AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

I think this is perfect. It's dignified and concise.

Please don't think marrying a man like this would have been an honour. You had nothing to gain from marrying him, whereas he would have done very nicely out of it. Be thankful that at least you never married him.

I don't expect he actually planned to marry the 19yo either.

I don’t think you need to post screenshots etc. I think you just need to say “Just for the record I ended my relationship with X before his diagnosis when I found out about a recent infidelity, the most recent of many.”

but also it is absolute arsehole behaviour for him to publicly destroy your reputation like this. If he is otherwise a decent guy would he be open to you talking to him about this? Or to going back to the therapist to help you negotiate the break up which is now a bit more complex?

equally tho serial cheaters are often fantasists who believe their own narrative. It takes a certain type of self delusion to seem like a lovely guy to lots of people whilst lying to them all.

i’m sorry you’re going through this. Don’t give up your life without a fight!!! It’s easy to feel defeated but we only get to do this once so come out swinging! That doesn’t mean you need to be loud or aggressive btw - I just mean don’t give up your self esteem and your friendship group. Don’t just fade into the background. Take all your courage and fight for the things that are important to you! (Sorry - feeling pumped up by things in my own life currently!!!)

It breaks my heart to see how you think your friends will respond. I would suggest for now you come off social media and invest in yourself. Don't spend any more time in his world - including the fantasy land where he has been wronged. It sounds like you are comfortable enough to afford some therapy of your own. I think you need to get to the root of your view of yourself and start building your life from the ground up.

One more observation.

When a shitty person that let you down is dying or dead, you have to grieve twice. Once for the person they actually were, and once for the person you hoped they could be.

It's simple for us on the internet who don't know you IRL but obviously life and relationships are much more than a few words on a screen. It's natural to feel conflicted.

Please take comfort in the 97% of people voting YANBU and the pages of supportive comments. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. You are worth more.

If he is losing his security at the worst time of his life, that's a direct consequence of his behaviour. Hold your head up high, tell the truth to your friends, and take strength in the support of hundreds of internet strangers.

In that case you have nothing to lose by telling them.

If you don't want to go fully public on SM, could you ask the most gossip member of the group for coffee and show her the screen shots....in confidence of course...

Why are you martyring yourself for him?? You don't have to mudsling, just provide your evidence and leave it. It will be much harder for you in the long run if you don't.

Reply to the posts with the screenshots!!
What an awful man.

Just be honest with people that he was having an affair, that will end their sympathy quickly.

If anyone doubts it, you could privately send them screen shots but I wouldn't do that publicly.

tell the truth tell all the truth.

that is a GOOD idea.

My first reaction to this was quite defensive, but then I realised you do have a point. I don't want to become his carer / life long support now given the situation and if I'm being completely honest with myself, that probably is one of the factors.

I barely managed to put myself back together after each affair. Every time, it genuinely felt as though my world had ended.

We've been through therapy twice. The first time, the therapist was very sympathetic towards him and framed his behaviour almost as an illness, a sex or validation addiction. Somehow, I got drawn into seeing it that way too.

He kept telling me that all these women were just fun, fantasy, nothing real. That I was the love of his life and that he'd never actually leave me for anyone else.

Nobody had ever said anything like that to me before, and I suppose I desperately wanted to believe it. So it had a much bigger hold over me than I care to admit.

OP, you've had plenty of validation and the obvious advice on here - put the record straight in as dignified a way as possible.

If you don't address this advice posters are going to get increasingly frustrated throughout this thread. I'm not saying they should, but that's what happens here.

I missed this earlier, and I think it is the best response to give. Succinct, factual, no name-calling.

Thsts fair enough, but why would anyone still be with a partner m, accepting thst they have cheated constantly, if they didn’t love them?

Post a screenshot about him telling the 19 year old he wanted to marry her, and paying her rent.

I held my head high and didn't tell anyone what a horrible, abusive husband my ex was.

I lost ALL my friends. It's been a decade and I really regret it. By not being honest, I gave him the opportunity to charm everyone, tell his side of the story and everyone sidelined me. I have no friends from uni/my 20s anymore. I can't even go back to university reunions as they will all be there and they are still friends with him.and they have all shunned me.

You do you, but on the face of it, leaving a man 2 weeks after being diagnosed as terminally ill looks terrible. He'll be dead and you'll have no friends. You need to tell everyone everything.

No need to be homeless, he can move into the house he’s been paying for, and live with the 19 year old 🙄.

I’m sorry OP, this sounds like an awful position to be in and I’m sure you wish you had walked away years ago.

This is great, really well put.

If it is MND he has been diagnosed with, having seen a friend die of it it’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

I’m with everyone else
he needs to move out now
and you tell all mutual friends why, but not on social media
keep your head high. You have this.

Also tell the flying monkeys that, if they're so concerned about his wellbeing, no doubt they will take him in and house him as you have been doing for the last few years while he had affair after affair.

If you want your friends to know the real truth and continue those friendships...then stand up for yourself. Tell them the real reason not the narrative your ex is pedalling. He started the social media airing his issues in public....I would most certainly finish it with a truthful post about the situation but not be dragged into it.

If you have no interest in keeping those friends, hold your head high and move on.

Just because someone is terminally ill doesn't give them a free pass to cheat and not deal with the consequences of those actions.

Late 50s with a 19 year old.

Even more predatory 🤮

If you care about your friendship group, I’d be tempted to message some of the screenshots to one of the women on a disappearing WhatsApp message so they can’t be forwarded on. Then explain what you’ve said here, say this was the reason for the decision to split. If they are people worth having in your life the truth will soon get round. If not, you can do better. Good luck with everything OP xx

All the more reason why you need to be honest are this point. You don't need to mudsling, just work out one response and respond with that one response, on-line or verbally to anyone who comments.

Maybe something like

"It is very sad that life has dealt this blow to Nigel, and I can see that it must appear to the outside world that I am being very harsh, but the truth is that he has cheated on me numerous times, the most recent one was with a teenager who he said he wanted to marry. He was also paying all her living expenses, whilst telling me he was unable to contribute financial to our life together as he was clearing some debts. I was in effect financially supporting his affair and he had no guilty feelings about treating me like that.

This is a blow that I can't come back from.

I am ending the relationship because of his appalling behaviour, not because of his diagnosis".