To feel so estranged from my life

[incredulitysquared]

(NC)

I wanted to know if anyone feels like I do. The life I've ended up in is very much not the life I ever wanted, but I can't see a way to get out, at least while my children are in school.

I worked hard for years when the career I'd built came to a sudden stop. I'm now working for about half what I was earning before, with very few realistic options at the moment to move job, get promoted, or move to a city with more going on.

I'm 51, married for 20 years. I moved to my husband's town for his work and never really settled. I thought that I'd eventually put down roots and build a local social life once I found people I had something in common with, but I've slowly realised that it's not going to happen now.

He doesn't want to move and doesn't understand why it matters so much to me that I should feel settled somewhere, and that there are opportunities to progress. He takes any expression of unhappiness as a personal criticism, says that grownups realise life is shit and you just have to get on with it.

That's fine, but he does seem to find life a bit less shit. I feel deeply estranged from it all, like a fish out of water.

I've had therapy which helped at the time, so I'm not sure that more will help, and I'm not depressed. It's more like prolonged, devastating disappointment. And focusing on home and family life won't work for me.

What has worked for others? My youngest is in P4 (late surprise baby) so they'll be in school for years yet.

I'm not depressed. It's more like prolonged, devastating disappointment.

What makes you so sure you’re not depressed? Depression takes many forms; it’s not just about wearing a dressing gown and not being able to face daily life.

I haven't had the same experience but my life certainly isn't how I thought it would turn out. What roots did you have before that you don't have now? Any hobbies or pass times that you could build back into your life?

As a side note it sounds like you gave a DH problem. He should want you to have a life that is better than shit. Are you happy with him?

Really?

I'm open to the idea, just dubious. I'm motivated in my job, I enjoy time with my children, I have some energy and sleep fine. When there are good things happening, I enjoy them.

Sorry you feel this way OP.
Where would you like to live? Would you like to go back to your hometown? If so you may need to wait it out until your youngest is older. I always promise myself that I'll eventually move 'home' even if dh or dc don't want to come. But obviously that'll be when they are adults, my youngest is only 4. I can't imagine living away from where im from for the rest of my life. It seems grim to me. Maybe it is a promise I will never keep especially if grandchildren come along -but it makes me feel better 😌

Life doesn't have to be shit. Can you write a list of things that would make your life less shit? They can be really small or really large. Don't worry about whether there are achievable or not, just write down as many as you can without censoring yourself. Aim for at least 50. Then have a look at the list. There may be some you can start doing straight away. There will be others that are a bit more of a stretch or seem impossible. You might need to go back to therapy to figure out how to do some of them. At some stage, you will need to have a conversation with your husband about what he is willing to do to support your happiness. But for now just focus on what would bring you meaning and happiness in your life.

Your life can be better than it is. I don’t think you sound depressed, you’re just not living how you want to. The main thing that jumps out at me is how little your husband cares that you are unhappy 😞

I’m guessing you have older children at secondary school. Would there be an opportunity to move somewhere else before the youngest starts secondary.

I kind of relate OP. What works for me is making sure that I look at the things I do like and make the most of them. I try to do one thing a day, even if tiny, that brings me some satisfaction on a personal level. I'm also content with my own company, for the most part.

OP, what would some of those "good things" be? Say in the last six months?

I've had therapy which helped at the time, so I'm not sure that more will help, and I'm not depressed. It's more like prolonged, devastating disappointment. And focusing on home and family life won't work for me. If therapy helped before, it will probably help again.

@Granville82 Being on holiday 😂But money is very tight right now so we've had to scale down.

I'm over 50 and opportunities are narrowing.

I like the arts and spending time in my home country, or the city where I spent my 20s, catching up with college friends. I spend a lot of my free time taking children to their hobbies right now. And their hobbies are expensive!

I try to keep up with a weekly meeting, and to see old friends every year or two.

I do practice gratitude. I'm great at resentful gratitude! ... more seriously, I do know for sure that I'm a kinder person for having taken chances that didn't quite pay off. Just beginning to panic that time is running out for the learning to convert to something.

I had a truly great counsellor which I think makes a big difference. It was also at the time I was transitioning out of my old job - I hadn't realised then that I might not ever get back to something good.

I don't know if therapy is always the answer? If anyone has found it helped with this type of situation, it would really help to hear.

Maybe the thing I'm struggling with is acceptance, because I'm still not ready to accept that this might be it. And typing that out makes me realise I'm counting on blind hope for something to just turn up, which is embarrassing.

So I'm hearing you feel satisfied/understood by having your identity reflected back to you by people who've known you a long time or in a consistent way (old college friends, other old friends, your weekly meeting), and also by places that you've known a long time (your home country and city you spent your 20s in). This makes sense because we understand ourselves - and can even track our change - through these long standing or consistent relationships.

