Not to want stair gates?

[LittleOneMum]

I live in a house with stairs. Having discussed the matter at length with DH we decided not to get stairgates for DS. Instead, we keep a careful eye, we ensure doors to the hall are closed, etc. We have also taught him to climb safely and bum shuffle down.
However, my PIL arrived last night with stair gates to install (they are staying with us for the weekend). We had explained before that we were not getting them. As they lifted them out of the car, they said 'We just thought it was safer!', by which I think they mean 'we don't like your choices and think your decision is an unsafe one'.

PLEASE tell me whether you think our approach to stair gates is unreasonable. My PIL are generally very lovely so I am a bit worried that I am being stupid and putting DS at risk if I don't agree that they can put them up. So far I've said nothing...

And one of the most terrifying things I ever say was my son at 18m climbing over the top of a stairgate at the top of my friends' stairs when it accidentally swung shut. Now that was dangerous.

I wasn't going to have a stairgate but my Dad bought one for us and begged us to fit it. He was a paramedic and during his career picked up two children who had fallen down the stairs and both died. This was in a very small mining community though with terraced houses and extremely steep stairs that curved at the bottom so they hit the wall at the bottom. They were both around 12 months. Because of this I let him fit it but have also worked hard to teach dd how to use the stairs properly. She can open it/climb over it now anyway so it's not that useful.

You're obviously not being unreasonable though. Your child, your choice. I wouldn't have one if it weren't for my Dad.

We have one at the top - allows dd to wander while I shower. But - it doesn't have a bar across the bottom, and now I do leave it open more often, and tell her that it's open - she's pretty good about it. Some children are more reckless/clumsy/easily distracted than others - dd tried to put a hat on this morning, walking halfway down the stairs... She has fallen down once, and it wasn't pleasant.

That said, I would be annoyed at your PILs - it is a decision you've thought through carefully, and it's yours to make.

My friend moved to a house with stairs and bought stairgates, but before she had the chance to install them her 2yo fell the length of them, dislocated her hip and spent a week in traction in hospital.

My friend felt awful about it - and those were short, carpeted stairs.

Another angle I though of was that although it does sound as if you only have one child, you will no doubt be visited by many more at times. I just can't help thinking better safe than sorry but agree that the choice should be yours and not anybody else's.

Uuurgh Showofhands those sound exactly like my stairs - steep, steep, steep with a curve at the bottom.

Our first house with a shuffling/crawling ds 1 had a weird curve at the bottom so no stairgate would fit. We had no opition as it was rented so couldn;t alter the stairs in anyway.

We taught ds to go up and down the stairs and he did. We just kept a very close eye. We couldn't fit cupbaord locks either and just told him no.

When we moved to our current house we have 3 floors and ds's room was above ours so we put a stairgate on his bedroom door. He moved his bedside cabinet over to the gate and climbed over. We removed it and then he worked out how to open it lifting it from underneath.

I don't think they are the be all an end all for all families. Our living room is on the middle floor so we have the issue of other children coming round (and ds 2 when he decides to start crawling) we just shut the door.

LuLuBai, our stairs are the same. It's an old cottage and there's a door at the bottom of the stairs and it curves for the first four steps and then is extremely steep. If dd fell, she would fall fast and stop suddenly by hitting the wall and the door. I used to hate carrying her down them in case I fell. In fact, I have fallen down them once.

Well it's your house so no yanbu but I wouldn't do without stairgates. Partly because we have stairs that go round 180 degrees so have a lot of wedge shaped stairs very narrow at one end that makes it tricky. Partly because my youngest is a daredevil and likes to go up and down as fast as he can. He also likes to try and walk down forwards like everyone else instead of coming down safely on his bum or tummy. He is perfectly capable of coming down safely he just chooses not to! It's impossible for me to watch him 100% of the time. He's been able to open doors for months so no chance of keeping him shut in a room with me while I'm busy. I can't spend my life running (and it would be running) round after him all the time to make sure he is safe. We have the screw into the wall gates so no trip hazard.

I have one top and bottom. Often get told off for not using them enough by my husband though!

In the end as he always sayd to me when I say I'm keeping an eye on him etc, it only takes one fall to break a neck.
So if you change your mind I really recommend these (could not have the step over ones, I'm so clumsy I'd break MY neck!): www.bloomingmarvellous.co.uk/product.aspx?CategoryID=n-safe-sound&ProductID=5482_6648&language=en-GB

Although I got mine cheaper one on ebay.

Visiting parents really appreciate you being baby/toddler safe too IME.

We have one at the top of the stairs. We live in a house similar to SOH described - terrace with very steep stairs.

DD has fallen down the stairs once - when I was in a rush and forgot to shut the stairgate

It was horrible - the sound of her falling and then silence for a few seconds before she screamed was dreadful, I never want to hear that again. She was fine apart from a couple of bumps and a nose bleed.

I still nearly rang 999 though Feel so bad for that still. DD can come downstairs on her own now but she is still very clumsy and so I always stand behind her in case she slips.

We have one at the top of the stairs. We live in a house similar to SOH described - terrace with very steep stairs.

DD has fallen down the stairs once - when I was in a rush and forgot to shut the stairgate

It was horrible - the sound of her falling and then silence for a few seconds before she screamed was dreadful, I never want to hear that again. She was fine apart from a couple of bumps and a nose bleed.

I still nearly rang 999 though Feel so bad for that still. DD can come downstairs on her own now but she is still very clumsy and so I always stand behind her in case she slips.

personaly i,d have them just to feel safter

Oh Patty, I know that awful sickening feeling

happened in a little cottage on hols in Cornwall (with no gates), my son hit the stone floor and waiting for the noise was agony. He was being guided by my husband but still slipped. For shame I couldn't move, probably cos my husband was picking him up already but I just couldn't look, I was so afraid he was broken! Luckily he was fine.

My house is also terraced with steep stairs, my 2 year old has had no mishaps so far, but I've fallen down them myself. Not pleasant at all!

YANBU to not want stair gates, but YABU to not fully appreciate the concern of your PIL IMHO.

My parents are a lot more concerned about things concerning ds than I am, for example, they sweep him up everytime he falls over, wher I'd leave him unless he makes a fuss.
I babysat for a friend who doesn't use monitors for her 5 month old, I wasn't comfortable with it, so I took mine.

Personally, if a stairgate would help my parents or in-laws relax a bit more in my house, putting them up when they're round isn't too bad is it?

I wouldn't comprimise on everything by the way

OK, so have put the stairgates up. Have decided that it is an inconvenience and a bit annoying of PIL, but hey - I'd rather DS did not become a statistic. Thanks for all your messages. xx