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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want stair gates?

65 replies

LittleOneMum · 28/11/2008 12:00

I live in a house with stairs. Having discussed the matter at length with DH we decided not to get stairgates for DS. Instead, we keep a careful eye, we ensure doors to the hall are closed, etc. We have also taught him to climb safely and bum shuffle down.
However, my PIL arrived last night with stair gates to install (they are staying with us for the weekend). We had explained before that we were not getting them. As they lifted them out of the car, they said 'We just thought it was safer!', by which I think they mean 'we don't like your choices and think your decision is an unsafe one'.

PLEASE tell me whether you think our approach to stair gates is unreasonable. My PIL are generally very lovely so I am a bit worried that I am being stupid and putting DS at risk if I don't agree that they can put them up. So far I've said nothing...

OP posts:
pigleto · 28/11/2008 12:02

We've never had stairgates. I think they are dangerous, why put a trip hazard at the top of your stairs? Two dcs, no accidents, three storey house (four if you count the cellar).

claw3 · 28/11/2008 12:04

How old is your DS?

Personally i would have a stairgate, there are always times during the day when you might be alone with ds and popping to the loo, making lunch etc, where you take your eyes off him for 2 secs.

Why did you decide against, if you dont mind me asking?

suwoo · 28/11/2008 12:04

Loads of people on here don't use stair gates. We had one at the top, but only so we could lie in bed at the weekend and know he was safe playing . We took it down when he could walk anyway. We did the same as you and he could safely navigate the stairs well before 12 months. I know someone freak who still has gates at 4 years and her kids aren't alowed to use the stairs unsupervised .

mumblechum · 28/11/2008 12:04

We never had stairgates either (couldn't get one wide enough). DS never once fell down stairs, he just learned to go up & down on his bum.

I 've tripped over a stairgate in someone else's house and gone arse over tit. I think they're actually more dangerous than not having them

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 28/11/2008 12:05

Oh we've got stairgates for our dog and I hate them. YANBU and I think they've been really rude.

Swedes · 28/11/2008 12:05

Surely their intentions are to keep your son safe as opposed to seeking to undermine your decision not to fit stairgates.

Your son will be more free to explore his surroundings if the stairgates are in place as he will have free run of the whole of the downstairs or upstairs. This doesn't prevent you from sometimes teaching him how to safely ascend and descend the stairs.

mumto3boys · 28/11/2008 12:05

YANBU. You know your house layout and your child best. I am sure if you thought your children were unsafe, then you would have stairgates.

Your FIL is overstepping the mark IMO

BouncingTurtle · 28/11/2008 12:05

RoSPA do not recommend that you fit them across stairs. I had a visit from a Sure Start Home safety officer who said fitting stair gates at the top of the stairs can be dangerous especially a striaght flight - toddlers could easily find something to stand on next to the stair gate and could topple over them.
I only use them across doorways - though can see your point about them LOM. You've assessed the situation and made the decision not to use them and your PILs shouldn't try to undermind that.

pippylongstockings · 28/11/2008 12:06

We didn't have stair gates until DS1 was 23months and we had DS2.

As you say you can keep a careful eye/doors closed etc. & worked fine for us.

Once we had DS2 I knew we couldn't be so vigalant so got stair gates.

However we took them down when we were decorating the hall and the day after my DS2 1st b.day he fell from top to bottom of the uncarpeted stairs and spent the night in hospital and to this day still has a lump across his forhead where he whacked it.

I will never forget the sound of him thumping down the stairs!

WotsThatSkippy · 28/11/2008 12:06

I'm not one for massively baby-proofing my house, but stair gates were the one thing I wouldn't be without. Just not worth the risk of a small child tumbling down a huge staircase, imo.

MrsBadger · 28/11/2008 12:07

we had one for about six weeks then moved house and haven't put any up

I didn;t really want one in the old house but dd loved to potter between our room / her room / bathroom in the mornings and at bathtime and we chose the gate vs having to jump on her every 30s saying 'no' and dragging her away.
So it was for our comfort rather than hers, iyswim. If you are happy to grab (or your stairs are in a less inviting place) YANBU

TsarChasm · 28/11/2008 12:10

I think your PIL are, with the very best intentions, trying to help out. But ultimately the decision must be yours and they must respect it.

