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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking that DSS's achievement is not on the same scale as DS's?

58 replies

BingBangBaby · 16/07/2009 12:07

Earlier this year, DSD got awarded player of the year at his rugby club. Great acheivement, we made a point of buying him a new outfit that he wanted and he got taken out to dinner.

Last week, my DS got awarded his black belt in karate. Something he'd been training for since the age of 7 and it was an all day physical exam as well as a theory paper.

I decided to buy him a new outfit and take him out to dinner. DH on the other hand things that his son should also come on the dinner AND be awarded another new outfit because his son got an attendance certificate at school today.

IMO, this totally devaluates DS's acheivement. He's worked for that belt for 7 years. Is it really unreasonable to want to award him with a special treat JUST FOR HIM? just like DSS got with the rugby thing?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 16/07/2009 12:09

YANBU.

It's nice that your dss got an attendance certificate, but it is nothing like getting a black belt.

PrincessToadstool · 16/07/2009 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 16/07/2009 12:15

I don't like the thought of taking one out to dinner without the other - surely it would be more fun to go together?

Helen31 · 16/07/2009 12:15

YANBU - have you thought of getting DH to read Raising Boys? These kinds of rites of passage are apparently really important for boys, and the author is specific that it is just for the boy in question. Sounds like DSS already had his turn.

fircone · 16/07/2009 12:31

Agree with others.

It would be different if dsd never achieved anything much and the attendance certificate was at least something, but since he has had his day in the sun with the rugby award then it should be your ds's turn.

But it would be nice if your dsd attended the dinner. It is good to share in others' triumphs.

fircone · 16/07/2009 12:33

Your DSS, I mean. Getting in a muddle with the acronyms.

mumblechum · 16/07/2009 12:33

Oh yes I presumed that you'd all be going out to dinner together. But you shouldn't feel the need to buy anything for dss.

Reallytired · 16/07/2009 12:34

Its hard to judge without meeting the boys.

Getting an attendence certificate would be a great achievement for a child with a history of persistant truancy.

When my son was two and half years old he walked across a small room unaided. I was absolutely estatic. My sister in law who was in the room at the time said "Thats nothing, my two year old can walk nearly a mile."

What she did not understand was that my son and I (with help from a child physio and orthortist) had sweated blood and tears to get him to walk.

Has your DSS got a history of being a school refuser? If not then I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Tamarto · 16/07/2009 12:37

Yes it would be nice for DSS to share in the meal but only if her son was at DSS's meal otherwise it will seem very very unfair to her son.

He shouldn't be getting another outfit though.

CrushWithEyeliner · 16/07/2009 12:37

YANBU - this is your DS "moment" and it is v important you reward him for his hard work.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 16/07/2009 12:37

If your DSS lives with you or would be with you on the night of the dinner, take him, or give your DS the chose to go another time without him. I assume DS didn't have dinner with DSS?

No new outfit for DSS. Attendance is not the same as working for years.

I am thinking of something for my DD as DS1 got 100% attendance (even though he had the next 2 days off) but DD won't get it as she was one hour late for school twice due to a hospital appointment. Really mean towards a five year old in my opinion and it is like a punishment for having problems.

Stigaloid · 16/07/2009 12:39

YANBU

Tamarto · 16/07/2009 12:40

FabBakerGirl - That kind of thing really annoys me, attendance awards are extremly unfair in the main.

katiestar · 16/07/2009 12:41

Don't understand why you wouldn't want to all celebrate each other's achievements ,large or small.
Everyone knows a blackbelt is a greater chievent than an attendance certificate ,it doesn't take anything away from your DS to extend the celebrations to include your DSS

Greensleeves · 16/07/2009 12:43

How do the boys get on? Is there rivalry?

I see katiestar's point that it would be nice if everyone could just altruistically share the limelight, but if that just isn't the family dynamic then there is no point in pretending that it is.

Childreb have very intense feelings about this sort of thing. You've got to try very hard to be fair.

I disapprove of attendance rewards anyway - it's rarely in the child's control and it's farcical to penalise anyone for illness/other appointments etc.

funnypeculiar · 16/07/2009 12:43

Did your ds go out to the supper for your dsd? If so, then I'd invite both - but make clear that meal was for your ds.
If your dsd had his 'own' meal for his excellent achievement, only fair that ds does too.

Attendance certificate (unless I have misunderstood) isn't really in the same league, imho

funnypeculiar · 16/07/2009 12:44

dss not dsd, sorry!

KittyWalker · 16/07/2009 12:46

I think they should both go out for dinner, but the whole family should go to celebrate everyone's achievements (if this is what you do).

The spotlight should be on the achiever, and I think the 100% attendance should not be compared to a black belt in karate!

Well done to both of them for their achievements this year. Player of the year and a black belt are both fantasic achievements, you must be very proud

100% attendance pales into insignificance really. I personally do not like those kind of awards.

dilemma456 · 16/07/2009 12:48

Message withdrawn

dilemma456 · 16/07/2009 12:49

Message withdrawn

Tamarto · 16/07/2009 12:50

The thing is though if her son didn't go for for the meal for her step son it'll feel like a slight on him if he doesn't get the same.

Pyrocanthus · 16/07/2009 12:50

'What she did not understand was that my son and I (with help from a child physio and orthortist) had sweated blood and tears to get him to walk.'

Where the heck had she been, Reallytired? What a thing to say (SIL I mean, not you).

Original poster
BingBangBaby · 16/07/2009 13:28

Thanks for the replies (just replied on the other karate thread )

DS did not go on the meal with DSS. DH took him and one of his rugby friends as it was a treat for just him.

This is why I wanted to take DS and one of his friends.

As far as the attendance thing goes, DS got one of those too. I don't think they're a big deal and wouldn't normally reward them for attendance ... they have little choice about going to school!

OP posts:
Surfermum · 16/07/2009 13:39

My experience with dd and dsd (half-siblings) is that dsd (13) is acutely aware of everything that dd gets and would soon let us know if she perceived something not to be "fair". I bet your ds is exactly the same.

No, the two achievements don't compare. I thin it would be really unfair on him not to treat your ds the same way as your dss.

Tamarto · 16/07/2009 13:41

In that case it would be very unfair to insist that DSS goes along unless that is who your son wants to take.