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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at MIL.............

58 replies

jellybelly2007 · 15/08/2008 15:59

For saying, 'we'll see' when DS1 rang her to invite her to his birthday tea next tuesday as...............she has a bad leg?

Fair enough, she did have polio as a child, and needs an orthapedic shoe and caliper, but FFS, she only has to walk to the car in her driveway, then down our path (aided with stick and FIL) to get here. (FIL drives)

Its not like I'm asking her to join in the bloody conga!

Also, would I BU if I said, 'fair enough, dont come, but you wont be invited to DS2s 1st birthday next month?

All DS1 wants for his birthday tea, is his family to come and have some sarnies and cake.
BTW he will be 11.

OP posts:
pamelat · 15/08/2008 19:49

In my experience (and i have said that I can only speak for my own experience) grandparents/aunties/uncles etc need to spend a bit more time thinking of the impact of what they say.

My DD is only 7 months but I would be horrified if my parents or in laws put things before her bday. Have been accused many times on here of being "precious first born" and am happy to accept that and admit that I am being.

I can only offer my perspective. My feeling is that it could have at least been re phrased, with maybe a promise of an alternative celebration at a more suitable time/place etc.

At 11 years old (in my dim and distant past) bdays were everything to me and my grandparents being there was very important to me.

More importantly was does DS think to it? Is he upset/dissapointed. In a few more years he wont be wanting adults at his parties anyway!

fledtoscotland · 15/08/2008 19:49

juule - there is a big difference IMHO between "we'll see" and explaining to an 11yo that she would love to come but it depends on how much pain she is on the day.

"we'll see" does not imply that she actually wants to attend the tea. plus am sure she would be able to put up with the discomfort for a couple of hours if she really wanted to (am waiting to be shot down for the assumption that she would be able to grin and bear it for sake of her grandchild)

juuule · 15/08/2008 19:54

Pamelat - "I would be horrified if my parents or in laws put things before her bday"
It's not as if she's putting some 'jolly' before her gc birthday. I think it's awful that some people would put a bday before any sympathy for another person's pain. You don't know how much she might be struggling with and it sounds as though you don't really care.

juuule · 15/08/2008 19:56

FledtoScot - Maybe she felt she didn't want to moan on to an 11yo about her leg and pain etc. So a "we'll see" for him and an explanation for his mum in the hope that mum could phrase it better.

fledtoscotland · 15/08/2008 19:58

i hope you're right juule but i still feel that "we'll see" is a bit of a cop out.

Janni · 15/08/2008 20:28

But she might not be up to date on current parenting manuals outlining the approved way to speak to an 11 year old so that his self-esteem is not irreparably damaged. She might have found it a bit hard to limp to the bookshops and get hold of them.

True, she could have logged on to Amazon, but there you go. Mothers in law, eh?

more · 15/08/2008 20:32

Remember we all handle pain in different ways. Some women manage with gas & air some with morphin, some with nothing and some need an epidural whilst giving birth. Who actually really cares. If someone says they are in pain, then believe them even if if you think you could handle it much better.

Only granma and grandson knows exactly what was said during that conversation. We only know of the one sentence.

Is the main issue here not that the birthday child would like his grandparent to be a part of his birthday, and can this not be sorted in some other way even if she can't manage to get to the main party?

You could all arrange to go see her the day after with some left over birthday cake.

ScottishMummy · 15/08/2008 20:32

JB are you serious?so after citing her many physical impediment's you have a ago at her.grow up

AbbeyA · 15/08/2008 20:35

Saying 'we'll see to a child' is preferable than making a promise that you might break.

Reginaphilangy · 15/08/2008 20:36

YAB very U

Hope this is a wind up otherwise serious lessons in compassion need to be learned ...

mistypeaks · 15/08/2008 20:44

I would much rather someone said 'We'll see.. than make a promise and then break it'

OrmIrian · 15/08/2008 21:05

A 12 yr old would almost certainly prefer the company of his mates to his GPs anyway. Make another date for the family do. Feel really sorry for your MIL TBH - that you resent her for her infirmity.

Original poster
jellybelly2007 · 15/08/2008 21:26

Its not a party, all DS1 wants is to see his GP, as they rarely bother with him, so we organised at my sons request that they come for tea.
He has been so pushed out by them since DS2 arrived, she never bothers to find out his interests, and talks over him if he tries to tell her anything.

