Graduation and Freeloading Relatives - how to handle?

[BruFord]

DH and I were talking about DD's university graduation next year (assuming she passes her final year, of course, fingers crossed). We're lucky that her university allows each student to have several tickets so DD can also invite extended family. Absolutely no expectation for anyone should attend, but it's nice that DD can ask them. Her university isn't close to anyone's home, so we'll all have to travel, book accommodation, pay for meals, etc.

One of DH's sisters loves family events and we're pretty sure that she and her DH will want to come. The only slight drawback is that they also have a history of freeloading when travelling with family members. No logical reason for this, they have professional jobs and go on several holidays a year. I think they just don't like spending money!

We'll pay for a celebratory family meal, but how do we gently get the message across that if they do decide to come, they'll have to pay for their accommodation, meals, etc. DH's brother got really annoyed with them on a recent joint holiday!

You make it blindingly obvious in the invitation. You tell them in simple words but they will have to find, book and pay for accommodation and meals and you say what you will be providing. But I agree with the observation of others that are graduation ceremony is desperately dull.

You have a whole year to worry about this . Do your own arrangements and closer to the time IF your DD wants she can give the tickets and details . No need to tell them about it now . No accommodation? Not your problem.

“How do we get the message across”? Tell them.

No,just time and date and leave them to look for hotels ,that way there can be no assumption whatsoever.

I wouldn’t even mention it! We were only able to get 3 tickets for our son’s graduation-for us and his girlfriend. But even if we had been able to get more, he wouldn’t have expected anyone else to take a day’s annual leave, sort out childcare, go to all that expense etc! And as proud as we were of him, it was bloody boring!

@Greenfingers37 I wouldn't have even considered that they might come if they hadn't gone to her DH's nephew's graduation this year that was really far away. Plus, DD's uni is in a scenic area that people visit for holidays! We'll be going for a long weekend ourselves :-).

It would be lovely if they decide to attend, they're nice people - but I know what they're like with money so we need to set clear expectations.

@Freshrain No idea, there's not much information available yet. They must have some sort of backup plan for bad weather.

“Just to let everyone know that DD is able to get plenty of tickets for her graduation if anyone fancies it.

You’ll all need to make your own travel, meals and accommodation arrangements of course, but for anyone who comes we will look forward to hosting a celebratory dinner for everyone on the Saturday night “

I have been to quite a few university graduations of extended family members, including nieces and nephews, but I am in the US where ceremonies are usually held in large athletic venues so there are plenty of tickets available.

I enjoy graduations. If I'm invited, I will certainly try to go.

It would never in a million years occur to me for one of my siblings to pay my accommodation and meals for me to attend a niece or nephew's graduation. There is usually a party or gathering which their parents would host, but I would pay for my other expenses.

I agree with other posters. Just give them the link to accommodations and suggest that they make reservations early to ensure that they have a room.

I think it should be enough to just invite them to the ceremony at x time and dinner at X restaurant afterwards.

By what mechanism would they get you to pay for their breakfasts, other meals and accommodation? On holiday it's different, you are all physically there in the same space at the table together. Here you can invite them for those events at those specific times and there is no reason for you to be anywhere near them at breakfast time or when they are booking a hotel. If you do end up in the same hotel then book B&B so you don't have to settle up for breakfast or go out, and if you want other meals together with them then you need to be explicit "just to be clear we're each paying for our own ok?" Or suggest you each pay for your own as if the natural default is going halves but "of course" you wouldn't expect that of them when there are more of you.

I think the fact you are thinking about this in Oct means maybe you are overthinking a bit.

I wouldn't invite them. I wouldn't even mention it anymore to them

@RitaIncognita Yes, we're in the US too. I went to university in the UK so these big events are new to me, it really was just immediate family in the UK.

I've heard that you need to book accommodation really early as anything close to the uni gets booked months in advance and the traffic will be dire.

DH's family just has a weird dynamic sometimes, they're all nice people but expectations can be odd sometimes.

I got 4 for both of mine. Two allocated and 2 from classmates who didn’t want to go.
You can usually queue for spares. We did that once.

"Oh, no, we have already booked and cant make changes"

How hard can it be?

You are in the USA? If it’s a stadium venue there will be unlimited tickets. Most venues do not have a rain site. Many do not allow
umbrellas. I purchased and packed rain ponchos for everyone and didn’t need them as the weather was clear/ sunny. If it thunderstorms the graduation is cancelled and many schools don’t have a “rain date”.

not only will the hotels book quickly so will the restaurants. I am currently in contact with my preferred restaurant for spring 2028. If you are talking spring of 27 I would start calling and booking no later that January of 2027.

I love graduations. I have flown myself and dc to Texas and those same family members flew to Ohio for ours.

graduation is a milestone to be shared and celebrated.

Just tell them. Gently doesn't work with CFs.

"The ticket to the graduation ceremony is free. We will be hosting and paying for a celebration meal at X restaurant on x date at x time. All other expenses such as accommodation and other meals will need to be met by guests themselves. Please let us know if you would like to do this, otherwise DD can offer the tickets to other friends/family members. We need a definite answer by x date, or we will assume you can't make it. Best wishes....."

Haha I totally agree with this. I’m an academic so I’ve graduated myself three times, then sat through a few ceremonies as part of the procession. By god they are dull.

I have US freeloading relatives as well. Last time they were over we probably went too far the other way in encouraging a reset, by going for dinner at Wetherspoons ( downmarket UK pub chain) and DH ostentatiously using the app to pay for our own meals then showed the DH how to set it up so he could pay for his own. But in the past we usually ended up subbing them enormously.

I would communicate as if you don’t it creates ambiguity. If you would like them there then tell them along with what you’re prepared to pay for. “Hi please let us know by X date if you want tickets for Ys graduation on Z date. We have booked to stay at this hotel <share link> but there are cheaper options such as <other link>, book soon as rooms go quickly.
We will be hosting a dinner for everyone on the Saturday night at <random place> NB if they are real grifters you may want to find a place with a set price menu and consider having a generous amount of wine for the table with the stated expectation that additional drinks are paid for by guests.
Hope you are all well xx”
I wouldn’t state what you aren’t paying for as that’s implicit. You will need to change your behaviour if they do come. Set up a splitwise or - better - just be very upfront about everything. When choosing a restaurant “is this ok for everybody’s budget?” and ask for separate checks where you can. If visiting an attraction, it’s really hard to get out of the way for paying for everyone if you’re a naturally generous person woth normal non mooching friends and relatives, but you and DH must just pay for tickets for your own family.
If you do set up a splitwise, at the end of the trip on the shared whatsapp make sure you state how much is owed and by whom.
Good luck it’s frustrating to have to deal with but hopefully a reset will stop the situation recurring.

Make your own arrangements and keep quiet about it. If the relatives later ask about attending then tell them the venue and date but be very clear that you'll be funding one celebratory meal and that accommodation and all other expenses will be at their cost. With any luck they'll leave it too late and all reasonably priced hotels will be booked up.

just tell them
we have booked X place
you may want to book the same

Just don’t tell them! All this handwringing. Just make your own plans and keep quiet. If they ask nearer the time just say you assumed they wouldn’t want to go.

Just say you only have a couple tickets

Things sound very different the US! If hotels book up fast, book yours asap. Then don’t tell them about it for ages.

Aunts and uncles generally don't attend graduations, no need to involve them.

So you tell them ‘we are staying at X hotel but I know they are booked up so here’s the link’. Like do it before you even (or your YP) asks them to come.
As for the celebratory dinner I’d just take the bill and say ‘your share is X’.
Or maybe not even ask them to come?