Graduation and Freeloading Relatives - how to handle?

[BruFord]

DH and I were talking about DD's university graduation next year (assuming she passes her final year, of course, fingers crossed). We're lucky that her university allows each student to have several tickets so DD can also invite extended family. Absolutely no expectation for anyone should attend, but it's nice that DD can ask them. Her university isn't close to anyone's home, so we'll all have to travel, book accommodation, pay for meals, etc.

One of DH's sisters loves family events and we're pretty sure that she and her DH will want to come. The only slight drawback is that they also have a history of freeloading when travelling with family members. No logical reason for this, they have professional jobs and go on several holidays a year. I think they just don't like spending money!

We'll pay for a celebratory family meal, but how do we gently get the message across that if they do decide to come, they'll have to pay for their accommodation, meals, etc. DH's brother got really annoyed with them on a recent joint holiday!

Even the most devoted auntie and uncle would surely draw the line at travelling to attend a graduation - they are boring as hell!

I bet they won’t want to come. If they do, simply tell them time and date, with a link to hotels. Does DD actually want to attend herself? My son wasn’t interested in going.

I’d go for something along the lines of telling them the hotel you’re thinking of booking and suggesting they book soon before it gets full of other families of graduating students.

Surely they would ask about accommodation beforehand and you would just say that only a ticket for graduation is included so choose where you like. You could tell them where you have booked and say they could do the same.

I would only go to my child’s graduation and not extended family.

Tell them that you are happy to offer tickets to the ceremony but the trip will also have the added expense of accommodation, meals etc so you understand if they choose not to prioritise it due to the overall cost.

@JustWalnut @feemcgee Yes, graduations are boring, but they went to one on her DH's side this year that was further away, they seem to like them!

They're the only people we think might come tbh. It would be nice if her DH's parents came but they don't like travelling and haven't been v. involved grandparents.

Does your DD actually want them to come? I'd say it's fairly unusual for an Aunt & Uncle to attend a graduation.
Unless your DD is particularly keen to have the extended family there I probably just wouldn't mention it. Tickets are normally restricted at most graduations so unless you tell your relatives that there are plenty of tickets available I'd think it's likely that they'll assume tickets are limited like they are in most places.
But if they are going to be invited I'd say something like "We're staying at the Premier Inn. I think they still have rooms if you want to book yourselves in there too, but if you prefer to stay somewhere else we'll meet you at the graduation venue at noon".

DH's brother got really annoyed with them on a recent joint holiday!

What did they do? 😮

Christ just don't invite them. Graduations are for the parents, and siblings who get dragged along.

You know, you're right @MrsAvocet, we might be overthinking this - we've only just discovered that we can have extra tickets and that started the conversation.

Unless DD decides that she really wants more people there, we'll just keep quiet about it. We're just talking about it now as accommodation books up really fast apparently so we want to get ours organized in the coming weeks

If DD wants to invite them, send date, time info with full address & postcode of graduation location.
Details attached so you can plan the drive & find a nearby hotel on --- (booking.com/premier inn/etc).
We will of course be booking a meal closer to the time. You are welcome to join us and buy dd a celebratory drink!

This tells them they are responsible for travel, booking and paying for themselves.
If they are cheeky enough to say "oh just add us to your booking", you just reply "oh no it's best you do it yourselves. I can let you know where we will be staying after I've chosen and booked it."

@CoffeeBeansGalore You completely understand - "just add us to your booking" is exactly what I'm expecting them to say!

My aunt and uncle came to my graduation! And if there are enough tickets I will be at my niece and nephews!

@nomas It was a city break and he got frustrated with their cheapness. He and his wife ended up doing things without them as they just wouldn't pay admissions, etc. - they'd go if he paid, of course!

They won't be going on holiday together again, it just didn't work. We've been on holiday with them before and won't repeat it either!

I have attended loads of graduation ceremonies as staff and it’s usually parents. partners children and sometimes grandparents. It’s unusual to get more than a couple of extra tickets.

Book everything as the family group you want now, fait accompli. If they find out later then they would be responsible for all their own arrangements. We are going to DS GF graduation ceremony for her Masters. She is allowed 4 tickets, so we will be just at the lunch, I’m fully expecting to pay for my own.

More fool the brother for paying for them.

@ViciousCurrentBun I'm really surprised tbh, I assumed it would just be DH, me and DS. Perhaps we've got the wrong end of the stick...it would actually be helpful if we had. 😂

OP are you sure they offer extra tickets? I've never known any uni offer more than 2 per student at a ceremony. And YYY to it being a very boring event, although there are often free sparkling wine and cakes afterwards - courtesy of the uni, so they could freeload those.

I'd say to DC that this is more an immediate family event and you want to go out for a nice lunch to celebrate.

Just tell them you'll be paying for the celebration meal but they will have to cover the cost of their own travel and accommodation and any other meals and drinks. You don't have to be gentle - they're adults and I'm sure they will cope. Just be very clear and factual.

I've just looked at the website and it says:

No tickets or registration are required for guests of the graduating students.

It's on a massive field so perhaps they can literally fit in thousands of people.

I think I'm going to take the advice and quietly make our arrangements first. If DD does want to mention it to extended family, she can, but we'll be all set.

You'd be surprised how some people feel about "family".... normally they are the ones who freeload and go to things or simply turn up for the free food and drink

Op I would get the price of the hotel/air b and b and ask for the money upfront before booking it. Also say you are putting a kitty together for food drinks etc and again ask for it upfront (personally I'd make them contribute more to make up for previous piss takes but if they do the trick of ordering expensive stuff, they are still paying the bulk of it)

Most graduations offer 2 tickets and then you queue for extras.

If they are a such a pain in the arse, why would you entertain such drama. Don’t even mention the day.

What do they do on the days there is torrential rain ?

Exactly this.

If they ask you to where to stay etc.. just forward them a link to book their room.

For meals out that you have planned, just send them the link and let them know it probably cost the xyz each.

Make everything clear from the start that they will be covering their own costs.