to not understand why mil so vehemently objects to my ds1 attending my nans funeral

[Sails]

Its my nans funeral this week. PIL knew my nan and plan to attend. I have suggested that the look after my dcs (aged 1 and 3) at the back of the church or atleast ds1 aged 3. MIL strongly objected and wants him completely away from any of it. She wants him babysat in our home by friends or she said she will just have to babysit herself and miss the funeral. No way will she even consider looking after him at the back of the church (dh and I will be at the front) as he is far too young and he will ask too many question and an experience like that will damage him give him nightmares. Er excuse me call me oldfashioned but as his mother isn't a decision/jugement like that mine too make? I don't think it will affect him like that if its handled right. Aren't funerals part of life? Noway would he go to the internment afterwards I wanted pil to babysit and take them to the wake and meet us there (which she is more than willing to do btw). Feel she is being very interfering in this!

Actually I've just remembered the loveliest thing from when my Grandma died. It was when we were burying her ashes.
My cousin's DS was 2 at the time and he was just walking up and down the path in the graveyard pulling a toy car or something behind him. When we started throwing the dirt into the grave, he watched what we were doing and very solemnly picked up some gravel and threw it in.
Cue more tears from everyone but a laugh too - Grandma would have thought it was brilliant

If you want your dc to be present at the funeral, you should be in charge of them. It is very unfair to expect your mil to babysit such young children at a funeral when she feels so uncomfortable withthem being there at all.

Why don't you stay at the back with them? Does it matter where you are in teh room?

Thats lovely Alibaba

Sails = sorry for your loss. But this is a bit of a tricky one. When my mum died in 2007, my sis (and therefore also my bro) wanted their DC to be there. All 5 of them were under 4. They were very disruptive and upset my Dad, who was trying to tape the eulogy and it is drowned out by their noise. My (now ex) sil did nothing to prevent the noise, although my bil was trying to keep his 3 quiet. Eventually my bro had to ask his OH to take their DC out.

As a result of this, when we had a memorial service later in the year for Mum, all the DC were kept at the back of the church and my bil was the one left in charge of them (my bro's OH clearly wasn't bothered) and he kept them quiet with biscuits and removed them when that stopped working.

I personally don't think it is a good idea to have children that young at a funeral - especially if their parents are likely to be upset as they won't really understand why.
I don't think your MIL is being particularly unreasonable here, tbh - if you want your DC there, you should be the one to take charge of them and you should take them out if necessary. But this is just my opinion.

My girls and my cousins baby have been to 2 funerals a week apart, dd1 is 3, dd2 is 1 and cousins baby 1, first was my uncles funeral, (cousins babys grandad) and all 3 girls were very close to him, it never occured to us to not have them there, the second was my cousins stillborn son, (cousins babys brother) again, very close family and nobody even considered leaving the girls at home, I think its up to individual families, I have been to funerals since, that I would never considered taking them to, as it would have been inappropriate, but for our family it was the right thing.

The children themselves behaved very well at both funerals, my dd1 was bribed to be very still and quiet, the babies had a cloth book and some beads to fiddle with which worked very well, be prepared for some very awkward questions from your 3 yr old though, my dd asked what was in the present at the babys funeral

I don't think that there is any point having them there unless they are old enough to understand what it is about. However if you believe that they should be there it is you responsibility to look after them-it is very unfair to sit at the front and expect someone else to supervise them at the back.

If you feel your dc should be there, then that's your call. I agree with you - it was important for me that my kids came to my mil funeral. Mil family expressed concerns about the kids coming, but afterwards agreed it had been the right decision, and certainly at the wake they were a joy and brought comfort to lots of people, even those who didn't know my dc - everyone knew how much mil doted on them.

BUT YABU to expect your mil to look after them. It would be wrong imo to insist they're at the funeral, but not to sit with them yourself. It's not fair on mil to expect her to cope at the back with 2 kids who are potentially frightened by the setting, the emotion & the fact they're at the back where they can't see or hear properly, and probably going to kick up cos they know you're up front. It is a fact kids behave better at the front anyway.

Bottom line is, you want them there, you take them. Can't your dh look after them at the back if you really don't want them at the front?

