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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at MIL.............

58 replies

jellybelly2007 · 15/08/2008 15:59

For saying, 'we'll see' when DS1 rang her to invite her to his birthday tea next tuesday as...............she has a bad leg?

Fair enough, she did have polio as a child, and needs an orthapedic shoe and caliper, but FFS, she only has to walk to the car in her driveway, then down our path (aided with stick and FIL) to get here. (FIL drives)

Its not like I'm asking her to join in the bloody conga!

Also, would I BU if I said, 'fair enough, dont come, but you wont be invited to DS2s 1st birthday next month?

All DS1 wants for his birthday tea, is his family to come and have some sarnies and cake.
BTW he will be 11.

OP posts:
hercules1 · 15/08/2008 16:02

You are bu. I expect if she's in pain one of the last things she wants to do is go to a childrens party.

beanieb · 15/08/2008 16:03

YABU.

We'll see is like saying Maybe. She isn't sure if she can come.

mumto2andnomore · 15/08/2008 16:04

She might be in a lot of pain and even walking that short distance could be too much for her.
Sounds like you have other issues or I dont think you would be being so harsh on the poor woman.

juuule · 15/08/2008 16:08

YABU. Have some compassion. As others have said she might be in a lot of pain.

Why not suggest that your ds1 goes round to their house and have the party tea there. Although if she's feeling a bit fragile she might not feel up to that either.

As for retaliating with the lack of invite to your ds2 birthday - don't be so petty.

OrmIrian · 15/08/2008 16:08

My parents have hardly ever been to my DC's parties. In fact only once out of 20 odd parties so far. Most elderly people's idea of hell on earth - noisy, tiring and chaotic. Let's face it, most adults don't enjoy them that much. They come for a slice of cake and the ceremonial opening of pressies on the day itself but not the party. If she is in pain as well there is even more excuse.

lollipopmother · 15/08/2008 16:13

Why would holding her ransom over DS2s birthday have any effect anyway, I don't expect she'll want to go to that one either will she?

more · 15/08/2008 16:22

Have you ever suffered from what she is suffering? Unless you have then you can't say whether she is in pain or not, or indeed how she might feel in general. She could have probably phrased it better but I don't think she was in any way rude.
Just phone the night before and ask whether she will be joining you or if it will just be grandad coming.

Dropdeadfred · 15/08/2008 16:23

wow..you'd tell her to stay away from the other bday party is she doesn't come to this one??!?!?!?

Instead of seething why not ring and kindly ask her how she is and if she thinks she will be up to coming to the party?

MadameCastafiore · 15/08/2008 16:24

YABU - I hope she does come though and hits you with one of her sticks!

blueskythinker · 15/08/2008 16:49

My Mum is really sufering from pain at the moment - just walking from the front door to the car makes her vomit.

If your MIL is a lot of pain, remember it is not just getting there - she will have to wash / dress etc - not an everyday occurrence for some people if they are in such pain.

Janni · 15/08/2008 17:31

YABU

'Fair enough she did have polio as a child' - give the poor woman a break!

You'd be full of sympathy if she didn't come with the dreaded MIL tag.

SpookyMadMummy · 15/08/2008 17:39

Don't be so petty as to not invite her for tit for tat.

As far as her illness goes, she must have good days and bad. Leg callipers must cause her some pain! Sometimes even getting in and out of a car can be difficult for people who have prolonged pain. YABU.

Weegle · 15/08/2008 17:44

I've been in so much pain before now that I passed out between the front door and the car - pretty scary. Perhaps she's aware of her limitations and therefore will make a decision appropriate to how she feels on the day. YABU.

notcitrus · 15/08/2008 18:05

Unless there's some huge history with your MIL you aren't telling us, YABU and to the second one, YAB totally U!

She sounds like she's hoping to make it but doesn't want to get DS1's hopes up in case she's not well enough on the day.

mumeeee · 15/08/2008 18:11

I agree with everyone. YABU and she might be in pain.

Janni · 15/08/2008 18:17

I'm almost wondering whether this isn't a rather clever wind-up thread??

Minkychunky · 15/08/2008 18:20

Polio is that all? God she is a wimpy bleeder isn't she. It's the end of civilisation as we know it- we'll be drinking stale old donkey peepee from rusty hub caps soon I tell you all.

Bless the old people.

herbietea · 15/08/2008 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RubySlippers · 15/08/2008 18:30

YABU

i hope it is a wind up

because I would be horrified if someone was so lacking in compassion for someone who has a chronic, painful condition

and who would then deny a grandmother seeing her other grandson at his party

G2B · 15/08/2008 18:44

I think maybe you could take the kids to her for an hour before hand so that she gets to see him without hurting herself, and he gets to see her so he won't be upset. You could maybe take his birthdy cake and do that bit there so she doesn't miss out.

You could do the same with your other DC so that it's fair.

pamelat · 15/08/2008 19:35

I think it would be unreasonable to not let her to come to the 1st bday party but I suspect that you have only said that flippantly?

I don't think its unreasonable (sorry everyone else!) to expect her to come to the 12th bday party. I am very sorry that she is in pain but I cant see that coming would make it worse - maybe she could not stay as long or at least have offered to have a separate bday celebration alone with DS1.
With a 1 year old sibling he may be feeling in need of more grand parent attn anyway? Who knows - can only offer how I would feel.
If she were in hospital or unable to function in day to day life (like my grandma at the moment) then thats different but my very poorly nana would still offer to celebrate my bday separately with me (and I'm 30!)x

fledtoscotland · 15/08/2008 19:39

going against what everyone else has said, YANBU. she shouldnt have said that to DS. if she wasnt sure she should just say that she would love to but it will depend on how sore she is on the day.

at 11 he will understand that she isnt well!

juuule · 15/08/2008 19:40

Pamelat "I am very sorry that she is in pain but I cant see that coming would make it worse"

How could you possibly know how bad the pain is, whether it would be made worse and how difficult she finds it to deal with? Surely only she could be the judge of that.

juuule · 15/08/2008 19:42

FledtoScotland Isn't that what the "We'll see" meant? As you say if the 11yo understands that she's having trouble with her leg then he probably understood that she would come if she felt able.

potoftea · 15/08/2008 19:47

YABU
If she's in pain then maybe she doesn't sleep well some nights. If she's had no sleep and is in pain she may not be able to make it, but if she's rested she may struggle on.
Your ds is old enough to understand that too.