Personally, I felt they were very necessary indeed; but I would understand if not everyone had the same opinion as me.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 28/11/2008 12:10

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nelix2000 · 28/11/2008 12:11

I have a set at the bottom, to stop him going up, and a set on the top landing, not actually on the top set so he doesnt trip. He knows how to go up and down but trust me after you take your eyes off them for less than a second it can be horrific. I had the complete and utter horrible memory of putting away clothes upstairs, DS was in his room, he managed to open his door(they learn fast) and he was at the top of the stairs by the time I got there, he thought I was playing chase and off he went. I saw the fear in his eyes as he tumbles to the bottom.
I would never be without stairgates. You cannot watch them all the time, its impossible. My ds can now roam upstairs or downstairs freely and doesnt feel like I am watching him all the time and loves his freedom. Please think carefully before making a final decision

prettybird · 28/11/2008 12:11

We never had stair gates - and have tow sets up stair: wide stairs from the entrance hallway up to the "living floor" and narrower turning stair case up to the attice floor.

Ds (now 8) never once fell down them. We "coached" him to climb/go dwon them safely and he was always careful around them.

We followed my best freind's approach, he never used stari gates for her 4 kids (incdluding the youngst who has psecial needs and a mild physical disability).

Interstingly, of her family, it was only her dister's kids who ever fell down stairs (at a ski chalet) - as she was paranoid about satir gates and her kids weren't sued to stairs.

With respect to your parents: tell them "Your kids, your choices". It's up to you to decide if you want stairgates - tell them that you are confortable with your deicsion.

mm22bys · 28/11/2008 12:11

YANBU, you know your child, and your house, best.
Don't let them bully you!

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 28/11/2008 12:11

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mamadiva · 28/11/2008 12:11

DS is 2.5YO never had stair gates, my twin sisters 3YO always had stair gates, as a result they are forever falling down (the bottom 2) steps or struggling to get up them and panic at the top whereas my DS confidently walks up and down the stairs and we are normally with him and eventually the novelty wears off anyway.

YANBU. However did people survive before these things were invented? Perhaps supervision... not aimed at you just a general comment

ChippyMinton · 28/11/2008 12:12

YANBU. I had them because my DC are so close in age it was impossible to keep an eye on them all. Also had one across the kitchen to keep them out. But we moved house when the youngest was 16 months and didn't bother in the new house because it was too awkward to fit them. She could get up and down the stairsby herself, and we made it very clear that the stairs were to be treated with respect. When friends visit, we keep the doors shut to contain any toddlers.

Original poster
LittleOneMum · 28/11/2008 12:12

DS is 14 months.

OP posts:
LuLuBai · 28/11/2008 12:13

I would be really infuriated by the PIL myself. It infers that they don't think you are taking proper care of your child, so I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

That said, I put off getting stairgates for ages myself as I figured DD should learn to go up and down stairs safely herself, and that I would always be watching her anyway so reckoned I didn't need them.

Of course she fell right down a whole flight, gave me the fright of my life and now I have stairgates. I am a total convert. I can feel much more relaxed, knowing that she is safe and at 5 months pregnant I don't have to cart her up or down the stairs with me every time I nip to the loo (every 2.5 mins at the moment). There are loads on the market and you don't have to get those horrid tripping hazard ones.

Acinonyx · 28/11/2008 12:15

Completely up to you. They were the one thing I did want. I've heard that falling down stairs is top of the list for hospital admissions of toddlers (but can't now remember where - perhpas someone else knows better?). Doesn't mean stairgates are the answer - just to take care.

They were also helpful in stopping gaggles of toddlers looting and pillaging upstairs.

claw3 · 28/11/2008 12:17

Little - Some for and some against, at the end of the day its your decision. Politely tell in laws you wouldnt like to accept the gates as you wont be using them.

Original poster
LittleOneMum · 28/11/2008 12:18

All these answers are mega helpful. I think it's true that upstairs it would be nice sometimes to let DS wander around from his bedroom to ours to the bathroom without always running around, and I can certainly see that if I got pg again that would be a major benefit!

Might get them to put them up and see how I feel about them. can always leave them open...!

OP posts:
rubyslippersisappearinginpanto · 28/11/2008 12:19

never had stairgates and never child proofed anything

DS is in one piece