Oh, and I know your mum is probably wracked with grief at the loss of her mum, but she is being unfair complaining about your mil not gareeing to this. You would do well to ignore these comments, as it is potentiall stoking an anti-mil fire in you that could burn for a long time.

While it is not for your mil to make the ultimate decision, it is also not her duty to look after them if you insist they should be there, it's yours. She is not BU.

I didn't get upset in front of the kids. I suppose I feel that as an adult and as a mum I have to be strong.
i think it was good for me to have them there as i said earlier.
My mum would have smiled and hugged them a bit closer.

I suppose it just depends on you and whther or not you feel able to cope with them yourself.

My family is not a big public display of emotion family- we are fairly reserved and the mass wasn't full of wailing and weeping.
My Mum's best friend was there too and she was entertaining ds2.
The way our family runs is that the kids are always involved in stuff- they are the priority and stuff is sorted out so that it is for them too. My mum was central to all of that too, so it would hahve seemed wrong not to take her little friends to say goodbye.

anywya, enough about me... i hope you sort out what needs to happen here so that you can cope on the day and also look back and feel it was the right thing too.
i do have a small regret about ds1 and dh not going to the crem, but it's not a big one.

I do agree your children should go but like a lot of posts it's not really fair to have your MIL look after them and could be a lot more disruptive to other mourners if they get scared/upset and want Mummy or Daddy....

I took my LO to a funeral when he was 4 months old so he had no idea what was going on but it was for my Aunt who died suddenly and I know she would of wanted him there. He was the first baby in our family for over 20 years and as she had no children of her own she saw him as a grandchild of sorts and he was the light of her life! My mum, whose sister it was, checked with her brother and sister if they minded him being there and they all agreed it was what my aunt would of wanted so had no problem with it at all. He was a welcome addition while we all waited to go in and at the wake as was full of smiles and coos and provided a lot of comfort to us all.

But, my husband sat at the end of a pew nearest the door so if he made any noise he could take him out quickly and quietly without disturbing anyone. I sat at the front with my mum as she wanted me next to her.

Can you sit at the front with the rest of your family but your husband with the children at the back? Then if they get upset Daddy is right there and he can easily take them out if they need to and it takes the responsibility from your in-laws.

I agree with everyone that if you want your kids there then it is your responsibility, along with your DH, to look after them, if there is no-one else who will happily do it; clearly your MIL isn't happy so it defaults to you and DH.

Sit at the back with your children if that's where you want them, or get DH to. I sat at the back for my grandad's funeral, it really doesn't matter where you sit I don't think. And TBH I don't think sitting at the back will protect your DS in any way or protect you from possibly having to answer 'awkward' questions.

I think take them if you're happy for them to see the full funeral, and not if not.

Sorry about your loss, hope the funeral goes ok.

My own personal view is that a funeral is not a place for children. However it is your choice whether to allow them to go but YABU to expect someone else to look after them in the church. If you take them you need to look after them, to curb any inappropriate behaviour and to answer their qustions.

Last week was the funeral of DH's grandmother and we both did not want DD's to attend. They have lovely memories of Great Gran chatting to them at Christmas and we wanted this to be their last memories of her. However Sil took her DD's, same age as mine. I respect that this is her choice but they witnessed their Grandad crying and upset which they found upsetting and he obviously found difficult dealing with in front of them. It totally reinforced my opinion that we did the right thing not taking DDs. They went to school and then to a friend's for tea instead.

Sails - I think as their mother you know instinctivly what is appropriate for your children. I also agree their are yours and you would know what to do with them so might be best if you looked after them. And the same as with a wedding you go out if they start misbehaving.

There was a mum on THis Morning last week who had lost her husband suddenly, and she decided to take the children to the funeral, and get them involved in the whole process. I know it is a bit different...but Denise Robertson said words to the effect You are their mother and you know instinctively what is best for your children. Only you know what their relationship was with your grandmother, how you are going to feel, what the funeral will be like (v sad or a celebration of a long and fulfilled life)...
Hope it all goes ok whatever you decide

I don't think the funeral itself will upset your DS, but seeing you cry could well be very upsetting for him. I really don't think death is scary to a 3yo - thier concept of abstract ideas is too limited and they really don't have much of a sense of thier own mortality. However, I also don't think they would get anything out of being there. they won't feel any great sense of loss as we know it as adults and if they don't see their Great Gran any more it really won't impact much on them either (they aren't v sentimental). So, I think you need to aknowledge (IMHO) that if you want them there that it is for your sake not theirs, and on that basis, you can't expect anyone else to deal with the disruption they are likely to cause.
So sorry for your loss. It's always such a sad and stressful time.
I hope it all works itself out.

