact like that. Sounds like you are looking for something that isn't there- the whole "crying every day" thing....your baby will sense that

Please don't try and adopt another child if you decide to give up on this one

If she's looking at you from other perspectives, are you sure that she hasn't got vision problems and can't focus when you are so near?

Children are hard work, babies are hard work. Teenagers are unbelievable, and it often feels like they hate you. Even if it felt like they were attatxhed6 to you as babies.

You'd be better off posting this on the adoption board, as there may be people there who can be supportive.

She’s 9 months old, what are you expecting from her? I find it devastating when people give up puppies, but a baby… it’s actually breaking my heart a bit thinking about this.

I understand that this must he awful for you, but I wonder if your expectations are a bit high. She’s only 9 months and may well have additional needs that might show themselves more when she gets older. Do they not prepare you for this when you go through the adoption process?

You expect way too much. Poor baby.

This. You're not good enough for her or any other child. Poor baby

We are depressed and crying almost everyday. We just don’t want to spend time with her because it’s a constant reminder of the situation

Both of you feel this way and are constantly crying? This is no environment for a young baby. It's not that she isn't bonding with you so don't put this onto her, she's been with you since a newborn baby and you're her primary caregivers, she will absolutely be bonded to you. You just don't feel whatever it is you expected to feel or accept that this is what it's like having a baby of that age.

Thats a horrid thing to say. Honestly this mum probably has pnd which is common. I doadmit it is concerning but please don't say things that could put this baby in danger

The eye contact is not the issue at all, if you think eye contact is the only way you can bond with someone I would question the work and training you did before being matched. It looks like the eye contact has become the scapegoat for your feelings.

Have you told your social worker you don’t want to spend time with your daughter? Thats quite worrying and does suggest she is at a greater risk of harm due to your feelings, I assume she isn’t being exposed to you both crying all the time?

Your expectations don’t seem to match the appropriate developmental levels of a baby, what you’re describing is all normal for a lot of babies, if we sang at our daughter at that age we would have had to pin her down to keep her near us. Also she is nine months old, in the nicest way being on someones nap is incredibly boring when you’re nine months old, especially if she is crawling.