To be concerned about this..alchohol+drinking too much...

[Janos]

Genuine AIBU.

Just got off the phone to my boyfriend/DP/whatever (DP for short).

I'm away...big family birthday.

He told me last night, he sat and drank the equivalent of 10 pints of beer last night, on his own.

I was really shocked and thought it was way too much and said so.

Is this normal or what? It has just really bothered me.

Please be honest.

[mayorquimby]

"The definition of a binge for a man is more than 8 units at a go.

So it's a binge. "

yes but in fairness that would make any persons normal night out a "binge" as that equates to about 4 pints or somethin.

as for the drinking alone thing i wouldn't worry too much about if it only happens once in a blue moon.
i'd say i had roughly the same on my own last night. the reasons being i had a pint with my football team after my match. came home and watched the football/played xbox and drank for the night. my oh is away, it was lashing rain so i wasn't going out and i enjoyed having the house to myself to watch match of the day and play computer games.
i honestly don't think i have a problem and the last time this happened was probably 2/3 months ago. so i'd find out if he actually has a problem before i'd start any interventions. but you are right to look out for his well being.

[llareggub]

Hmm.

I think the warning signs are there. It's easy to say that that level is drinking is OK once in a while, but frankly that level of consumption IS a binge.

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and obviously having been through the nightmare of detox and recovery I have read a lot of stuff relating to alcoholism/dependency.

He may not be an alcoholic, but he may be displaying signs of alcohol dependency, perhaps. Things like "I'm never drinking again" and blacking-out, and binging, are all bad signs. Just because others drink the same amount doesn't make it OK or safe.

Trouble is, so much of our society revolves around alcohol. If you don't drink you are seen as weird or a kill-joy. Trust me, I know!

I'm not saying he has issues with alcohol, I don't think you've posted enough to be able to say with any certainty. But 10 pints is a worrying amount, I'd say.

[nooka]

On your own though? I think of drinking as a social activity, so I can't really imagine doing it on my own to be honest. My dh will crack open a beer of an evening (both with me and on his own), but not ten of them! My mother in law routinely drank large bottles of wine on her own - never offered a glass to anyone else, just steadily got drunker and drunker on her own. She was not a happy person and she had a serious alcohol problem. It was very sad to see. She died aged 50, and her family always wonder if the drinking was a factor. My step niece died of liver failure (she had sickle cell, and got a very bad infection). Her ward was full of sad people dying because of their alcoholism. They loved my niece because she talked to them and they had no visitors.

[nappyaddict]

If it was a social thing i wouldn't think it was too big a deal but drinking that much on his own is a worry.

[thumbwitch]

I have some sympathy with you on this - my DH went out to his works bash on Friday, I didn't go because we haven't worked out how to leave DS yet as he is still bfing and the bash was a boat trip that I wouldn't be able to get off midway if anything went haywire at home.
ANYway - DH promised faithfully that he wouldn't get too bladdered as a) he didn't want to runi Saturday with a hangover; b) he didn't want to get it in the neck from me all weekend and c) he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of work colleagues.

So - he came home at 00:30 (they all got a bus home so that was the time he was due back). He tried to get up the stairs but fell on the first step so gave up and spent the next hour heaving and retching in the downstairs loo. Then there was a period of stentorian snoring as he had fallen asleep on the dining room floor. Eventually he made his way up to the spare room at 4am.

Next day he was rancidly hungover and has now said that he won't go to any function again unless I go too because he clearly cannot control himself. We worked out that he last did this at Wimbledon when he went with 2 of his mates; and the time before that was a stag do, and before that was the baby head-wetting tradition. So he does it about every 3 months, which isn't a lot BUT every time he does it he swears he won't do it again and he will cut down on his drinking - so he stops for a few days, then goes back to 1 glass of wine in the eves with dinner, then it goes back up to 2 glasses, and then it hits the "finish the bottle" level (I usually have one glass).

I am concerned he is bordering on becoming a type of alcoholic - the type that cannot stop themselves once they start. He says he is concerned too but whenever I try to help him he just gets grumpy about it and tells me to stop nagging. So, like you, I don't really know what to do about it but do also find it upsetting.

