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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want stair gates?

65 replies

LittleOneMum · 28/11/2008 12:00

I live in a house with stairs. Having discussed the matter at length with DH we decided not to get stairgates for DS. Instead, we keep a careful eye, we ensure doors to the hall are closed, etc. We have also taught him to climb safely and bum shuffle down.
However, my PIL arrived last night with stair gates to install (they are staying with us for the weekend). We had explained before that we were not getting them. As they lifted them out of the car, they said 'We just thought it was safer!', by which I think they mean 'we don't like your choices and think your decision is an unsafe one'.

PLEASE tell me whether you think our approach to stair gates is unreasonable. My PIL are generally very lovely so I am a bit worried that I am being stupid and putting DS at risk if I don't agree that they can put them up. So far I've said nothing...

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 28/11/2008 12:24

A friend of mine has a 5 story house and 3 under the age of 4 - no stair gates. They all shuffle up and down the stairs quite happily. It scares me, but no accidents.

We have one at the bottom of the stairs - mainly to stop the dogs going upstairs...

claw3 · 28/11/2008 12:26

Little - Im sure everyone with have a good/bad experience to tell. Around 20 children are admitted to hospital every day from falling down stairs. Admittedly it doesnt tell you whether these were on stairs that had safety gates fitted or not, but i would assume not.

LuLuBai · 28/11/2008 12:27

You also have to make a judgement call about your own child. Some are careful little souls who tread cautiously in perilous territory. Others are climbing, rampaging, fearless creatures. I've got one of the latter. She could shimmy up a ladder before she could walk and is usually standing roaring on the dining table by the time I serve her breakfast in the morning.

Stairgates help keep me sane.

But I think you need to somehow tactfully make it clear to your PIL that these judgements should be yours to make or they are going to really wind you up in the future.

travellingwilbury · 28/11/2008 12:27

We never had stairgates either , not on the stairs anyway , I did have one on the kitchen doorway .

If they are normally lovely then I would try and bite my lip and maybe they are thinking more about themselves not being able to watch the little one as well as you do and so they would feel better about them being there while they are ?

Maybe ?

cheeset · 28/11/2008 12:37

PIL were just being nice/helpful. I used stair gates. IMO, why take a risk?.

Acinonyx · 28/11/2008 12:39

I found it handy in the morning while I was getting showered etc - I could coral dd upstairs without wondering where she had got to.

blueshoes · 28/11/2008 12:50

LittleOneMum, are your stairs and bottom of the stairs carpetted? I have very steep stairs in my house - even adults find them somewhat precarious.

We put up stairgates for dd but by the time ds came along, we could not bear them for more than a few months and took them down again.

Ds was an early crawler and climber and was up those stairs way before 1. We taught him to go up and down the stairs and watched him as he did it. He never plays on his own so that is easy in terms of supervising his stair activity. A few spills - he once plunged head first from the top to the stairs to the bottom when my attention was turned. I think he overbalanced. Cried his eyes out but was fine. And he never fell again.

My dcs are not wild and reckless sort though. They do test their physical limits and push it just that bit more but not a whole lot more. So they are learning the physics of the world in relation to their bodies all the time.

Chirpygirl · 28/11/2008 12:50

We have stairgate at the top of stairs so I can shower while DD's are playing in the morning.
I do have one into my kitchen but now I have reorganised my kitchen so it is safer it is open most of the time.

EyeballsintheSky · 28/11/2008 12:52

I was not keen on stairgates until DD who was 8mo at the time, disappeared in the blink of an eye and before I even got up to follow her, she came tumbling down about half a dozen steps on her back. Had never been near them until then. Stair gate in place now.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 28/11/2008 13:08

I'm pretty relaxed...but did have stair gates. took them down when DS2 was about 19?? months because we were never shutting them. It is that short period 9 months to roughly 18 when you do really need them unless you are 100% vigilant. I too know someone who had them up when DD was amost 5...but she is pretty extreme in every way.

Anther friend said she'd never need them and DS would soon learn...well after a couple of major falls, she changed her mind!

your choice, but if you've got them, why not use them?

christywhisty · 28/11/2008 13:11

Eyeballs my DD did the same thing, she screamed for 5 minutes , then went silent and starry eyed from shock, so we took her to a&e to be checked over, thankfully she was okay.

I'd rather be safe than sorry.

