Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why mil so vehemently objects to my ds1 attending my nans funeral

75 replies

Sails · 02/02/2009 21:05

Its my nans funeral this week. PIL knew my nan and plan to attend. I have suggested that the look after my dcs (aged 1 and 3) at the back of the church or atleast ds1 aged 3. MIL strongly objected and wants him completely away from any of it. She wants him babysat in our home by friends or she said she will just have to babysit herself and miss the funeral. No way will she even consider looking after him at the back of the church (dh and I will be at the front) as he is far too young and he will ask too many question and an experience like that will damage him give him nightmares. Er excuse me call me oldfashioned but as his mother isn't a decision/jugement like that mine too make? I don't think it will affect him like that if its handled right. Aren't funerals part of life? Noway would he go to the internment afterwards I wanted pil to babysit and take them to the wake and meet us there (which she is more than willing to do btw). Feel she is being very interfering in this!

OP posts:
morocco · 02/02/2009 21:57

tbh, it sounds less like your mil doesn't want them to attend (which would be unreasonable, esp as she's not a blood relative of the deceased herself) and more like she doesn't want the responsibility of dealing with the emotional fallout (entirely reasonably of her imo)

you could take them up to the front with you, if you think it's important they attend a funeral

or take them along to the wake afterwards

what are you expecting them to gain from attending the funeral service in church but not the burial itself btw? I'm not sure a 1 and 3 year old are going to get the significance of the service alone. so why not just take them along to the wake afterwards? that way they're still included in saying goodbye to your nan

brave of you to post in aibu. sympathies for your loss

hermionegrangerat34 · 02/02/2009 21:57

I took my ds (1) to my grandma's funeral. Not much choice really as I was taking the service and had no childcare that day! But also it never really occurred to me not to take him. He was the only child there and people seemed to like his presence - sense of life going on, etc. My mother looked after him at the back as I was up front, otherwise I'd have had him. It was quite a calm service for an old lady who died naturally, so I wasn't expecting any hysterical mourning etc, and indeed there was none, just quiet sadness.
I'd take them, but have them sit at the front with you. They'll be happier, you'll be happy to have them with you, and if they ask questions you can answer them in a way you feel comfortable with, not have your MIL say things you might have to pick up the pieces of afterwards!

Original poster
Sails · 02/02/2009 21:59

Not that simple my 3 year old will probably cling to my legs and say go don't go mummy or I want to go with you as he always does. 1 year old won't notice I've gone!!

OP posts:
kitkatqueen · 02/02/2009 22:02

I have taken my children to funerals but I totally agree with bang, If its going to be your decision it should be your responsiblity.

Don't pass the buck.

losing a family member is very difficult at the best of times and communicating that loss to young children needs to be handled just right.

At one funeral I attended a child became completely hysterical, just couldn't cope, was all too much.

At another I watched a boy struggling to contain his grief at losing his godfather. I am sure that in some ways it was cathartic for him, but at the same time it was a very rough coming of age.

In both cases their parents were there to support them and guide them through the understanding of what happens and the complexity of their feelings.

They will probably need you, and will at least feel more secure in your care.

I am sorry for your loss, the last thing you need at a time like this is added stress - but you did ask.

best wishes.

Original poster
Sails · 02/02/2009 22:03

MIL doesn't want him there she said it will upset him and cannot believe I am even considering it. That is the part I find interfering but she is right I think about the awkaward question ie whats the coffin which is why I want him at the back.

OP posts:
morocco · 02/02/2009 22:04

don't listen to your mum's opinions about what your mil should or shouldn't be doing - that's not exactly going to be objective is it? (well, in my mum and mil's case anyway, and it sounds like your family are not dissimilar)

how about your dh goes on to the wake with them? my dh took them to a local playarea while we went to my g'dad's funeral, then met us after the wake. no way would I have dreamt of asking mil to look after them at the back of the church, I do think that is bu

Northernlurker · 02/02/2009 22:05

I would take them and have taken my children to two family funerals. Both were a long way from home so it was take them or not go. My children are used to being in church though so that probably helped. I don't believe in 'too young for funerals' but then I don't believe in excluding children from weddings either.

cat64 · 02/02/2009 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadamDeathstare · 02/02/2009 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sails · 02/02/2009 22:09

Perhaps I should take mil up on her original offerand meet them at the wake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sails · 02/02/2009 22:12

As I said I felt guilty about making them miss it especially as my nieces are going (similar ages.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sails · 02/02/2009 22:14

Also fil has booked the day off work to go. Oh I feel so confused!

OP posts:
nonuniform · 02/02/2009 22:19

I took my 3month old and my 2yr 3month old to my mum's funeral.
I needed my family around me and they sat up at the front of the church with me.
My dh looked after the 2yrs old and i pretty much breastfed the little one through the whole thing.