Not much help, but a bit of solidarity and empathy.

[thumbwitch]

oh yes - forgot to mention that he threw up on the bus on the way home, fell off it when he got off and had to be helped up the street, so the embarrassment factor was there too!

[Janos]

Thanks all for your comments, sorry I had to rush off.

It's not to do with him being not invited to the party - although I know that he would be missing me. I was missing him a lot too as we spend most weekends together.

What is worrying me is that happens routinely (ie at least once a week) and he does it on his own. I asked why did you do it? He said 'Well I was lonely'.

I don't honestly think he is happy with it and doesn't like doing it. He has hinted at this and I think that's why he said it to me. My worry is that he is 'dependent' on it like llagerrub says (great name btw are you a Dylan Thomas Fan?) He never, ever drinks like this in front of me.

I do like to drink socially myself but not very much. Occaisionally I will have a glass of wine or a can of beer on my own but that's it.

[Janos]

You are right nappyaddict - it's not a social thing though, it's on his own, that's one of the things that worries me.

[Janos]

"every time he does it he swears he won't do it again and he will cut down on his drinking "

Yes, that sounds familiar thumbwitch. In fact much of what you say sounds familiar, unfortunately.

I am worried too that he may be heading towards alcoholism. That is a huge concern for me if I'm honest.

Thank for the solidarity, it's much appreciated

[nappyaddict]

8 cans isn't the same as 10 pints though is it? aren't cans only about 440ml or something where as a pint is 568ml?

[Janos]

What he actually drank was 20 of those 250 ml bottles (that's what he told me)which works out at 5 litres.

That's how I worked it out. Using a calculator I see that it's more like 9 pints than 10 pints.

He does think it's normal to drink a lot.

Hmm, lots to think about here. I do take your point HedgeWitch.

[Janos]

Although, he will drink everything that's there then go out to get more.

Well, I have told him I am concerned about it and will leave it at that. Don't know there is much else I can do really.

[nappyaddict]

yep it's 8.8 pints apparently.

8 440ml cans would be about 6 pints.

Janos - tbh i wouldn't start to worry if this only happens very occasionally. it is when it starts to become a regular thing you need to start worrying.

[Janos]

I have noticed that it is happening at least once a week.

It bothers me but I have told him my feelings. Don't think I can do much else really - he's an adult after all.

[nappyaddict]

just read that he does this once a week. if he is doing this every week on his own i think he does have a problem.

[mayorquimby]

yeah sorry could you just clarify, does he drink that much once a week alone, or just that much once a week sometimes alone sometimes with mates?

also does that mean that you get smaller cans in the UK than in Ireland?
all ours are 50cl

[Janos]

Yes he does it alone.

HedgeWitch, I do take on board what you are saying. I'm not a controlling person - I do know that you can't stop someone doing it if they don't want to!

I've looked at your list of points, thought about it honestly and it has started affecting his life (missing appts etc, forgetting about work because of lying in bed with a hangover). It's affected me, less so because he has arranged to come and see me and slept in (same reason).

He has indicated to me that he is not happy with it and that he doesn't like his behaviour when he is drunk (like this - drinking on his own I mean).

I can see this is going to come to crunch point.

He really is a lovely person and I have very strong feelings for him so we will have to talk about this and take it from there I think.

[nappyaddict]

Janos would he go to a counsellor about it?

[zippitippitoes]

was it that french beer then

if it is any consolation it sint very strong about 2.6

[Janos]

Sorry mayorquimny missed your post there. Yes, he drinks on his own.

Honestly if it was occaisional..I know people binge drink from time to time, done it myself!

It's more of a hinky feeling I'm getting really that something is not quite right and he is not happy with it. That possibly sounds a bit too 'flimsy' I guess. It's more instinct than anything else really. Yes, I know sometimes instinct is wrong.

[Janos]

I meant mayorquimby (sorry) - typing quickly.

Zippi it was strong enough to make him sleep for 15 hours and have a foul hangover when he woke up.

Aaargh I don't know.