Christmas Day hosting debate

[Lyra87]

Not a big issue but wonder how other people would go about this.

We have 1 DD who will be just shy of 4 at Christmas. I love Christmas dinner. Turkey ham potatoes all the works. My DH doesn't.

I like having other people around Christmas day. Love the atmosphere, the joy, having a good time with family (as in parents, siblings, niblings) . My DH hates having people around (including his own family) says he cant relax.

I want to host, he doesn't. When I ask how he would see Christmas day he just wants to sit at home, have a steak dinner (which we have regularly). So basically an ordinary day.

I love the full works for christmas dinner (my DH would literally only eat the meat and mash. Nothing else)

Would I be wrong to still host? I feel so sad thinking of sitting at home the 3 if us with a steak dinner. I would do all the cooking and organising so that wouldn't be on him at all.

If other people have a similar issue what do you do?

He's chosen to get married and have a family, so he should respect your very normal wish to have everyone round! He presumably would expect them to help you (in an emergency at least) so has to act like part of a family. It's fine to have some of your Christmas days just relaxing and doing nothing but a steak dinner, as you say you always do, but if he wanted to be Mr Grinch all the time, he should have stayed single!

What strikes me is that you've said that Christmas is basically just an ordinary day for him, while it has specific significance to you including important traditions, it's likely that it will be a very special day for your daughter at least for the next several years, and it matters to extended family on both sides as well. Given all that, assuming he is not absolutely debilitated by anxiety if he has to spend all or part of the holiday with people, it seems reasonable for him to go along with your wished for Christmas Day and speak up if there are specific things he really cannot handle or preferences he has because your household has quite a number of regular, quiet days all year round that suit him very well. However, it could also be that he needs buffer time to decompress after being around a lot of people or feeling like he has to be sociable, and in that case the relentless, one-thing-after-another pace around Christmas may impact him much more significantly but the key is communication and compromise. He should be able to say when a specific thing is too much for him, but not just a blanket statement that ANYTHING is too much.

Also, if you do all the cooking you choose the menu. Just make sure there's something nice he can have, and don't pressure him to eat what he doesn't want. Overall, he sounds closed off to trying new things and that would really put a damper on life for me, but that's a purely subjective opinion.

Your DH is really going to hold you and your daughter back in life if you let him.

It's a holiday, and it's supposed to be festive, not just another day like every other.

I would tell him that you are hosting, and you will take care of the food. For the sake of making it special for your daughter, I would insist.

Just because Christmas is an ordinary day for him, doesn't mean it should have to be for you or your daughter. I wouldn't tolerate this at all.

This sounds thoroughly miserable - for both of you. His Christmas would make me want to cry - it would be such a non-event. With young children, you only get so many christmases that are magic as well so I wouldn’t want to waste one.

On the other hand, he would be really stressed by what you want for Christmas Day.

I think I’d say I’m going g to family to have the big fun day with your DD and he can stay at home and have his quiet day. No tension or stress- just doing things differently.

Moving forward, how will you navigate other big ticket days such as birthdays, Halloween, New Year etc?

I think there’s a lot to unpick here but for now, focus on a Christmas Day that suits you and him - even if they have to be separate.

I know I'm missing the point but what is a nibbling OP?

You should surely do it taking turns at your perfect day. So one year u get the dinner you want with family. Next yr is his way steak at home no hosting.

I’m not fond of Christmas dinner at all. I hate cooking it maybe I shld go on strike. I don’t like hosting either just makes it more stressful for me and I fell like I spend so much time in the kitchen 😭 Now my in laws are gone we never get invited to any family. They all go out to other sides of their family (that I’m not related to) that host 😆

Could you just have people for drinks and snacks instead of dinner? Then he can have his steak if he wants. Maybe do Christmas dinner another day.

I think this.

I think a small family Christmas is fine if both parents are fully on board with making it a special day for the kids of the family. But it feels like your DH wouldn’t do that, he’d just want to slob about.

For your child’s sake he should get over himself and have a family Christmas imo

I don't host. It's me, DH and DS. We do presents and bucks fizz, Christmas dinner, play games, watch a film, and enjoy being together. We do all the family stuff from 27th-30th as that's a boring stretch of time otherwise.

But as you have different opinions I feel like you should get your way Christmas Day and he can have leftover mash with his steak in a quiet house on Boxing Day.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I genuinely thought I'd be told I'm unreasonable so I feel a bit better knowing I'm not.

We used to go between my family and his, then myself and my sister took turns hosting my side as our houses were bigger and my Mother did 30 plus years of christmas dinner. His parents have been asked to ours but they want to host so we've gone to their house. My DM has passed away so there's no going to my side every other year as such and even at that DH wants to stay home.

I believe it’s a niece or nephew

It depends if he has a few days off over Christmas to me. If that was his one and only day to relax then I would be more understanding.
If not, suck it up buttercup indeed.
I'd rather just see my family and DH would rather we just see his but you have to compromise in a happy relationship.

Sorry, yes by niblings I mean nieces and nephews

You have a few golden years where your child is young enough to get excited at Christmas. Don’t waste a single one. He can have his quiet day with steak when your DD has grown up and left home and it’s just the two of you left staring at each other.

No he has a few days off depending on annual leave he has left. He just wants to be at home the 3 of us but do nothing special other than opening presents and having a fry for breakfast

Did you not know him for very long before you married? I can’t understand how such incompatible people have been in a long relationship.

I would rather break both my arms than have loads of people over on Christmas Day. I hate hosting, it is completely overwhelming for me (ND).

I think you need to find a compromise. I would suggest if you’re going to stay at home, you don’t invite people, but you do cook the traditional meal and do things the way you want to.

Again, he can do that Boxing Day. Or New Year's Day. Otherwise it's a long old boring stretch from the 24th to the 2nd trying to amuse a 4 year old between you.

Does he ever consider anyone but himself?

I am your DH
my DH is you
we have 3 children

We host everyone, every year. It’s loud, messy and everyone else in the family loves it so I suck it up. Covid was immense. Everyone else hated it.

I’m with @SweetBaklava - suck it up buttercup.

If it gets too much I find 5 mins in the utility room with the quality street and a glass of fizz works wonders!

That’s the start of it. You have a long life ahead of you and your child.

He will keep being moody and getting his way until you do exactly as he wants and he still won’t be happy.

Free yourself. Do what you want. All of it , then at least one person e be happy.

I think it would be nice for your dd to see her cousins on Christmas day. But maybe just not for the whole day if husband isn't up for that.

We always just had drinks and party food with cousins when I was a kid then everyone had dinner in their own houses (taking turns to host grandparents). I always thought that was quite a good way to do it and we do the same thing now when all the cousins are in the same country at Christmas.

Thank you, I've never heard that before 🙂

Just to add, if we had multiple children I would be happier with it just being the nuclear family( I was one of 3 and we had Christmas dinner at home) However we are one and done so just the 3 of us when DD is too young for board games etc is sad in my mind.

There will be a lot years when quiet Christmases happen for some reason and they can be made enjoyable. Family get togethers can be precious though. If he generally isn’t keen on going out or hosting then doing that at Christmas (as something special) is more reasonable.

I definitely get that op. Especially when they're so little.

Not sure whay to suggest if your husband is set on staying at home alone as how do you find a solution you are both happy with when you want exactly the opposite of each other? Is there a chance that he's just tired and that he'll feel a bit more festive closer to the time?

Fwiw, I would prefer to not have loads of people over but my kids are older and I have more than one so very different vibe. And also, I wouldn't want just an ordinary day at home. That is too quiet