AWBU to make our kids do activities?

[maybepushyparent]

TL;DR: AWBU to make our kids do activities when they don't want to?

Longer version: we have two DDs, in Y2 and Y5 respectively. Each is doing a few activities in and after school: swimming, karate, dance (oldest), and an instrument. I'd be open to letting them try other things, although we don't have many other options that work with our schedules. About half of the activities are in school hours, so most of their evenings are free.

Almost every week, they argue about having to do each of these activities. For the most part, they put up with doing them, and they generally report having enjoyed them once they have been, but it's a frustrating battle almost every week.

My main reason for wanting them to do these things is to foster their interests and skills, but I wonder if we will instead end up putting them off organised activities entirely.

Are we doing the wrong thing by making them go despite their protests, or does the end justify the means? If they did quit, how likely is it that they will go back to playing instruments, sports and/or other activities when they are older?

I'd say maybe drop one activity per child but absolutely make them do activities (not going to be a popular opinion).

The transferable skills are immense and kids that didn't do activities tend to become very bland adults.

Its a lot of activities so level with them and say they can do 2 instead of 4. I dont think its good to let kids quit things, as they get older and youll have the argument of 'why didnt you make me stick to X' but its good for them to feel they have choice and autonomy and they might enjoy the ones they pick better as it is thier choice. If they just quit everything it shows them when something gets hard or they cba they can just quit. In life we have to do things we dont always want to so good to keep something going. The older they get too the more they will know where thier interests lie.

I think activities are generally great. Swimming would be non negotiable for me until they can swim well annd I would tell them that clearly. It’s an important life skill. And perhaps 1 or 2 more per child. If they are really not enjoying an activity, after giving it a decent go, try something else. Brownies / cubs / guides were fun for my kids. And do ask what they’d like to try every now and then. But if they prefer being at home, I would respect that and not force loads of activities.

I had clubs and lessons that I really didn't want to do. All it did was put me off those activities, it sucked the enjoyment out. They became chores

I think at these ages 4 activities is a lot of they are not keen.

Id cut back to swimming plus one other.

Swimming is a life skill that has always been non negotiable in our house.

By year 5 or 6 I'd be encouraging a few different thinks so they can find what interests them whether is scouts, sport or music

“I'd say maybe drop one activity per child but absolutely make them do activities (not going to be a popular opinion).”

100% agree

“The transferable skills are immense and kids that didn't do activities tend to become very bland adults.”

How fucking dare you?

They're still very young. I'd encourage them to give each activity a proper chance, maybe around 3 months. After that, if still complaining, I'd let them stop. That should create room for them to think about what else they'd like to try. They've still got plenty of activity years ahead. So many opportunities out there and no point flogging a dead horse!

Why do they have to actually do them?

Do they claim to dislike all the activities?
I’d insist on swimming until they are strong swimmers and then they have to pick one other.

That's a bit of a sweeping statement. I didn't do any activities as I grew up in absolute poverty and my parents could barely put food on the table. I do them all as an adult. I travelled and read widely, I do SUP, rafting, sailing, cold water swimming, crossfit. I am an accomplished artist. I can talk for hours about theatre and opera. I enjoy mountaineering. I do motorcross...
My only regret in life is not having an opportunity to learn an instrument. Although, I am considering taking some cello lessons.

kids that didn't do activities tend to become very bland adults.

Bit of a sweeping generalisation. What do you mean by 'bland'?

Agree with pp that swimming is a non negotiable. We're big on hobbies but they are free to give up anything that they aren't enjoying except swimming (at the end of term, or after they've participated in anything to they've committed to). Anything that they aren't enjoying I'd let them stop at the end of term. Might create space for new things for them to try.

DD is in year 4 and does ice skating twice a week, piano, brownies, swimming, football and gymnastics. It's a LOT, gymnastics is new this term, she's really enjoying it but is also getting to the age where she wants to be free to hang out with her friends a bit more so I think some of them might get dropped at the end of term.

It depends for me on whether they ever speak positively about the activities.

I have a y2 who does swimming, beavers, football and cricket in the summer. We get excitement in the morning that it is whatever activity, looking forward to it when coming home from school to refusing to get changed and go 20 minutes later saying they hate it and never wanted to do it in the first place and doesn't want to go. They always come back loving having been.

As, for us, it is literally the time immediately before going and probably a bit of FOMO that by doing this activity she could be theoretically doing something else amazing that put her off.

One of her friends doesn't do any activities after school and I think this can be part of it. We have had a couple of playdates after school when the activity doesn't start until 5.30 onwards and gone straight from her house to the activity and that has worked out ok.

Did they want to do these things in the first place? I mean I think it’s fine to keep them going until the end of a term before deciding if they really want to give something up. The right hobbies will excite them and won’t be a battle.

