Not bonding with child after 9 months

[Papalan]

Hi all, sorry if someone finds this topic sensitive, but we have been living a nightmare and we don’t know how to continue.
Me and my partner started our adoption journey a few months ago when we were matched with a newborn baby girl. We were incredibly lucky to be able to pick her up from the hospital and experience parenthood from the very beginning as we wanted.
Only a few weeks in I felt like there was “something” with her behaviour. She would never look at me when feeding her a bottle and wouldn’t really pay much attention to us. This started to affect us as with the lack of eye contact there were not many other ways to bond with a newborn.
Fast forward a few months, she is the happiest little girl. She is meeting her milestones, eats well, sleeps well… but she is not bonding with us. We feel like we are 24/7 babysitters. She does give decent eye contact when on the pram, mat, high chair…but she would do everything she can to avoid eye contact when holding her on having her on our lap. This is making us impossible to build a connection with her. We went through a stage of thinking she could be on the ASD spectrum, or maybe it was trauma from separation from birth mum, or just her personality… but the truth is that whatever the reason is we don’t care, it’s this behaviour what is affecting the attachment. She won’t really engage with us when singing to her or trying to play with her.
We care about her, but we don’t really love her. It breaks our hearts because we have had her for 9 months now and we are still feeling this way. We want this to work out but we don’t know if this bond will ever come as there’s no biological bond.
If the baby was ours biologically we wouldn’t really have a choice but to power through it, but as we still have to confirm the adoption we are considering if this is right for us or not. It breaks our heart thinking giving her away, but I can honestly say these have been the unhappiest 9 months of my life, and that makes me wonder. I’ve been on therapy for a few months already. We are depressed and crying almost everyday. We just don’t want to spend time with her because it’s a constant reminder of the situation and we feel horrible. Sorry for the vent, but we don’t know what to do or how long to delay a decision as it’s not fair for anyone. We just want our little happy family, and this is breaking us.

I would strongly encourage you to seek Video Interactive Guidance to work on your (lack of) bond with baby. It's available on the NHS in England - I'm not sure about other GB countries, sorry.

https://www.videointeractionguidance.net/parents-carers

It sounds as if you and your partner are both struggling with your mental health and are hyper-focused on perceived rejection by your baby. I'm not saying there is definitely nothing amiss with your baby - but it was a problem from day one, when she was literally newborn - I don't think so. No newborn gives eye contact or is interested in the parent. Before you give up on the poor baby, please don't leave any stone unturned in seeking help for your own issues.

I agree that this thread is really sad.

I can see how you may not form an immediate bond that you feel should be there. You haven't given birth so you've not had the surge of hormones that a biological mother would have and so the hard work associated with having a very small baby can't be smoothed over by smelling their head and instantly feeling comfort.

I can imagine that a period in which you confirm the adoption is there for a reason, and the reason is if you feel adoption is simply just not for you.

Please don't adopt another child, it may not be the route for you. I don't know your reasons for adopting, but please consider other options or an adult only household.

I think you need to be very honest with the social workers / health visitors

Your situation sounds tough but I have to agree with others that the problem lies with the both of you and not with the baby. The first year with any baby is tough and it's not uncommon for parents to struggle to bond. Tiny babies don't make eye contact as such they just need comfort and love.

Only a few weeks in I felt like there was “something” with her behaviour. She would never look at me when feeding her a bottle and wouldn’t really pay much attention to us
You are saying this about a new born, weeks old baby, do you realise how unreasonable and frankly unhinged this is?
Your statements are all about you and your feelings and not the effect on this poor baby.

i think you’re probably symptom spotting, health professionals involved with my son were convinced he is autistic. Suddenly everyone round me were certain that any behaviour, for example lining toys up was a sign of autism. He’s neurotypical with a completely different health condition that was delayed in diagnosis because of this.
The love thing is insurmountable though. If you were looking for a perfect baby and haven’t received one then I genuinely don’t know what to say. Every child deserves love.

I agree. I didn't bond with my eldest son at first. He is autistic and he was a really difficult baby. Yes, I was depressed. Yes, I cried every day. No, I didn't 'give him back'. With respect, adopting a child is permanent. This might not be the child you imagined or dreamed of, but she is now yours. And if this is any help, my son is now 6 and I can't imagine life without him - we are so close and I love him so much. It sounds like you are depressed, in which case you need to see GP for help.

Wow. This is awful. I can't believe you're considering "trying again with another child." So not only would this poor baby be removed from her mother at birth, she'd be taken away from the only caregivers she's known for her entire life?

To be fair, I instinctively knew there was something 'different' about my son from a few weeks old. Took 3 years until anyone would listen. Now has a diagnosis of ASD and ADHD, which I have known all along. Now he is 6 it is very obvious to everyone around him.

Yes, I have to admit I agree with this. Poor child. I know it is tough on you, but you are her parents and you have to make this work, for her sake, just like biological parents do.

I knew with my girl too. Same diagnosis but duecto being a girl took me til she was 6. Frustrating but love her a lot. She is like the most empathetic person at times yet hates everyone at others. Last night she said i went in my room yesterday praying my family would disappear but right now im ok i have a family.lol

Love our little ASD kiddos ❤️

This sounds like very much a problem with the adults here rather than the baby. My baby has just turned a year and makes lots of eye contact now but in the newborn stage they just look through you in my experience. And I don’t know what you’re expecting but they don’t give much back until they start smiling, laughing etc. You are essentially full time slaves/babysitters with any baby most of the time surely?? It is incredibly worrying that you don’t want to spend time with her and don’t love her, to me that says things have broken down and she needs to be with people who can offer her unconditional love whether she has additional needs or not. It’s not a home trial situation where you can exchange for another baby if this one doesn’t meet your expectations. Foster to adopt/early placement is a risk because you are presented with a beautiful newborn but have no idea of their future needs or the effects of the harm in utero or from their genetic background. That’s why it’s a very serious decision to decide to do this. I would find it hard to believe you would be offered another baby via this method but you might be able to be matched with an older child who is more of a known quantity. But they will come with their own trauma and you may find it difficult to bond with them too.

This! This poor child, please don't give up on her! It's actually heartbreaking to read that you're consider giving her back.

This. I think you are too wrapped up in the fantasy of having a baby and lost sight of the fact that babies are hard. Give her back now so she can still get a loving family. I do not think you should try again.

It sounds as though you beleive you will just be able to pick another child and see if that one 'fits' instead?
I've witnessed the devestation of "parents" giving up their adopted children and simply despair of anybody who could do this to a child.

@Papalaneye contact can actually be just too overstimulating for some babies, do you know anything about her birth parents ,medical history, circumstances of adoption? Neurodiversity is probably over represented in parents who have to give up babies at birth. Does she make eye contact or look towards other adults in your family or other visitors, especially when they are smiling and being happy around her, does she look towards you when she is sitting on someone else’s knee? If she’s sat on your knee and you turn your head to look somewhere, does she follow your gaze? As someone who had bad PND, I found it extremely hard to smile at my babies , my face was probably quite blank or sad or anxious looking…and having worked with mums and babies with PND, there can be an issue with mums facial expressions when looking at their babies, the baby eventually gives up trying to elicit a response ,or will seek positive responses in other adults if the mum is unable to get help to change this around. However bonding is about more than just facial expressions, are you singing/talking to her regularly , cuddling her, giving her baby massages etc? How does she react to these? I and many birth mums with PND don’t always bond with our babies in the early months but when you work on it, bonding does develop over time and the relationship can improve.it’s a bit of a “fake it til you make it “ time. I would gently challenge your statement that “ there are not many other ways to bond with a newborn” …you realise that some babies are born blind and some parents are blind themselves , there are plenty of other ways to bond with someone…think of all your senses other than vision ie. Touch, hearing ,smell. Bonding is also about time together as a family, so spending time going for a walk, you and your DH talking about the positives you have experienced, taking time to notice the things that are going good or ok ,small milestones that are being met……having a baby that eats and sleeps well is a bit like gold dust!

What do you know about the birth parents?

I really don't understand your post: "Fast forward a few months, she is the happiest little girl. She is meeting her milestones, eats well, sleeps well…"

She sounds like an easy and ideal baby. Does she not smile or laugh at all? Is there no fun, playing, tickles?

I'm not sure what's gone wrong here. It sounds like you are hanging the outcome of the whole relationship on whether there's eye contact or not - and as there isn't, it sounds like you have shut down emotionally towards her.

Not all of mine would had eye contact with me, but I found their company a joy.

Crying and depressed over a baby that, as you say yourself, is the happiest girl, eating and sleeping well doesn't actually make much sense. (If you said she was screaming non-stop and you hadn't had a night's sleep in 9 months, it would be understandable.)

You're right that there's something really wrong here but I'm not sure it's the baby.

I’m struck most of all by how you say that a few weeks in, you felt the lack of eye contact was a sign something was amiss. This really isn’t unusual behaviour in newborns. And you say that eye contact is the only way to bond…I disagree. I think skin to skin, comforting care, being held - all that feeding and washing and holding that babies need, that’s what starts to create the bond.

but I think you are not thinking of what will bond the baby to you as caregivers, you are thinking what will bond YOU to the baby ie a part of emotional reciprocation. And honestly? I didn’t really get anything like meaningful affection from my son until he was nearly 2. This is developmentally appropriate. Before this he mainly showed his attachment to me by completely ignoring me and occasionally screaming if I put him down or left the room.

I think you would both benefit from talking with a therapist experienced in adopting families. Like PP I think the issue is with your expectations and not at all with your baby.

I can't psss comment on your feelings as I don't have the words.

But if you don't feel able to provide a forever home for this tiny little human, you need to make this decision ASAP.
The process for adoption is long and matching / panel can take a while.
The older the child gets, the harder this becomes and the more likely she remains in long term care.
That is not fair on her or in her best interests! So please, don't spend a lifetime deciding you don't want her.

Can I suggest you repost this on the adoption board, OP? You’ll get advice more targeted at what you’ve all experienced/are experiencing.

This. The saying you don't care why she doesn't give you eye contact, speaks volumes. It sounds like you need validation from her and can't deal with the fact that she doesn't give you what you want

If you need validation please do give her up. If you feel you cant love her or spend time with her please arrage to give her back. It will take a lot of one sided work on yoyr part. Parenting is hard

Please don't try again with another child, your expectations and 'blame' of a newborn are absolutely unhinged.

Are you sure there's actually a problem re eye contact?
Newborns don't really do eye contact, their vision is blurry, they look but they're not really looking.
I know children who weren't wonderful with eye contact at an older age than 9 months but there's nothing the matter with them..
It sounds like you're expecting too much from her, can you let of wanting her to connect with you, it doesn't really work like that in the early days..