AWBU to make our kids do activities?

[maybepushyparent]

TL;DR: AWBU to make our kids do activities when they don't want to?

Longer version: we have two DDs, in Y2 and Y5 respectively. Each is doing a few activities in and after school: swimming, karate, dance (oldest), and an instrument. I'd be open to letting them try other things, although we don't have many other options that work with our schedules. About half of the activities are in school hours, so most of their evenings are free.

Almost every week, they argue about having to do each of these activities. For the most part, they put up with doing them, and they generally report having enjoyed them once they have been, but it's a frustrating battle almost every week.

My main reason for wanting them to do these things is to foster their interests and skills, but I wonder if we will instead end up putting them off organised activities entirely.

Are we doing the wrong thing by making them go despite their protests, or does the end justify the means? If they did quit, how likely is it that they will go back to playing instruments, sports and/or other activities when they are older?

Swimming wasn’t optional for me until they got to a level where they could swim fairly well, then they had to do one thing that was sport/fitness related. I think it’s important for them to be in a routine of doing some type of exercise a few times a week.

I think activities are great, but really only if kids want to do them. Obviously some are mandatory, like swimming. After that, I would just keep trying different things until they find something they really enjoy - at least one sport or outdoorsy activity, but bear in mind it doesn't have to be an organised thing. They might just enjoy going for long family walks. I wouldn't force the instrument, some people just aren't musical. Some people just like hanging around at home. As long as they are playing or reading and not just on screens, there's nothing wrong with that.

The caveat though is that if they've said they want to do something, they can't just decide on the day not to go. The giving up decision has to be considered, usually not when they're just about to go to the activity and they're feeling a bit nervous or tired.

Having existing activities started in primary school is important in preventing having too much time on their hands later on as teenagers, which is problematic for some teenagers. Some kids are best kept busy in teenage years. There are so many different activities that there must be something the DC want to do: sport (team and/or individual, traditional and niche), chess, dance, music, art, crafts, IT, beavers/cubs/scouts and brownies/guides (these are good for low-key socialising and evenings/weekends away as well), cadets, brigades. Have you asked them what they might like to do?

I think that you should make them do activities, but find ones that they actually like.

Loads of kids want to quit stuff when it gets "hard", when it stops just being mucking about having a go, and requires effort/practise/drills. This is where things like sports tournaments/matches/music exams/concerts tend to kick in, and theres a good reason. Those things create a positive feedback loop that teaches the child "i trained and sometimes it was hard BUT... i won/i passed the grade/i played the solo! It feels good to make progress. But theres always bits where kids are reluctant to work at it.

One of my siblings kids is a conservatoire musician, as a teen he is talented and works hard & loves it. As a little kid he grumbled about practising etc.

Oh and i was a kid who was reluctant to practise my hobby, now as an adult im so glad i learned & wish i had of tried harder.

My kids thrive on being busy but by age 8 or so they started focussing on a specific skill - dance for my daughter and taekwando for my son - as opposed to the different things. They’re both quite serious about their chosen hobby and have class several times a week. So if none of the list is sparking this sort of interest I’d try more things. Drama, martial arts, etc.

I never really had hobbies (but don’t think I’m particularly boring!) and I can see such a benefit especially as they get older. Pragmatically, my daughter is busy keeping fit and active instead of the variety of other things on offer to a 13 year old. (Caveat that she’s autistic so struggles socially without a specific task).

I suppose an important consideration what they’re doing otherwise. If not busy with clubs, my son would be whining for screens or lying around. My daughter would be crafting of practicing her flute or baking or doing cartwheels outside. So particularly important to me to make sure my son keeps at it. ‘It’ being whatever he wants really as long as he’s active and focussed on it.

if I’m asked if I regret anything about my child rearing years it’s that I insisted on them doing activities they wanted to stop.

well this is utter crap.

You know 'doing activities' is a very recent thing comparatively, and even then for only middle class kids. Even looking back at my own childhood in the 90s/00s, other than brownies or the occasional piano lesson the vast majority of us just finished school and went outside to play, we weren't ferried to different organised enrichment activities every day.

Are all adults over the age of 30, or anyone who couldn't afford to do organised activities 'very bland' according to you? How snobbish!

When people make such overarching ridiculous comments it immediately renders anything else they might say void.

My parents – mostly my mother – made me play the piano for twelve years, and to this day they maintain that was the right decision. It wasn’t. Once a year around Christmas, I play the melody lines of Christmas carols I learned when I was nine, and the rest of the time I want nothing to do with the damned instrument. When I was eleven or twelve I asked if I could switch to the flute, but no, it had to be the piano. It definitely had to do with boasting rights. My mother thought it would look great on college applications (American definition of college) to have “piano, grades 1 through 12.”

All of that is to say: thanks for realizing that you made a mistake. I wish my parents would too.

DC does a shitload of activities and has never once complained about them.

I know as adults we want to give them all the opportunities we would love and so know what we think they will be missing out on by not doing them. I also know that I personally find it hard to quit things.

But honestly, yeah, I'd let DC quit any/all of it if they were moaning about going.

There's value in learning the value of opportunity, and realistically, their life won't hinge on whether they do the activities and so the activities should be fun or what's the point?

The only reason im telling you my DC love their activities is because you shouldnt compare - the moaning isn't something we're all putting on a brave face to deal with. It's fine to figure that it doesn't work for your family. My child isn't going to be more desirable for a job at 18 because we took them to music and craft club so just give yourself and your kids an easier time now.

The not doing stuff might make them want to do stuff in the future. Or they might have to read or play quietly and find their own fun that they thrive on and love.