The skills are transferable so if they quit piano lessons then maybe they’ll get more joy from clarinet. Or if they quit dancing maybe they’ll get into football. Or maybe they need to be in their room at home with space to be creative. They won’t find the things they enjoy if they are too busy with activities that don’t inspire them.

Many of the activities are for middle class boasting rights. Pick one they like the most and just do that. Both of mine wanted a “thing” that they did as teens.

One of my biggest parenting regrets was pushing an instrument on dd1. It caused nothing but unhappiness. Utterly pointless.

My 9 year old was only doing swimming and a once a month forest school until recently. He spent all his free time playing out with friends. This year he’s tried a couple of activities through school and liked them so I found clubs where he could do them after school. It’s made life quite busy but he’s really enthusiastic about them so there’s no battle.

I don't see the point of making children do something they don't want to because their adults think it's beneficial to them. The only one I think goes against that is swimming. All of mine had to go until they could swim well and knew water safety.

My children have all done activities until they haven't wanted to do them. The rule is that they must know they really don't want to do them, not that they can't be bothered that week. My parents were the same with me, some I dropped but others I kept on, and I really enjoyed those. I hated piano lessons as they were so boring, but loved horseriding and that became my life when I was younger.

If they enjoy them while there I’d say stick with it. My kids hate going out into the cold so always whine about going to activities, but happy they’ve gone later. Nothing is fun until you’re good at it (to quote a book very hated by Mumsnet 🤣)

I really appreciate everyone's perspective!

Swimming is non-negotiable for us too, but I removed that bit in the interest of brevity.😄I've always told them both that they have to stay until they have achieved stage 7 - oldest is almost there, although I'd think it was a crying shame if she were to quit as she's so good at it! I'll encourage her to continue for as long as I can get away with it.

Reading your responses has been really helpful. I think we will let them each drop one (leaving youngest with one and oldest with two, excluding swimming). I will keep an eye out for activities they may enjoy trying, and encourage them to do so when the opportunity arises.

Thanks everyone!

@Iris2020 "kids that didn't do activities tend to become very bland adults."

Obviously that's nonsense. Plus being forced to do activities you dislike does not make you rounded or help you "find yourself".

Some sort of outside interests is good for most children I think, but if it's a battle then they are too many, or not the right ones, or both. It's not working now so change things. They have the entire school day to do what they are told. They don't need to spend their evenings, breaks and lunches jumping through an extra set of hoops to build "resilience". If you want activities to be worthwhile then find something they really love. And if the thing they love turns out to be something they do at home rather than in an organised activity that's ok too, itlf it is more productive than watching YouTube.

My DD1 started volunteering in her hobby from age 12 and I think that helped her walk into a job at 16. DD2 tried a really niche hobby at age 11 and got her first cap in her national team at 16. Neither of these things would have happened had we insisted they stuck to hobbies we chose for them in primary school.

I think sometimes it's a personality thing. I have 4 kids, 3 of them are adults/ older teenagers, out of those 3 only one has any desire to be out doing things and she does a LOT, I've never pushed her into it and I didn't push the other 2 into activities that they weren't happy with. They all had to do swimming but they all enjoyed that anyway.

My youngest is 6 and she does competitive dance, she went through a phase last year where she wanted to quit, she had some commitments (she's part of a dance team) so I said after those commitments we would revisit and in that time she got more into it and now is desperate not to quit. So I think it depends if you think they'll come round.

My brother and I did one, if not two, activities every day after school apart from Monday. We also had activities on Saturday and Sunday, too. I found it exhausting and quit everything as soon as I got to choose... at 16. It took me years to go swimming again, after spending quite a chunk of my childhood/teenage years in swimming costumes and wetsuits.

I'd have preferred to do art and music lessons instead, but I was supposed to be a sporty child. Obviously, I was not!

My brother, on the other hand, would have liked to do more, and is obsessive about health and fitness as an adult.

I personally don't agree with forcing kids to do activities, let them try things & if you've paid for the term they have to see it out but other than that school is the only thing I would make them do. And learning to swim.

Kids will happily stick at the activities they love to do. You just haven’t found these yet.

Obviously all children should learn to swim but the others are all hit and miss.

We went through so many activities, some of which attended for a couple of years but they soon tell you it’s not for them. One of mine finally found theatre school at age 11 and will never miss a class 6 years on. Acting and singing are her passion. The other found his niche sport at 14 years old and still does it now he’s an adult.

Don’t force them to do activities they don’t want to do (except swimming) but find alternatives for them to try.

Swimming should be mandatory, but if they’re tired I’d look at moving when you do it.

Stick with one other activity (as well as swimming) per child for now, that’s enough then try an instrument etc again in a few years. You can always try things with them as a family at weekends, eg tennis or a group art class and see if they like things that way. Try Beavers/Cubs if you haven’t already.

Agree they shouldn’t drop everything, but don’t over schedule them either.