Christmas Day hosting debate

[Lyra87]

Not a big issue but wonder how other people would go about this.

We have 1 DD who will be just shy of 4 at Christmas. I love Christmas dinner. Turkey ham potatoes all the works. My DH doesn't.

I like having other people around Christmas day. Love the atmosphere, the joy, having a good time with family (as in parents, siblings, niblings) . My DH hates having people around (including his own family) says he cant relax.

I want to host, he doesn't. When I ask how he would see Christmas day he just wants to sit at home, have a steak dinner (which we have regularly). So basically an ordinary day.

I love the full works for christmas dinner (my DH would literally only eat the meat and mash. Nothing else)

Would I be wrong to still host? I feel so sad thinking of sitting at home the 3 if us with a steak dinner. I would do all the cooking and organising so that wouldn't be on him at all.

If other people have a similar issue what do you do?

He is going to ruin your life if you let him.

Maybe an achievable compromise is hosting on Boxing Day and host fancy Xmas dinner then and alternate years so you both get a day you want.

That wouldn't be much better in his mind as it's still having a Christmas style dinner while hosting other people

OP everything you post is 'he wouldn't like', 'he doesn't want'

does he by any chance sulk and huff and make your life miserable if he doesn't get his own way?

if he does, think very carefully about your future with him

We were together a few years before we got married and this has only really been an issue moreso this year.

Also doing all the extra Christmas dinner bits for just myself and an almost 4 year old isn't really worth it

Yes, I understand. It sounds like he is being selfish. I also hate hosting, so I make sure everyone comes at a set time and leaves at a set time (politely) and have days either side to recharge my batteries. Wouldn't expect my family to just not see anyone over the festive period. Maybe tell him to stay in the bedroom 😅

I disagree. I absolutely would make what you want for you and your daughter. Couldn't he compromise by having the christmas meat and the potatoes from your roast and you compromise by not hosting on christmas day?

Another family member could maybe host on another day so you all still get together? Less stress for your husband than it being in his house.

My DH doesn't like hosting or big get together but we've made compromises over the years so that everyone is happy. Sometimes we will go to other people as he finds that less trapping because he can leave if he needs to. Sometimes I just go to family with the kids. Or if we host he will take all the kids to the park for an hour, or he will clear up while we go into the other room to give himself a break from all the people.
Our families know him and understand that he gets overwhelmed and it's nothing personal against them.

It works for us as a family. You need to find something that works for all three of you, not just your husband.

This is why I would be insisting on having the Christmas Day that you want.

You want to host people in your home once a year. It is not in any way unreasonable. I feel really bad for you and your daughter having to deal with this.

I might also point out to him that’s it’s pretty rude to accept hospitality from everyone else at Christmas but never host yourself.

Surely he can suck it up for one day. Why should everyone else suffer because of
him

I have an 18 month old and a 6 month old. So it'll just be the 4 of us this year. I plan to start our own christmas traditions , like my family did when we were small. The stockings, hot chocolate ect. I think your dh needs to learn to compromise though because it sounds like your dh isnt into christmas at all and thats really hard on you when you so clearly are. He shouldnt get to decide everything

Could you host (alternative years) and give him free reign to go chill out upstairs if all too much for Him. Presuming your family are able to lend a hand and know what he is like they might be a bit relieved he can chill up there and they can have their festivities ? Then have his chilled day on boxing day?

We host Christmas,there is 12 adults and 5 children. It is overwhelming at times and I be glad to get out of the living room but I also wouldnt change it and my kids love it and are making great memories!

Thanks everyone for your replies

I should point out that we have hosted before, he knows we will be hosting regular in the years coming and if I insisted I want to do it again this year he wouldn't refuse. I was wondering if I would be unreasonable to host when I know it wouldn't be his preference this year as we did host last year so my sister could host. I just would like to have people over and do the whole big Christmas dinner.

To be fair to him, he just finds it overwhelming having so many people over but my family know what he's like and don't take offence if he goes to the bedroom for a bit (which he has done before so he know I dont mind). He does like Christmas but just not into the big dinner and having loads of people isn't the most fun thing for him.

As an only child, most years we went to visit my grandparents, which I have such fond memories as I would play with my cousins etc. The occasional Christmas we stayed at home as dad was working over the Christmas period I found less enjoyable, and my parents put a lot of effort in.