Like many of you, swimming was non negotiable until they were proficient.

I also required my kids to do one physical activity and one musical activity. The physical was only one practice and one game per week until they were about 11.

By their own choice, they sometimes did more than one sporty thing, and they liked scouts for several years. They eventually gravitated to the sport they enjoyed the most and had to stop piano and scouts when it became too hard to find time for lessons/meetings (when they went to high school at 14).

I did offer them the chance to do all types of sports.

We told ours to quit something you need a replacement activity. Seems to work quite well.

With my 2 (years 3 and 6) I always say they have to finish the term after they start it and I have paid for it. If at the end of the term they still want to stop then they can. The reality is they usually change their mind and keep going, but it teaches then to value fact I have paid and to not give up straight away, but also makes they feel they have choice over it.

Oldest does scouts, guides, netball, dance, choir and drama. Youngest does swimming, dance and brownies. All their own choices, some through school. Have told oldest she will need to cut back when goes into year 7 as much more homework, but for now she enjoys it.

I insist on swimming until at least level 3.

Other than that, I don't think activities are essential, and not worth it if they hate them. But nor would I let them be just sitting at home watching TV.

My DC gets sad with too many activities, because they love playdates atm and playing with their toys. So I make plenty of time for that because I think unstructured, imaginative and social time is also important.

But I also think trying out loads of stuff is good at this age. As a child I was lucky enough to try dance, badminton, horseriding, Brownies, air cadets, typing, French, pottery, swimming and an instrument.

Horseriding wasn't for me.

I hated swimming and still do, and didn't really enjoy music either. But I'm glad I can swim, and reading music has been helpful as an adult.

Badminton and cadets lasted until A level and were great.

Typing has been super useful for my entire life.

Dance, French and pottery were dropped at 16 but I took up a different dance style and art in my late 20s which I have now done for 20 years. I also revived the French as an adult.

So a mixed bag. I don't regret doing any of them - I'm glad I got to try them, but glad I wasn't forced to continue them after I'd lost enjoyment.

From a young age did activities everyday after school and half the weekend, and I got involved in squad swimming for a period. Looking back, I feel like I lost some of my childhood because I was never home to muck around or had the time to spend with my friends.

I actually had a panic attack in my grade 5 piano exam. Never dared tell my parents. Failed exam obviously and literally never played the piano again. Utter waste of time. I still play netball though at 50!

They don’t need lots of things but it’s nice to have one that endures the teen years. Both mine carried on their 1 thing until GCSEs. Dd now in the club of that sport at uni. Neither are amazing at it but competent.

We had to do swimming and Brownies/Guides as they were life skills and character building and then could pick one thing we really wanted to do. It was a good way to balance things. The rest of the time, we were expected to work out how to occupy ourselves.

DS did no clubs and DD plenty
Both now employed , happy adults who have plenty of hobbies they picked up from secondary school onwards .
Theres not much that can’t be picked up as an older child . If there’s an aptitude it’ll probably be picked up .
DS asked to start an instrument at 11 and now plays in a band regularly as an adult .

As someone who rins an afterschool activity can i plead with you not to send them to an activity they dont want to be at. It isnt hood gor anyone, them, thel leaders the other particpants and your bank balance

Yeah too much
My 5 year old does swimming and gymnastics, anything else would be too much
They need time to play.

What's your method and size sample for coming to the conclusion in that (massively sweeping) statement?

OP, I can see why you insist on swimming but aside from that, I would very much let them choose. It's great preparation for life to be able to choose how you want to spend your time. I read 'Battle Cry of the Tiger Mother' when DC was little, and decided to do the opposite. I decided I wanted us both to be happy rather than her being good at anything.

DD has made her own decisions. She does more stuff than I would advocate but I let her be in control of that too. She makes much better decisions as a teen than some of her friends who have attended activities under the weight of parental expectation, and I think it plays a part. I want her to have the life she wants not one that impresses me so I'm letting her decide while she's still under my roof and I can provide support if required. If she's too tired to go, I am the one saying she should skip it this once. She doesn't often take my advice!

She gave up a musical instrument that she didn't want to give up but clearly didn't enjoy, and picked up another, has joined a band and gets proper joy from it. That's worth much more to me than her getting extra UCAS points from grade eight. Some parents are very invested in this.

The number of teenagers now with poor mental health and self-esteem issues is on the rise, the pressure to achieve high results at school is huge and many leisure activities also seem to have morphed into another way of impressing or disappointing people rather than being a place to relieve stress, hang out with peers and enjoy yourself. Add to that the expectation that you enjoy whatever your parents have decided you should like. Never has there been a better time to let them be in charge of their free time. For every moment you are doing a sport or instrument you don't love, you're further away from finding what does make you truly joyful, and being good at it seems an irrelevance to me.

I knew someone with 4 children who told them they could choose 1 activity each year but they had to stick with it for the year. If they didn't like it then they could change after the year but doing "an activity" was non negotiable.

I do think that it benefits youngsters to have extra curriculars. It can provide an alternative friendship group which can be a lifesaver and in the teen years it prevents "just hanging around" during lunch breaks at school.

It is a tough one to balance. My almost 8 yo DS has started complaining about Beavers having loved it for two years. His best friend from school has recently stopped attending so he no longer has him to talk to and as a result is asking to leave. I’m reluctant because I think it’s great for him, he’s about to move up to Cubs and I’m hoping he’ll feel better there with older kids? He also does swimming at the weekend and has recently started trumpet lessons.

It’s whether you let them quit as soon as they start complaining or teach them perseverance. I don’t think they need a club every night, particularly if they’re in afterschool club as mine is most nights - it will get too much.