She said when I was PG 'we will make sure we treat them the same', but comes laden with gifts for DS2, empty handed for DS1.
I ended up saying, 'while we really appreciate the pressies for DS2, perhaps you could perhaps just bring a small bag of sweets for DS1, or nothing at all for either.'
Thats why I was (yes, pettily) thinking of saying if she wont come to one, then come to neither.

Funny how she can still manage to visit friends when she's in pain though.

OP posts:
Janni · 15/08/2008 22:00

Well say all that in your OP then and you might get less of a thrashing!

Original poster
jellybelly2007 · 15/08/2008 22:33

pamelat and fled to scotland, thanks for your support.
She didnt actually speak to me on the phone to explain anything, just told DS1 'we'll see' and then bye.
I think it stems from us not being able to pop up and visit for the last few weeks (various reasons that I wont go into now) and she is a very tit for tat person, eg. actually driving past our house to my mums (who she never bothers with) to drop off DS xmas presents when they werent speaking to us (yet again).

OP posts:
fledtoscotland · 15/08/2008 22:39

jellybelly - "we'll see" is a pet hate of mine. i spend most of my childhood with that being said. would have much prefered NO rather than this non-committal rubbish. Your MIL either wants to come or doesnt. simple as that.

Original poster
jellybelly2007 · 15/08/2008 22:50

She's let him down so often throughout his life (we're too tired today, phonecall an hour before they were due to pick him up etc) and goes in flouncy huffs if you dont ring when she expects it, or visit often enough.

I just really feel for him.
I know she means no, but is trying not to hurt his feelings, but the only time I say we'll see, is if he asks for something and I want to check with his dad first, so we'll see usually means yes.
Wish she'd just have the balls to tell him no.

The whole time she was on the phone to him, she didnt even ask if there was anything he'd like. He'll just get a tenner in a card 'because we dont know what he likes now'
While I dont want to sound ungrateful (cos I'll prob get flamed for that too) it would be nice if they took a small interest in him, at least on his bday.

OP posts:
fledtoscotland · 15/08/2008 22:54

without knowing the history of your family, why not just "fail to mention" DC2's 1st birthday. when she asks, just say that with her bad leg you didnt want to pressure her

Original poster
jellybelly2007 · 15/08/2008 23:00

Now thats a bloody good idea!

OP posts:
fledtoscotland · 15/08/2008 23:02

at the risk of being totally shot down in flames by other MNers, Good luck!

Original poster
jellybelly2007 · 15/08/2008 23:04

Cheers

OP posts:
beanieb · 16/08/2008 10:47

So - you're playing tit for tat basically? Will it make you snigger in side when DS2's birthday comes and you know she is missing it?

what if DS2 really wants her there?

juuule · 16/08/2008 11:17

"He'll just get a tenner in a card " just

That's rather ungrateful of you. Perhaps you'd rather they didn't give him anything at all. As regards buying presents for 11/12yo, I find it difficult to know what to buy for my dc so could understand how your mil might not know what to buy for a gc she doesn't see that often. Before your child's birthday have you ever suggested to her what your child might like? I've gone out before now and bought a present for grandparent, wrapped it and given it to grandparent for them to give to the child (grandparent paid for present).

You sound very antagonistic towards your mil. Perhaps relations could be made better if you were a bit more forgiving from your side. I understand that she is not behaving how you would like her to but you have to work with what you've got.
You say she comes "laden with gifts" for ds2, did she do the same for ds1 when he was little? Perhaps she feels more comfortable with younger children.

How your ds1 feels towards his gran is dependant on your response to her and what you say to him. You can either let him feel she doesn't care about him or tell him she does care, doesn't always feel well and has funny ways. That's up to you.

But from what you've posted it sounds as though she does care about her grandchildren ("I know she means no, but is trying not to hurt his feelings,") but possibly doesn't get on very well with you. Perhaps she feels hurt or offended by something you've done. Why not call a truce and go out of your way to be nice for a while and see whether it has any effect.
Offer to pop round with a cake and have a small birthday tea. Your ds1 would probably enjoy it, your mil might relax a bit and you might feel better too.

What does your dh think about all this?

bergentulip · 16/08/2008 11:36

Get over it. It's just a birthday. Birthdays signify being a day older.

I am so fed up of people being such prima donnas about their own birthdays, and then ensuring their children grow up with the same self-absorbtion about ONE DAY!!!!

YABU.

3andnomore · 16/08/2008 11:41

There is obviously far more to it then was told in OP...but to be honest...do you really help anyone if you are playing tit for tat back?

Also, you say that ds1 is pushed out by ds2...why is that? Just because ds2 is the Baby?

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