It’s just the three of us here. I was just thinking about it this morning, what to do.

My DH isn’t into family either, mine or his. We’ve had Christmas at home the last couple of years (DS is 6). I’ll go down to my parents on Boxing Day or see them Christmas Eve. His family, we don’t see them.

It’s meant mum & dad spending Christmas, just themselves. Which I hate! I always have them around for a nice meal another day, when he’s at work. They can’t relax & enjoy with him around (neither can I TBH).

Sister, BIL, their DS do my parents, his parents, their own hosting on Christmas Day / Boxing Day alternating different years. This year they are going to my parents. I’d really prefer to join with them.

We’d have Christmas morning at home, gifts etc… I just think it would be more fun (and relaxing) for me if DS had his cousin to play with instead of wanting me while I’m trying to cook a big dinner, etc…

This year, DH best friend who is single, will be home from Hong Kong for Christmas. His mum & dad are gone… And he’s lived abroad years, so is going to stay with us. I’m thinking they could have dinner & a few beers?

I don’t mind it just being the three of us, we once stayed in PJs all day, but would prefer a sense of occasion & a more social Christmas Day. Mostly for DS, so it’s special. And for my mum & dad, they do so much for us.

It’s one day a year and I think if he loved you he’d let you have the Christmas you want. I had to go to my in laws for their Christmas gathering (not on Christmas Day) of the whole family every year. Didn’t enjoy it too many people couldn’t really talk to anyone properly and my DH wasn’t that close to his five siblings so I didn’t really know them anyway, and certainly not the ever changing parade of girlfriends. But it was one day! So of course I attended and participated without complaint. My DH actually preferred the company of my family to his own (too many background emotions there) so was delighted to host them most Christmases (he did the cooking). We might have his parents over a couple days later if we could cajole them out but no big deal on either side if not.
I think you could temper your desires though. Instead of a big family takeover perhaps just a few? And not the whole day. Do your family like to celebrate en masse? Surely there are years when your siblings go to their own in laws? Does he totally object to his family coming (that’s up to him). And steak is not hard to cook if that’s all he’ll eat - just fry it quickly and he can take from the rest what he wants.
As for my family, since my DH passed away when my kids were young it’s been just the three of us on Christmas Day more often than not. Up until the pandemic we’d go abroad to visit my siblings every other year (my last parent passed away when my youngest was 10), but for four years we couldn’t go so Christmas with just us is the norm. I don’t want to go to anyone else’s house outside family and my in laws (now all gone bar my step FIL who we do see regularly) have never invited us. I think my kids quite prefer it to going anywhere or having others around. Now we cook (last year my DD did the bulk, they are both early 20s now), we have a lovely dinner then play a board game then watch a Christmas movie. This year going to my sons house so walk on the beach likely. This is how it’s been for years, minus the beach! It is quiet but they always got excited and I love decorating so the house is primed.
Your DH really needs to buck up though. My DH didn’t love Christmas the way I do but would at least get into the spirit for a few days!

Even I, the biggest grinch there is, have a roast dinner on Christmas day!

It isn't fair to force your daughter into beige OAP sad man bedsit life at the age of 4. It is yours and her Christmas too. You get a say in how it goes.

I think I'm probably a bit like your dh. Our compromise is to host of Christmas Day, because I have no desire to hurt my family, and then on boxing day everyone has to leave me alone in silence to eat cheese and watch tv. It's my favourite day!

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than host my in-laws for Christmas Day (or my parents)

Id do Christmas at home the three of you and then host a Christmas gathering for Boxing Day. I always find Boxing Day is the come down so could do with a little sparkle coming back.

Then on the other year go your in-laws if they are hosting and happy to have you.

Always Christmas dinner though as much as I joke about doing. A massive curry instead.

If he is happy to have a bit of down time and go off upstairs for a bit to recharge, then host and enjoy your day. Make a couple of steaks (and his sides of preference), stick it all on the table and get on with it.
Enjoy your Christmas OP, then let him pick a low key day on Boxing Day.

While your DD is young he needs to suck it up

He sounds miserable and antisocial and a salad dodger. Not attractive traits

@mondaytosunday

your husband should be more welcoming to your parents; pathetic of him that he isn’t.