How long have you been married - in what ways does your husband provide that sense-making over time? Even just when we reminisce or go over old events, that's what we're doing - we're retelling things to put them in their place. In time your kids will do this too but they're absorbed by being teenagers.

You say you like going on holiday, what about being on holiday? It might sound like a silly question but actually people like very different types of holidays and this might give some insight.

You like the arts, you might have a higher than average openness to new experience which measures traits like curiosity and aesthetic sensitivity - does that sound like you? This is from the OCEAN personality framework which is kind of psychotherapy's "theory of everything" - it is 5 dimensions that apparently statistically fully describe the variation of human personality. You can do this test on numerous websites (for free) , I did Jordan Peterson's one which includes analysis but you could do any of them. It puts you on a distribution against the rest of the population and is incredibly helpful in making sense of how you are vs the "average". I've found it incredibly helpful just to be like "oh, I'm more introverted than the average" or "oh, out of 100 people 60 would be more agreeable than me".

I wonder if by spending some time deeply understanding yourself - probably through a number of means, that's just one - you might start to experience the homecoming you're craving, or at least new possibilities would start opening up through that.

Incidentally I wasn't asking in order to spark gratitude (although that's really good obviously!) but because the glimmers of what we already enjoy/what's already working are often the best things to really notice to then identify some common denominators and expand upon them.

OP I would urge you not to settle for acceptance. There are so many ways (big and small) that you can change your life. I've made a lot of changes in the last 10 years (with the help of therapy and reading loads of self help books) and I can truly say that I am happy and content. Some of the changes were big and visible (retraining for a new career) and some were much more subtle (approaching relationships in a different way, developing a new worldview).

@newroundhere I think he sees it in zero sum terms, also that he already made a lot of sacrifices to make me happy. He's more fragile in many ways (come on, he's a middle-aged man!)

@stripesandspotsanddots wow, a new worldview? Can you say?

@Granville82 That's interesting. We've been together a long time. My husband isn't great at remembering - he lives in the moment. He didn't take to the friends I had before we met, and doesn't care for spending time in my home country.

I do like the people I work with and the people I've got to know here, but they're not deep friendships.

@incredulitysquared I think before my life was based around "shoulds" and "musts" - I was very hard-working but also sometimes resentful. There were moments of happiness and enjoyment, but I felt like I was pushing a boulder up a hill. Now, I feel like I am much more tuned into my natural optimism and energy, and I also feel like I am part of something bigger (so a bit of a spiritual feeling but not in a religious way). Just generally more tuned into myself, my life force and how that connects to other people and nature.

The idea of doing school
runs and all those shenanigans (hobbies - logistic and cost) for another 5-10 years would make me depressed for sure !

I've been there with the 'part of something bigger'. Your post just made me think how perspectives can change over time and where I am now. I'm very in tune with nature and often found in remote areas. However, I was in a busy place thinking how people are really just like ants on the earth and how many there are, just yesterday. I really just live for the here and now at this point and don't care if there is something bigger. If there is, I'll find out, if there isn't, it really doesn't matter as I won't know. I've found a lot of freedom in that.

I live in a compromise place which was convenient for work for both DH and myself and offers good schools for DD. It wouldn’t be my dream place but there’s lots to recommend it ( low crime, easy into London etc etc ) What I’ve done is hustle over the last 10 years to carve out my own hobbies and friendships. I don’t want to spend my life thinking “ this place is shit”. My DH would like to move elsewhere when DD leaves school but he hasn’t made a single friend in all the years we’ve been here and I know it would fall to me in a new town so I’m much more cautious about starting over from scratch.

I know im massively missing the point

@Livergoingtogivemeup No, you're very much on point!

Is your marriage ok? I ask because you say your husband says he's given up a lot for you (what? you live where he wants for his job), he doesn't like your old friends and he doesn't want to visit your home country. No wonder you feel detached from the first decades of your life.

It may be you've built a bubble and are happy in it but it's his bubble. It may be you aren't that happy with him and his inconsiderate ways at all.

I think connecting in with what you liked to do in the past, and seeing if it works for you now, is a good place to start. What about visiting your home country more, without him, getting in touch with some old friends? Remembering what activities you used to like, what type of skills you enjoy using, and trying to build more of that in.

I think having a 3 year and/or a 5 year and/or a 10 year plan can really help.
In the shorter term, try to figure out one or two smaller things you can change that would improve things for you.

I feel you OP! Even if you feel the long term plans are unlikely to work out, it helps to feel you are aiming for something.

@Fernsarethebestplants he would say he compromised a lot on his career to help me get established when I moved, and in the end it didn't work out (though in the end it was nothing to do with my performance). At times the resentment shows on his side as well as mine.

My income was cut sharply when my career ended, so I lost a lot in one go. I had to skip the big 5-0 celebrations because I was too broke, which hurt.

That's insightful @whatisheupto because one of the challenges has been that I don't feel that I'm moving toward anything any more.