You can't keep an eye on them every single minute so YUBU

prettybird · 28/11/2008 13:14

Maybe it helped that ds didn't learnt to crawl until he was 12 months old or walk until he was c. 18 months old. And for the period between when he was cruising and when we were confident that he was "safe" on stairs (from around 12 months to 14 months - he learnt tclimb staris at 13 months) we barricaded the stairs with a blanket box so he couldn't get to them (easy for us to push it out the way)

HandbagAddiction · 28/11/2008 13:15

I have a five year old and 2.5 year old and will admit to having a stair gate at the tope of the stairs BUT this is only ever shut at nighttime. Both children are often up and wandering at night - either to go to the loo or to come into us and being sleepy are often a bit wobbily on their feet. The route to the loo is directly across the top of the starirs, so once false 'sleepy' move would effectively send them flying.....

babylovesmilk · 28/11/2008 13:24

I would defintley have one at the top of the stairs, as a tumble from top to bottom can be serious and when DC is older they could fall down when going to the toilet at night if sleepy. But other wise I son't think having stairgates is a neccesity unless you do!

Heated · 28/11/2008 13:26

We still have a stair-gate at the top of the stairs for dcs who are 4.5 and 2.5 in case they take a wrong turn in the night, there is a hard tiles floor at the bottom. I admit too this is the one area we are overly cautious about due to family history; before he was born dh's older sibling fell down stairs & broke his neck so I am sympathetic to my ILs worries about this.

mrspnut · 28/11/2008 13:30

I have never had a stair gate on the stairs, and we only have one on DD2's bedroom door to keep her in there when she doesn't want to go to sleep.

We had one on the kitchen door for a short while but she's stopped wanting to take everything out of every cupboard now and instead is determined to stand on the work top and get the biscuits down from the box on top of the high cupboard.

chunkychips · 28/11/2008 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/11/2008 13:40

a stairgate at the top is always a good idea imo, as is one at the bottom

took ours down when no 2 was capable of going up and down safely

we have one at the moment for the dog, and the time the dog KNOWS he isnt allowed upstairs, then no 3 will be crawling

but in your case,it does seem a bit cheeky for you relatives to bring their own gates- though maybe if they didnt they would have been stressed all the time

did you allow them to put them up?

2HotCrossBunnies · 28/11/2008 13:42

Like many others we have never had stair gates either. Personally I think they are more dangerous - I have seen friend's toddlers swinging on them and it just seems an accident waiting to happen! Plus kids with stair gates are much less aware of stairs generally and how to be safe imo (limited!)
We have 2 DSs - 3 and 19 months - and 3 flights of stairs (4 incl cellar). The older 1 has rolled down the stairs once and younger one never and he was safely going up and down well before he could walk.
If I need to get on with something I just shut the door of the room we're in, usually the kitchen.

dsrplus8 · 28/11/2008 13:44

ive got two stairgates, one across kitchen doorway and one in hall halfway down, near the stairs but not at them. i NEED them ,have twins.didnt bother with them for my first two kids , got one at number 3,too many kids ...not enough mummy to be everywhere at once

llareggub · 28/11/2008 13:49

Our house is open plan downstairs so it would be impossible to do without stairgates. We have them at the top and bottom of the stairs.

DS is incredibly proficient at using them, I can't imagine how the stairgates would prevent him from becoming used to stairs at all.

Ours aren't a trip hazard at all. They swing open like a stable door, and attach to the wall. There's nothing to trip over.

DS does sleep walk so although he would be fine without the gates I would worry about him falling down the stairs in his sleep, as I did as a toddler.

Incidentally, I know of 2 terrible stair related incidents recently. One was fatal (but a 37 year old man) and another resulted in a toddler fracturing his leg very badly. His mother didn't believe in stair gates either.

Still, it is up to you and your PIL are being unreasonable. I think you should reconsider however.

prettybird · 28/11/2008 13:57

If you have a sleep walker, I'd denfintely get a stair gate!

TheProvincialLady · 28/11/2008 14:07

Your PIL are behaving unreasonably - your child, your house, your rules, your responsibility.

Havng said that, there is no way I would be without gates at the top and bottom of our stairs (very steep and ends with a brick floor). I would be concerned even if they weren't so dangerous. But it is your choice and it's not like you have just thought 'oh sod it, I don't care if DS falls down the stairs' is it?

OrmIrian · 28/11/2008 14:11

We had them at the top of the stairs for use at night when the children were a bit older. I had visions of sleepy toddlers going for a burton when they got up for a wee.

But no, we didn't use them when ours were very small. They learned to move up and down stairs safely very soon.

Oddly enough 2 of my DS#1's trips to A&E involved the stairgate at my parents house.

TheBlonde · 28/11/2008 14:11

YANBU - your house your choice

BouncingTurtle what do RoSPA suggest you do at the top of stairs then? I couldn't find anything on their website