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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about this..alchohol+drinking too much...

80 replies

Janos · 14/09/2008 21:44

Genuine AIBU.

Just got off the phone to my boyfriend/DP/whatever (DP for short).

I'm away...big family birthday.

He told me last night, he sat and drank the equivalent of 10 pints of beer last night, on his own.

I was really shocked and thought it was way too much and said so.

Is this normal or what? It has just really bothered me.

Please be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 14/09/2008 21:45

I would like to emphasise I am not some tedious no fun killjoy. Some people might think so but really, I'm not. I promise.

I was quite upset.

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 14/09/2008 21:45

Does he do this often?

onepieceoflollipop · 14/09/2008 21:45

Janos we need more info. Was this a one off or does he do it x number of times per week?

What was his response when you told him you thought it was too much?

Have you any other concerns about his alcohol consumption/drinking patterns?

mamazee · 14/09/2008 21:45

its not normal but i wonder why he told you ? at least he is not hiding it from you

avenanap · 14/09/2008 21:46

That's alot. Doesn he do this all the time?

controlfreakinfreaky · 14/09/2008 21:46

do you drink a lot when together?

StealthPolarBear · 14/09/2008 21:49

Did he tell you in an "I added it up and couldn't believe how much it was" way?

mawbroon · 14/09/2008 21:49

Quite normal in this neck of the woods. BUT just because many people are doing it, doesn't make it ok.

As a one off then not ideal, but not the end of the world. But if it's regular, then it is waaaay too much.

Original poster
Janos · 14/09/2008 21:50

No we don't drink a lot together..I'm not a big drinker at all. 3 pints is about my limit!

He doesn't drink that much around me.

He's done this before a few times. I was just shocked by how much this time. Has said to me before that one he starts he can't stop..and the doing it on his own.

His response was 'I don't do it in front of you' and also that he felt lonely (we spend most weekends together).

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 14/09/2008 21:51

Feel a bit rotten cause I said I was upset and didn't want to keep talking to him.

Really..am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 14/09/2008 21:52

I would say he does this at least once a week.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 14/09/2008 21:56

This would worry me, but my personal experience may be clouding my judgment. My exp used to drink about 10 pints in the pub "once a week". Once I had been with him a few months this really translated to 3-4 times a week, plus other alcohol fuelled evenings.

People that drink a lot sometimes underestimate the frequency or amounts. Apologies if this is irrelevant to your situation, but I would guess you have a niggly feeling yourself that it isn't right.

zippitippitoes · 14/09/2008 22:00

i thinkl 10 pints at home is alot

but if you said two bottles of wine

and it was occasional
still too much

but would depend

is he just saying he misses you

Original poster
Janos · 14/09/2008 22:00

I do have a niggly feeling that it's not right.

What's bothering me is not so much that he drinks but that he does it on his own..and that he can't stop once he starts.

I know it's hardly the end of the world this bit..he was asleep for 15 hours after drinking.

What bothers me is...if he is like this now..it could just get a whole lot worse.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 14/09/2008 22:02

Janos what you said in your last sentence is what would worry me too.

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Janos · 14/09/2008 22:02

I think he is genuinely missing me. I missed him a lot too. He doesn't do this when we are together.

But it is bothering me. Just wanted to sound things out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 14/09/2008 22:03

8 months, onepieceoflollipop.

he said to me 'I'm never drinking again'. He has said this before.

OP posts:
mamazee · 14/09/2008 22:04

janos...10 pints ALONE is alot.
you are totally not overreacting. i think you know its not good ? i still ask why he told you ? he could easily have got away with not telling you ?
maybe i am seeing something that isn't there

LittleBella · 14/09/2008 22:05

The definition of a binge for a man is more than 8 units at a go.

So it's a binge.

If you feel an uneasy niggliness about his drinking, you're probably right to. Listen to your hunch, it's probably right.

Original poster
Janos · 14/09/2008 22:05

Must go..I'm on my mum's PC (in her room) and she needs to go to bed! Will have a look back later. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 14/09/2008 22:07

Yes the fact he told you is puzzling...

is he kind of telling you he has a problem and he actually wants to talk about it.

or

is he kind of making the point that he had 10 pints and he thinks that is fine and hence has no need to cover it up?

Difficult to say Janos without knowing you or him. What I would say though is don't ignore your gut instincts. Our feelings and instincts (imo)are based on us picking up non-verbal information. So he might be lying/uncomfortable and subconsciously you pick up on the signs without being able to identify why.

Could you ask anyone in rl if there is anyone that knows you and him.

LobstersLass · 14/09/2008 22:37

It's the same as 2 bottles of wine. I don't see a massive problem with that on a Saturday night.

I might mention it in passing to my dh in conversation, but not to get a reaction - just for information.

If it's happening often then yes it's a problem.

BEAUTlFUL · 14/09/2008 22:43

"the equivalent of"? Was it not in pint-measures? Was he drinking out of a keg? Home-brew? Hmmmroo?

Do you think he was hurt that he wasn't invited to your family birthday party, and this was a rather over-dramatic cry for attention, type thing?

That would seem a bit worrying... What will he do next time you do something that hurts him... "Don't you dare turn the channel over to X Factor. Look, I'm taking the Meths out of the cupboard... Watch, I'm opening it... I will do this, I really will..." etc

nooka · 14/09/2008 23:02

The key point is that he drank a huge amount of alcohol on his own. It's the on his own bit that would worry me. LobsetersLass would you really drink two bottles of wine all by yourself? dh and I went out for a meal and had two bottles of wine between us (they had a very good wine list) and I felt very very unwell. If he was drinking because he was lonely then that implies a bad relationship with alcohol, and that would worry me very much indeed (dh's mum had drinking problems and it caused serious problems for them as a family). The facts that he told you abut it, that he has previously said that once he starts he can't stop, that it happens so often and that he has also said he wants to stop suggests that he knows he has a problem. Can you talk to him about getting help?

LobstersLass · 14/09/2008 23:16

Yes nooka. Not routinely I hasten to add!
But say on a Saturday, if I opened one at 3ish, I can contemplate that I'd have made my way through two bottles by bedtime.

I don't see that as a problem.

If however I drank a bottle in an hour I'd be hammered. It's the timespan over which the consumption occurs that makes the difference in my book.

I realise that it's considered binge drinking however I still don't see it as a problem every once in a while.