My Dad organised for me and the little one to go to the crem, but he didn't sort out travel for dh and the older child.
Ds1 was very sad to see all of us go in the car and kept asking for me, DH stayed with him and he was ok in the end.
But DH was sad to have been eft out at the crem... and he could have taken ds1 for a walk around.

I honeslty think you should do what feels right for you, but not to ask anyone else to shoulder your responsibility.

I needed my babies there- sorry- i just did.
They were the positive in my life at that time and they coped very well with the funeral.
If there was any problems, then Dh was going to take them out with him.
But there wasn't and ds1 enjoyed the candles and flowers and his cousin (aged 6) was able to put his flower on the coffin and come to the crem without any mega upset.
My mum would have been very cross had we left her darling grandchildren at home, and everyone in there knew that the latter part of her life was devoted to them.

LobstersLass · 02/02/2009 22:21

I don't think you should expect your MIL to look after them.
You want them there so you should look after them and deal with any questions your ds may have.

You've said yourself that you don't think it will affect him badly if its handled right, and that funerals are part of life. You're right on both counts. You should spend a lot of time between now and the funeral making sure that it's handled right, to my mind that means preparing him for the occasion.

I also think it's unfair to expect your MIL to babysit and miss the funeral.

piscesmoon · 02/02/2009 22:23

I wouldn't take them but find a friend to have them. They are too young to understand and it is one time when it is not appropriate for them to interrupt. If you want them there I think it is your responsibility to look after them and not involve your PIL.

Original poster
Sails · 02/02/2009 22:23

But they are my two choices. That is why I suggested she babysat there. However from the start she has offered to babysit and said she would rather that than have him there. She said she would meet us at the wake afterwards.

OP posts:
Drusilla · 02/02/2009 22:25

Sails, haven't read the whole thread butI lost my wonderful Granny last September and took my then 3.5 yrs DS to the funeral. She thought the world of him and I would have regretted it forever if he wasn't there to say goodbye. It was an "informal" funeral, to celebrate her life and I talked to him about it a lot beforehand. He sat at the front with me (I don't think it would have worked at all if I had sat him with anyone other then me) and there were no problems at all. DH and I agreed in advance that if DS got upset DH would take him out of the church

Original poster
Sails · 02/02/2009 22:28

Sorry cross post! My bf has just had a baby so couldn't babysit obviously! A friend of my mother has offered to babysit (walk around the local area in their pushchair so they can still go to the wake but I know from my mother she had been planning to go.

OP posts:
LobstersLass · 02/02/2009 22:28

In your OP you said "She wants him babysat in our home by friends or she said she will just have to babysit herself and miss the funeral". This doesn't sound like she's best happy about missing the funeral.

If you're not prepared to look after them yourself, can't you get some friends to babysit?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/02/2009 22:35

You say that your nieces are going - who is going to look after them? It's all very well for your Mum to say that all her DGCs should be there, but it's very unreasonable to ask your MIL to do the looking after.
I would ask my own mother to look after DS if we were at a family funeral in DH's family, but I wouldn't ask MIL to look after him at a funeral in my family.
I'm sympathetic - in my family we take kids to funerals so it wouldn't be an issue and DS would be up the front with me along with any other children in the immediate family.

Can your DH sit at the back with your DSs? Then you can go at the front with your Mum etc and your MIL is uninvolved and therefore not entitled to an opinion about whether DSs are there or not.

Jux · 02/02/2009 22:35

DD has attended quite a few funerals in her short life , the first was when she was about 2 1/2 - a friend with a dd of same age was there too, so the two girls were together.

Strangely enough, I have found that the atmosphere at funerals is always sad, sometimes intensely so, and I would never dream of not being with dd at one. Even at such a young age a child will feel the atmosphere and respond to it. Your child needs to be with you. Take them of course, if you want to - as I do - but you must be with them.

I also take dd to the burials. She needs to throw a bit of dirt into the grave.

herbietea · 02/02/2009 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

herbietea · 02/02/2009 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twims · 02/02/2009 22:40

I think you have 2 options

  1. have mil babysit but it will be away from the service she will be sad at the loss of your nan (you said she knew her) and there really is no-where that the children can sit quietly, play etc - so she will have a rather stressful time of being surrounded by memories of your nan plus the pressure of keeping the children quiet/occupied - what will she do if baby needs changing/feeding etc?

  2. have your children there front row if thats where you want to sit or back row where it would be easier, and have pils attend as friends of your nans not unpaid babysitters. What is your brother/sister doing with your nieces?

I'm sorry about your loss but I do think that this has to be whats best for the children not you at this point in time

Twims · 02/02/2009 22:43

Sorry Sails missed the bit about your mums friend/neighbour offering - can MIL not just do the same then as your mothers friend ie take the children for a walk - not be at the funeral and go to the wake - sounds like it was an option if that person had been available.