To be concerned about this..alchohol+drinking too much...

[Janos]

Genuine AIBU.

Just got off the phone to my boyfriend/DP/whatever (DP for short).

I'm away...big family birthday.

He told me last night, he sat and drank the equivalent of 10 pints of beer last night, on his own.

I was really shocked and thought it was way too much and said so.

Is this normal or what? It has just really bothered me.

Please be honest.

[Janos]

I think talking is the way to go too.

Thank you everyone for offering some perspective.

It's more really that I am concerned about the feect it might be having on his health than some sort of killjoy 'don't have fun without me attitude'.

[Janos]

I mean effect.. typing all over the place today.

Thanks again.

[LittleBella]

"yes but in fairness that would make any persons normal night out a "binge" as that equates to about 4 pints or somethin".

Indeed MQ. We are a nation of binge drinkers and other Europeans look at us in amazement (especially when we go on holiday to their countries).

Just becuase it's normal, doesn't mean it's acceptable or good.

As for the idea that we're too quick to shout alcoholism, IMO we're not quick enough. The amount of denial we're in as a society about this problem, is astonishing. Ask any doctor who deals with addiction or with liver problems.

[AphroditeInHerNightie]

Hugs Janos

Have you considered talking to Al-Anon who are an support organisation for the families and friends of alcoholics?
If he does have an alcohol problem, the worse thing that you can do is tackle or attack him about this, because denial will be a part of it and will achieve nothing. If he has a problem he needs to face up to it himself or you risk becoming a focus of his anxiety.
Hopefully he's not too far down that slippery slope, but, if it is becoming an issue to anyone other than the drinker then the warning signs are there.
There is support out there if you need it.

[nooka]

I disagree HW, regular binge drinking is not good for you, and just because someone enjoys it doesn't mean it is necessarily a good thing. My dh smokes. He enjoys it, but it scares the hell out of me. I'm not going to leave him because of it (hey we've survived worse things) but of course I try to persuade him on a regular basis that he should do something about it. Alcohol is benign in small amounts, possibly even beneficial, but if your dp is becoming dependent on drink when he is lonely and drinking regularly to excess (20 bottles is a lot) then it is perfectly reasonable, and not at all controlling to be concerned.

I would be very concerned that if something difficult happened in your dp's life then he might turn to drink as the default comforter and get in real trouble. Getting advice from Al-Anon seems like a very sensible way ahead.

[zippitippitoes]

you dont actually live together yet do you janos?

i think it is a different thing if someone you are already living with than thinking whether you want to become serious with someone who regularly drinks too much

it would put me off someone i was in a newish relationship with just becasue i would reckon i still had the choice

[Janos]

Thank Aphrodite, I may well speak to them.

Part of the problem is he has been bought up in a culture where heavy drinking among men is normalised (like social group/peers).

Drinking to excess occaisionally I don't think is a problem. OK, it's not the best idea health wise but it does happen.

Thinking about it the main things that bother me are:-

• he does it on his own and not socially
  
• he says he can't control himself when he starts drinking
  
• he has indicated that he doesn't like the way he behaves when he drinks
  
• it is costing him a lot of money (he doesn't have a lot)
  
• he does it at least once a week (that I'm aware of)
  
  I'm making him sound like some horrible drunk, and he's honestly not. He is the kindest, intelligent, most thoughtful person I know.
  
  One thing I am concerned about (god I'm going on aren't I, sorry!)- I don't want to be the person who becomes responsible for 'controlling' how much he drinks.

[EffiePerine]

I'd worry. 20 bottles of beer is a lot. And yes, over 8 units is a lot too, even if it is normal for a night out (this is why we're bollocking up our health with cheap and shitty alcohol). But you're right in that you can't tell him not to drink, talk to him about it, say that you;re worried and why and ask HIM what he is going to do about it. Oh, and 'not drinking ever again' isn't a solution if it's obviously not going to happen!

[Janos]

No Zippi we don't live together. All that you say I have thought about.

[EffiePerine]

you sounds v clued up on the whole thing

def do NOT get into the habit of making sure he isn't drinking too much - his responsibility and not yours

the cultural thing is hard tho - all DH;s fmaily drink/smoke/whatever to excess (he quit smoking a couple of years ago and I was so impressed ). Or they go the other way and are completely teetoltal and sanctimonious. Neither of which is helpful.

[Janos]

Another thing that I am just recalling, he says he feels 'empty' and like there's something missing when he doesn't drink.
That worries me.

[zippitippitoes]

if i thought it was enough to start talking about alcoholism i would walk at this point

not saying it is though but if i thought so i wouldnt want to go there

[Janos]

I suppose at the end of the day my big (maybe, I hope unfounded) fear is that he cares more about drinking than about me.

If that's the case we really can't have a relationship

[Janos]

That is what I am thinking too Zippi. It's why it is concerning me so much and occupying my thoughts a lot right now

[zippitippitoes]

i doubt that is the case

it sounds like he gets bored and drinking fills the gap

only you really know how you feel about it

or was he saying look you went away and didnt see me this weekend and so i had to drink and its your fault

[nooka]

I think you have to remember that dependancy is an illness. I could think the same about dh and smoking - if he really loved me and the children he would stop. It's just not that simple. But it still might mean that the drinking could blight your relationship, and his life. Of course it might be something he will grow out of, but I too would worry.

[Janos]

At the end of the day I really have to talk to him about it and explain how I feel.

I think it is partly though boredom and being lonely he does it. He doesn't drink every day.

I don't think he is saying 'it's your (my) fault'.

Bottom line we have to talk about it.

One minute I'm thinking the worst then it's not that important. But it's better to discuss it I think than imagine all sorts.

[Janos]

Sorry lots of 'I's there sounded a big ego centric. This is all really helpful so thank you.

[Janni]

I would certainly be concerned about it. The hopeful thing here is that he told you - he didn't keep it secret. You need to have a proper discussion about this.

[Janos]

Thanks for your comments HedgeWitch, it's good to get a different opinion.

DP is from a similar background to what you describe and there is something of a heavy drinking culture there.

I agree that there is talking to be done, I don't want to jump to conclusions.

[llareggub]

I can hear what you are saying, TheHedgeWitch, but before DH told me he was an alcoholic I'd probably express similar views as you are here.

The thing is, Janos's DP has expressed to her that he isn't altogether happy with his alcohol intake, and, together with some of the other things she has said, there are several risk factors highlighted alcohol abuse/dependency, whatever you want to call it.

Pre DH and his problems, I thought alcoholics all drank vodka and hid the empty bottles in the toilet cistern. They don't. Some of them are very high functioning and hide their alcoholism very well. Others go to the pub every night and are very sociable, happy alcoholics. Others are perhaps more stereoptypical.

I'm sure my experiences have skewed my views on drinking, but I'll sum-up by saying that where you think there is a problem, then there probably is a problem.

I have a friend of a friend who was absolutely hammered at a friend's wedding. She sat next to me and could barely speak. Later she drove home, on the motorway, and was lucky enough to have only a minor car crash. Yet she still insists she doesn't have a problem with alcohol because she only drinks when she is out.

I'm not saying your DP is a alcoholic but I think you probably need to have the conversation with him.

[nooka]

I guess the question is whether Janos's dp would be happy to go for a week (or more) without drinking to excess. Because if he isn't then I think there is a dependancy going on. Possibly just a really bad habit, but still something to worry about.