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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand why mil so vehemently objects to my ds1 attending my nans funeral

75 replies

Sails · 02/02/2009 21:05

Its my nans funeral this week. PIL knew my nan and plan to attend. I have suggested that the look after my dcs (aged 1 and 3) at the back of the church or atleast ds1 aged 3. MIL strongly objected and wants him completely away from any of it. She wants him babysat in our home by friends or she said she will just have to babysit herself and miss the funeral. No way will she even consider looking after him at the back of the church (dh and I will be at the front) as he is far too young and he will ask too many question and an experience like that will damage him give him nightmares. Er excuse me call me oldfashioned but as his mother isn't a decision/jugement like that mine too make? I don't think it will affect him like that if its handled right. Aren't funerals part of life? Noway would he go to the internment afterwards I wanted pil to babysit and take them to the wake and meet us there (which she is more than willing to do btw). Feel she is being very interfering in this!

OP posts:

loobeylou · 02/02/2009 21:11

so sorry for your loss Sails

YANBU in wanting your DC at the funeral if that is what you and other relatives want, though many on here will disagree and say no kids at funerals, esp those who are not used to church/sitting still etc

however, if you make this choice, then i think YABU to expect someone else MIL to have the worry, stress, embarrassment of trying to look after LOs (esp when their generation probably do not expect kids to go to funerals and they are so young they may be struggling/wanting you anyway)

TBH, I would go for getting MIL to babysit at your house, then they all join you at the wake

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 02/02/2009 21:12

Yes it's your choice.

Yes, deaths (and therefore funerals) are part of life.

Now. Please ask for our opinions about whether it's a good idea for a young child to go to one. pleeeeeeeeease

CHEQUERSmate · 02/02/2009 21:13

I'm with loobey, if you're going to take him then you take him, don't expect MIL to do it.

battyhatty · 02/02/2009 21:13

I agree, if you feel that you can handle the questions then go. But I think it should be you sitting at the back with your dc's not MIL.

fuckerForMyValentine · 02/02/2009 21:14

I feel it is of course your choice whether your dc attend a funeral

However, I think yabu to expect your mil to cope with a young child at a funeral

they are your responsibility at such an emotional time

I don't get this "front of the church" thing, you should be with your dc where it is appropiate, and if that is not with you, perhaps you should rethink your decision

mrsjammi · 02/02/2009 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 02/02/2009 21:15

Of course it is your decision to make but I can sort of see your MIL's point. Personally I think 1 and 3 is too young to attend a funeral. And it's definately too young to expect them to sit in a church quiet, still etc. Your MIL has every right to object as she will be looking after DS1 for you. I would take her up on her offer of babysitting your DC away from the funeral.

SalBySea · 02/02/2009 21:15

I am all for bringing children to funerals, I think its healthy and keeping them away and making them some horrible mystery is much more likely to cause nightmares IMO, imagination can be worse than reality.

In my culture children attend funerals. I went to my gran's funeral at 3 yrs and various others during my childhood. I grew up without a fear of funerals

But in this country many people think the opposite. My DH was not brought to family funerals till he was 18.

My MIL would be the same as yours

Clayhead · 02/02/2009 21:16

At my grandad's funeral myself and my cousins took dc of 1, 2, 4 and 6 - we all sat with our own dc and no one seemed to bat an eyelid (couldn't have cared less if they did TBH).

beanieb · 02/02/2009 21:16

your choice but I think you should take him if you want him there.

bangandthedirtisgone · 02/02/2009 21:18

"Er excuse me call me oldfashioned but as his mother isn't a decision/jugement like that mine too make? I don't think it will affect him like that if its handled right"

But you're expecting her to handle it for you! If you want to take them then do it yourself and deal with it yourself.

MrsMerryHenry · 02/02/2009 21:20

YANBU to want your children to attend, however YABU to not understand your MIL's point of view. I don't think it's difficult to see why some people wouldn't want young children at a funeral, however like you I think young children should be there. They need to learn how to engage with all aspects of life and you're right in thinking that it's your role as a mother to enable them to do so.

I took my then 1-year-old DS to my brother's funeral, also there was a friend's 2-yr-old daughter. It was a really beautiful, special day and I'm so glad they were there to bring a sense of new life and joy.

Could you ask a close friend to attend but look after your DCs instead?

So sorry for your loss, it sounds like you must have loved your nan a lot (I'm reading btw lines since you want your children to be there she must have meant a lot to you).

I hope the day is full of happy memories and also cathartic for you. Sending you my very best wishes and prayers for the funeral. xxx

pippylongstockings · 02/02/2009 21:23

My nan dies last year and I chose not to take my kids (3 and 1) to the funeral. For my own selfish reasons - I wanted to be able to weep and morn my loss freely and be there to comfort my mother rather than have to distract and amuse my children.

