Not bonding with child after 9 months

[Papalan]

Hi all, sorry if someone finds this topic sensitive, but we have been living a nightmare and we don’t know how to continue.
Me and my partner started our adoption journey a few months ago when we were matched with a newborn baby girl. We were incredibly lucky to be able to pick her up from the hospital and experience parenthood from the very beginning as we wanted.
Only a few weeks in I felt like there was “something” with her behaviour. She would never look at me when feeding her a bottle and wouldn’t really pay much attention to us. This started to affect us as with the lack of eye contact there were not many other ways to bond with a newborn.
Fast forward a few months, she is the happiest little girl. She is meeting her milestones, eats well, sleeps well… but she is not bonding with us. We feel like we are 24/7 babysitters. She does give decent eye contact when on the pram, mat, high chair…but she would do everything she can to avoid eye contact when holding her on having her on our lap. This is making us impossible to build a connection with her. We went through a stage of thinking she could be on the ASD spectrum, or maybe it was trauma from separation from birth mum, or just her personality… but the truth is that whatever the reason is we don’t care, it’s this behaviour what is affecting the attachment. She won’t really engage with us when singing to her or trying to play with her.
We care about her, but we don’t really love her. It breaks our hearts because we have had her for 9 months now and we are still feeling this way. We want this to work out but we don’t know if this bond will ever come as there’s no biological bond.
If the baby was ours biologically we wouldn’t really have a choice but to power through it, but as we still have to confirm the adoption we are considering if this is right for us or not. It breaks our heart thinking giving her away, but I can honestly say these have been the unhappiest 9 months of my life, and that makes me wonder. I’ve been on therapy for a few months already. We are depressed and crying almost everyday. We just don’t want to spend time with her because it’s a constant reminder of the situation and we feel horrible. Sorry for the vent, but we don’t know what to do or how long to delay a decision as it’s not fair for anyone. We just want our little happy family, and this is breaking us.

I assume you are doing early permanence if you are in the UK? Are you still facilitating birth family contact? We have done EP twice, both with babies from hospital/a few weeks old. Our eldest I loved and adored immediately, they were very poorly and had no birth family contact. Our youngest the love and bond took a lot longer for various reasons. They weren't quite what I imagined based on info on paper, I felt hugely protective of my older child, my partner took adoption leave and assessments were still being undertaken for birth family. So I think my guard was up a bit. Our youngest was also very different to our oldest, a complete potato and did absolutely nothing for about 8 months. My eldest was a very high needs baby, my youngest a dream in terms of ease but it really did take me a long time to bond and I did have thoughts of ''have we made the wrong decision''. They are now nearly 2 and I absolutely adore them and love them just as I do my eldest.

So it really can take time, especially with a process like early permanence if that's what you're doing. You seem to be fixating a lot on the eye contact bit, are there any other developmental concerns? Did you go through with your social worker in stage 2 about the needs you felt you can and cannot manage? What is it specifically you are worried about?

Well whether or not this is PND or post adoption remorse this is definitely not try before you buy - she should give the baby to another couple who will love the vibes of her for the precious gift she is

Not even. I don't think I've read anything more shocking ever 😭

She’s 9 months old for goodness sake. Why do people expect adopted children to be perfect or be “returned” when they wouldn’t think the same of a biological child. As an adoptee myself the OP’s attitude makes me furious and I very much think you should definitely not “try again” with another child after traumatizing one. You’ve reduced her chance of finding a loving family.

Exactly if you don't want a baby because it is a little behind on its milestones, you clearly aren't ready to be a parent to any children.

Agreed, this thread is heartbreaking. 100% don't adopt another child OP

In case anyone hasn’t clocked this is a semi-zombie from December 2024. If OP is still around I hope dearly they’ve stuck it out.