Christmas Day hosting debate

[Lyra87]

Not a big issue but wonder how other people would go about this.

We have 1 DD who will be just shy of 4 at Christmas. I love Christmas dinner. Turkey ham potatoes all the works. My DH doesn't.

I like having other people around Christmas day. Love the atmosphere, the joy, having a good time with family (as in parents, siblings, niblings) . My DH hates having people around (including his own family) says he cant relax.

I want to host, he doesn't. When I ask how he would see Christmas day he just wants to sit at home, have a steak dinner (which we have regularly). So basically an ordinary day.

I love the full works for christmas dinner (my DH would literally only eat the meat and mash. Nothing else)

Would I be wrong to still host? I feel so sad thinking of sitting at home the 3 if us with a steak dinner. I would do all the cooking and organising so that wouldn't be on him at all.

If other people have a similar issue what do you do?

Christmas is a season not a single day / ideally you should each have one day of what you most enjoy and you share year on year

I like having Christmas Day just the 4 of us personally but we’re not all the same. Is there not room for compromise? His plan this year, yours next? Your plans Xmas day, steak on Boxing Day/ New Year’s Day?

Could you have people round in the evening for food / drinks? You could then have a family Xmas dinner at lunchtime. I think you'll both have to compromise.

What have you done previous years can you take it in turns. Although your DH does sound rather miserable!

Don't pander to an adult picky eater on Christmas day FFS. He's got every other day to cook whatever he wants.

Not wanting family over is a bit more understandable but he needs to suck it up if everyone else wants it.

If he genuinely can't relax around any family members then that would seem quite a serious issue? Why can't he, is there some history?

We have taken in turns previous years with my family and we've gone to his parents the other years.

Having people over later that day would nearly be worse for him. We wouldn't really do lunch and dinner at Christmas but maybe this could change.

For anyone with a young child a Christmas as a family of 3 what would you do Christmas day to still make it special?

My ex BF was like this, it was not about being shy he was just anti social. It came to a head on a glorious summer day about 38 years ago and he just wouldn’t come out at all. I do appreciate you have a child though. Was he always like this or is it something new?

I think it’s unfair to just prioritise your feelings over his and force him to do things he doesn’t enjoy doing every year.

The fairest thing is to alternate a quiet one alone with hosting for family every other year.

So, if you had a quiet one last year YANBU, if you hosted last year YABU

My exact words to your DH would be ‘suck it up, buttercup!!!’ You should host and I hope you have a fantastic day - lovely age for your little one to be celebrating Christmas 🥰

Child will probably be excited about presents but if your DH wants it to be like a normal day then that's presumably what it would be like.

Could you do a Christmas lights walk on Christmas Eve?

Fill your child’s Christmas with joy, love, family, nice food, fun, Santa! Don’t give in to a miserable DH who wants to turn it into just another day where he gets to have a boring unchallenging time.

Advocate for what you want and what you think your child needs - a special day with family.

I have never seen 100% on one of these polls before! Stay strong, OP

He had anxiety and i think is autistic (not diagnosed) which plays into it.

If DD wd older doing all the full works would be more worth it. When she's so young she won't eat so much so no point in going all in.

Hi OP - I absolutely love Christmas Day. I love hosting. I love having a full house. I love the food, alcohol, laughter, games etc, and luckily my DH does too.

I don’t think I’d be happy limiting myself and my child in this way and whilst I always take my husband’s views into consideration, I wouldn’t be able to entertain this idea of Christmas at all.

Presumably your DH gets to “relax” and eat steak and potatoes the other 364 days of the year. He sounds miserable and incredibly selfish and I’d be cracking on with hosting and giving your daughter a wonderful Christmas filled with family and joy, every single year.

Your DH can go and sit in the bedroom if celebrating Christmas bothers him that much.

Is he at all interested in what his wife and daughter might want, or is he only capable of considering himself? Here you are agonising about his preferences and how to be fair to him. Is he doing the same for you and DD?

YABU to serve mashed potatoes in a Christmas dinner.

This sounds a bit sad.

My DH isn’t a big fan of having a houseful, but he wouldn’t dream of expecting the rest of us to have a “household only” Christmas without a special meal. He gets to have the “quiet house” most of the year round I would imagine, so for one day he should suck it up.

There have been times when my DH has rolled his eyes or had a bit of a moan at the suggestion of doing Christmas at ours, and I’ve told him if he doesn’t fancy it he can go elsewhere.

Does he actually want to celebrate at all? Wondering if the compromise is for you to got to your parents each year (assuming they do the sort of Christmas you like).

if he does want to, but doesn’t like a lot of the typical festivities, how about a beef roast or beef Wellington instead of turkey? You can still do all the trimmings and he could just have the bits he likes? Could you start up a Christmas walk in the afternoon? Or a board game you only do that day? Then host NYE?

Theres also the one year your choice, one year his. I think it’s fair though that for his choice he can’t get away with just a steak dinner, he needs to think about making the whole day Christmas for everyone not just having his favourite meal.

If he’s a bit of a misanthrope all year and this is your one opportunity to host then I think he needs to either suck it up or be okay with more hosting year round.

Why does his family make him anxious, though, to the extent of not wanting to see them? Or are you saying he has GAD?

I can understand it being less 'hassle' with no guests but it can be so much nicer with a bit of games and noise and fuss over your DD. Other people to throw balloons at and show them her stocking etc. Nearly 4 is one of the best ages for this! There are only so many years before they get a bit old for some of the cute stuff.

Get dd a magic set and make Scrooge disappear

Could you not compromise, three of you for the morning, early afternoon then family over for dinner. All the trimmings for everyone but a steak for your husband

I'd look at compromises.

So one year visit or host wider family, then the next year just the 3 of you on Christmas day and visit family Christmas eve/boxing day those years. So you each get a year doing Christmas day that you'd prefer

On the years its just you 3, I'd do presents in the morning then the afternoon the 3 of you playing family games, dinner then a Christmas film

I'd cook Christmas dinner if you want, and tell dh to stick himself a steak in if thats what he wants to go with his portion

I don't think there is a "right" way to do Christmas day, just that everyone should get some say and compromise.

While at other times of year I have been known to perceive my DH as grumpy/a bore, I asked him today whether my parents and siblings could come for Christmas with my in-laws and he said “of course!” I’m so lucky he agrees with me that Christmas is a ‘more the merrier’ occasion. I don’t think I could be married to someone who didn’t.

Those who don’t like it can make sure there are days either side where they do as they please, and have “normal” quiet days.

Agree with the suggestion of doing a rib of beef as a main though, with all the usual sides.

This is a really good point. Have you asked him what he thinks you two would most enjoy?

We’ve had many Christmas’s just the 3 of us and we love it. But DH and I both make the effort to make it a special day. We plan a lovely breakfast, play music, DS plays with us and his toys, we read, nap, watch films, do board games, drink cocktails, go for a walk. Occasionally we may drop in on a relative for a glass of bubbly.

It sounds like your DH is being pretty grumpy about the whole thing. You can keep the day to yourselves and still have a lovely time but not if he’s being a misery.