I would not have expected my MIL to deal with them either. I feel YABU that is a bit odd that you think she should take that role ?
My sister took her children and her DH looked after them at the back of the church can you not do this if you really want them there?

My kids came to the wake and that worked really well for us, as several of my cousins brought their children to the wake too and I think it gave my grandad a good feeling of family.

mumeeee · 02/02/2009 21:25

YANBU in wanting to take your DS to the funeral but you are BU in wanting PIL to look after him.
If you take him then you should be the ones looking after him.

MrsMerryHenry · 02/02/2009 21:26

Btw I think it's a good idea to have someone there specifically to look out for your DCs - my DH did this brilliantly and so DS was kept away from hysterical mourning.

EldonAve · 02/02/2009 21:28

I agree with bangandthedirtisgone
YABU to expect your MIL to look after them at the funeral
If you want to take them then you need to look after them yourself

mrsbaldwin · 02/02/2009 21:29

A very similar scenario in my family last year (a relative's small children, my mother and her sisters didn't want them to attend, for similar reasons to your MIL). This caused a Great Big Row. The resolution of the row was that the children didn't attend the funeral service but did come to the wake/party afterwards (which was fine).

noonki · 02/02/2009 21:29

I think it's very good for children to see lots of mourning and crying.

Death is a very sad time and the younger they learn that it is so imo the better.

My Dad lost his mum was he was 4 and according to his older sister they never saw any cry over her. Which makes me very sad,a s the children must have held in so many emotions they didnt know what to do with.

spicemonster · 02/02/2009 21:35

I have taken my DS to a funeral and I was glad I did as his presence was much appreciated at the wake.

But I think you have to look after him. at the very least, if he knew I were down the front of the church, there is no way on earth my DS would sit quietly at the back. I think either you have to look after him or accept your MIL's POV

boogiewoogie · 02/02/2009 21:36

OP, have you ever taken your dcs ever to a funeral before? I take it that they haven't. We took ours to dh's grandma's last year and ds was fine at the crematorium but no matter how much we tried to keep him quiet at the back, he got more and more wound up and went hysterical in the middle of dh's father's tribute.

Of course your dcs may behave differently to mine but I do think that you are giving your ILs a big responsibility and it really ought to be you that should be watching them at the back or take them out if they're being disruptive.

hellymelly · 02/02/2009 21:40

I took my dd to her Great Grandmother's funeral and my mother did just what you are asking and looked after dd when she got a bit too noisy and wriggly (she was nearly two).I honestly don't get this this of not taking children to funerals,I went to them as a child and I take my children to them and it seems normal to me,I would take them to a wedding,why not a funeral?As I mentioned in another post on this ,my dd was fine and I think would have been more anxious if she had been left out,also when a friend died a few months ago she came as did lots of other neighbours children and she was really really good and wanted to be there (she was three).I think your mil should help you as you are asking,seems totally reasonable to me.

mm22bys · 02/02/2009 21:44

I agree with the majority here, if you want your DC's there, then you should look after them, there is no need for you to sit at the front.

It's great you're all such a close knit family and sorry for your loss.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 02/02/2009 21:49

YABU, your mil is speaking perfect sense.

Personally I think 3 and 1 are too young for a funeral. Get a friend to babysit so you can relax and grieve for your gran and say your goodbyes without worrying about how your kids are behaving.

I think you are being very unpleasant about your MIL but will excuse you on grounds of being griefstricken.

Hope the funeral goes well.

Original poster

Sails · 02/02/2009 21:54

Tbh a big factor in my decision was my mum told me that her other dgc will be there and she said what is wrong with asking x (mils name) to look after them at the back). She wants me at the front with them tbh but no way would I have ds there. He seems to have no concept of death at all. He still thinks that his nanan (what he called her) is in hopital despite the fact I have told him what happened. When I told him that I was ringing a friend to tell her what has happened he said to tell her not to worry as Jesus will make her better again!! Yes you did read that right. It seemed like the best solution as I felt guilty about preventing pil from going to the funeral. Have told mil about my niece same age as ds1 going and she said that is not "my concern my concern is for ds1!" Dh is now expressing concerns that ds1 would come running to the front to us. Parents cannot believe the fuss mil is making and say she is blowing it all out of porportion and say I should make my plans and leave mil well out of it! Oh I feel so confused right now tbh!

OP posts:

ClaudiaSchiffer · 02/02/2009 21:56

Leave. The. Kids. At. Home.

Simple.

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