Agree it's up to you to look after them if you take them, and it's your decision not MIL's as to whether they go. We took ours (2 and 7 months) to their great-nan's funeral last week, and sat at the front with them. I had to do a little distracting when ds got bored but it was really fine. I would have taken them out if they'd got disruptive (it was dp's nan who had died not mine), but I think she would have liked to have them there; also I wanted to be there and it would have been me that stayed at home with them otherwise. (Of course if dp's dad had had strong feelings either way we would have gone with that, as it was his mum's funeral, but he said it was up to us.)

We just explained to ds that we were saying goodbye to great-nan and hearing the vicar read the story of her life, which he understood and liked, and then going to a special big garden full of flowers which would be a special place to remember her. He has been fine with it. But I also come from cultures where funerals are seen as more part of life than as something to hide children from.

We have come to a decision. DH spoke to ds1s preschool this morning and they said they would have him tomorrow and we could swap around his usual sessions iyswim. Didn't think this was even a possibility as it is totally fully booked with a waiting list and he doesn't have all the sessions he is entitled to at the moment because of that! However there are a few children off at the moment so they said its not a problem at all. A friend will pick him up from preschool and take him to the wake. MIL said she is more than happy to look after my 14 month old and take him out if he gets (happy) shouty etc.

I don't really understand where you are coming from.
When my father died my children attended the funeral with me ( it was what all of us - including my mother wanted)

But they were my children so I looked after them. Why wouldn't I?
You can't IMO do the "well it is natural and part of life and children should experience that" arguement and then say that they have to be seperate and away from you and at the back.

Don't you have to pick a view?

My DD was 2 and all in pink and ran around atthe front which was strangely lovely. Especially as we knew that that was exactly what my dad wanted.
DS2 with SN had some comics and didn't really pay much attention. But no one would have minded what he did. It was a family occasion

Yes I just can't see why you can't have your own child with you if you do want him there?

Sounds like you have found a solution though. But just don't get why you couldn't have looked after your own kids yourself?

I would feel more than happy to have ds2 with me anywhere but mil has offered so she can take him out if necessary (it probably will be knowing my boy!) and I won't have to worry about that. This was offered my mil and I have accepted! My main worries with ds1 at the front was he simply has no concept/understanding of death despite me trying to explain to him. Therefore the coffin etc at the front would have been awkward. I felt he could be protected somehow from the back. I suppose I was giving into pressure from different quarters and I was trying to come with a solution to keep everyone happy but ended up pleasing noone. This has worked out just right though ds1 love his preschool and will meet up with the family afterwards.

Should be: THis was offered by mil!

Glad it has worked out ok in the end.

But I do think in this case you were being unreasonable; OK, I see your thoughts on having ds1 at the back but I think what people are having a problem understanding, prob your MIL too, is why you couldn't be at the back with him?

It's no biggie, and you've found a solution and I hope it all goes off ok for you. Just trying to explain where I think the problem has been for people understanding where you're coming from on this one!

I do understand but mil actually said to me that even if I was at the back or dh she still disagreed with him being there as he would ask too many questions and it would give him nightmares. This incensed me as it was v interfering imo. When dh told mil told her about the preschool plan she said that was much better and she was happy about that!

hmm, yes she is being rather opinionated isn't she...I do agree it is totally your choice as parents about whether it's appropriate or not.

Exactly maybe I didn't put it across enough but it was the taking over giving strident opinions that incensed me more than anything! DS2 will be fine whereever whoever he is with but I/everyone who knows him feel that it would be best he is somewhere where he can slip out if necessary. Especially if he gets up to his usual noisy shouty self - happy but still shouty and strident too!

glsd you have found a solution Sails. I hope it goes smoothly.

Thanks!