Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

For thinking that DSS's achievement is not on the same scale as DS's?

58 replies

BingBangBaby · 16/07/2009 12:07

Earlier this year, DSD got awarded player of the year at his rugby club. Great acheivement, we made a point of buying him a new outfit that he wanted and he got taken out to dinner.

Last week, my DS got awarded his black belt in karate. Something he'd been training for since the age of 7 and it was an all day physical exam as well as a theory paper.

I decided to buy him a new outfit and take him out to dinner. DH on the other hand things that his son should also come on the dinner AND be awarded another new outfit because his son got an attendance certificate at school today.

IMO, this totally devaluates DS's acheivement. He's worked for that belt for 7 years. Is it really unreasonable to want to award him with a special treat JUST FOR HIM? just like DSS got with the rugby thing?

OP posts:

sleeplessinstretford · 16/07/2009 13:52

do you all live together? If you don't (and i am saying this as nicely as possible) then your DS has already 'won' by getting dad 24/7. I can't see why you would want to exclude him from a family celebration-unless you don't see him as family?

cissycharlton · 16/07/2009 14:08

Getting player of the year is a fantastic acheivement. He must be really talented, have worked really hard and behaved very well throughout the season.

piscesmoon · 16/07/2009 14:08

It is a bit unfortunate that your DS didn't go out for the DSS's meal.
I think that they should be treated as brothers and if you go out for a meal then you don't exclude any of the family.
I would say that DSS should go for the meal, but doesn't need a new outfit. I don't think you need much to celebrate the 100% attendance because he already has the certificate and it was down to luck that he wasn't ill.If he is really thought to need something it could be quite small.

YorkshireRose · 16/07/2009 14:09

BingBangBaby - then you should just take your DS and his chosen friend out for lunch. Surely you don't need your DHs permission for this - did he ask for yours when he took out HIS DS?

YorkshireRose · 16/07/2009 14:10

And get him the new outfit of course.

Surfermum · 16/07/2009 14:20

I don't think it's about excluding him or not treating him as family, it's about doing the same for him as for his step-brother. If his step-brother can have an exclusive treat, then why can't he?

It's fine to go without the other one, it's fine to have both there. But be consistent, otherwise your son will be the one feeling excluded.

Tamarto · 16/07/2009 14:23

Surfermum - Exactly what i think.

piscesmoon · 16/07/2009 14:28

Since DSS had an exclusive treat then you could do that for DS, but after that they could be treated as family and all go -as a family.

Helen31 · 16/07/2009 14:35

Thanks for the clarification BingBang - I think your DH is being unreasonable given DS wasn't involved at all in DSS's equivalent celebration. Equivalent would be for DS to invite person of his choice surely? If that is DSS, so be it, but if, like DSS, he prefers to choose a friend, that's life isn't it? DH needs to grow up!

Helen31 · 16/07/2009 14:37

Sorry, posted before refreshing the page, can see things have moved on!

RemusLupinInAWizardsuit · 16/07/2009 14:51

Can I just hijack this (with a bit of a point) to say I have never recovered from the day when, celebrating my graduation with a First at a restaurant with my family, my brother announced he was getting married and my dad ordered the most expensive champagne to celebrate that announcement!

Pair of twats.

Bitter? Twisted? Oh yes I am.

But agree, family harmony is also important in a blended family so you need to make sure you are all managing the politics of the situation carefully...

ottersRus · 16/07/2009 15:07

Why do either of them need to be bought stuff as a reward for doing something that they each enjoy doing? Or even need to be taken out to dinner as a treat? They have done well at thier sports because they enjoy them, and they have been rewarded by passing the exam/getting the award.

I just think it's you thats creating the problems by giving your own rewards which is then starting some kind of competition within the family about who is valued more.

If it were me, I would just say well done, really proud of you, and cook their favourite meal for dinner.

piscesmoon · 16/07/2009 15:43

I think that the whole problem stems from not being a family, but it being my DS and your DS instead of our DSs.

sleeplessinstretford · 16/07/2009 16:06

i am with you pisces-why stir up a whole heap of jealousy problems.
They are your children,you can't really get a bigger fuss for one than the other, it's very divisive.

pranma · 16/07/2009 16:30

YANBU your ds deserves his reward for his black belt just as dss had for rugby.Be up front with dh and tell him that you are doing exactly what he did,then suggest a family meal ut on another occasion.Its a minefield out there I had 3 steps and 2 own dcs and believe me they notice.

seeker · 16/07/2009 16:55

I would ignore what happened before and start a new family tradition of sharing in each other's celebrations. Have a lovely time as a family, drink a toast to the one who's achieved whatever it was, and try not to get into competitive treat-giving.

bridewolf · 16/07/2009 17:09

i hate attendance certificates, some children with long term health problems cant ever hope to attend full time school.

why should a child be rewarded for being lucky enough to be healthy?

and quite frankly it means nothing if behavour at school is not that good.

mumeeee · 16/07/2009 17:12

Why can't you all go out for the meal but buy your Ds something for himself. and also make sure that everyone knows that the celebration is for your DS.

Tamarto · 16/07/2009 17:45

It's not competitive to give one child the same as the other child.

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/07/2009 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Surfermum · 16/07/2009 19:15

Now I agree with Tamarto!

I wouldn't ignore what went on before. You can let one boy see the other get his exclusive celebration and then be told "oh we don't do it like that any more". That would be hurtful and would make him feel less important than the other boy.

And there's nothing competitive going on, BingBang doesn't want to out-do her step-son's celebration, she just wants the same for her ds, and there's nothing wrong with that.

PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot · 16/07/2009 19:22

no yanbu, one treat foreach isexactly how we play it here- the step bit is not the point0 kids need time alone with psrents

Surfermum · 16/07/2009 19:23

I agree, the "step" thing is irrelevant here.

OrmIrian · 16/07/2009 19:28

May I just say a brief slightly OT word on behalf of attendance certificates please? DS#s's school has poor attendance levels. Nowt to do with health, due to truancy and parents that don't give a toss. Attendance certificates help to combat this. They can have a purpose.

PeachyTheRiverParrettHarlot · 16/07/2009 19:32

they do Orm though I was apopletic () that ds2 didnt get hiswhen thereason hewas off was a school H&S failure that put him n A&E and on crutches for 4 days. Kinda figured they'd let that one go.....

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread