To feel so estranged from my life

[incredulitysquared]

(NC)

I wanted to know if anyone feels like I do. The life I've ended up in is very much not the life I ever wanted, but I can't see a way to get out, at least while my children are in school.

I worked hard for years when the career I'd built came to a sudden stop. I'm now working for about half what I was earning before, with very few realistic options at the moment to move job, get promoted, or move to a city with more going on.

I'm 51, married for 20 years. I moved to my husband's town for his work and never really settled. I thought that I'd eventually put down roots and build a local social life once I found people I had something in common with, but I've slowly realised that it's not going to happen now.

He doesn't want to move and doesn't understand why it matters so much to me that I should feel settled somewhere, and that there are opportunities to progress. He takes any expression of unhappiness as a personal criticism, says that grownups realise life is shit and you just have to get on with it.

That's fine, but he does seem to find life a bit less shit. I feel deeply estranged from it all, like a fish out of water.

I've had therapy which helped at the time, so I'm not sure that more will help, and I'm not depressed. It's more like prolonged, devastating disappointment. And focusing on home and family life won't work for me.

What has worked for others? My youngest is in P4 (late surprise baby) so they'll be in school for years yet.

Hang in there OP. Can you try volunteering to make some friendships.?
I empathise as I also moved primarily at DH’s behest, although I love the area I gave up friends, activities and a social life and realise after a few years that I just don’t have anyone or anything comparable locally. I try hard not to dwell on it and to remind myself of the many upsides of living here. it’s hard though isn’t it?

That's one thing that I've overcome by just learning to live in the moment. After personal tragedy, it's the right place to be.

Oh I’m so over that too! I’m now on count-down for my youngest to go to university, 36 months to go!

I’ve enjoyed parenting (I really have) but I would very much like to move on to the next exciting chapter of my life now. Not just watch my teenagers have all the fun. I’m ready for the freedom of my 20s to return, have more available money for me and H to spend on frequent holidays, plus less washing, less cooking and less serving the needs of others.

Just 36 months to go!

I feel totally stuck because I got to that point, then they developed some serious medical problems that mean I'm even more restricted than ever as their carer.

Oh I’m so sorry to hear that.

But you can change things. You’ve lived somewhere you don’t like for years. It’s your turn to choose a location. Or you can divorce, if you’re tired of being married to someone who doesn’t care that you’re unhappy. You can cut down on your children’s hobbies to have more time to pursue your own passions. It comes down to you prioritising yourself. Not acceptance.

Acceptance is a valid approach for things that you can’t change but there is a lot here that can. You’re only 51, lots of potential good years left.

it sounds like you have comprised a lot and responsibilities hold you up, there are ways to do things that you like little by little, like getting a job in another city so that you have some space for yourself. age does not matter, it's your life, just live it. re career, AI is restructuring everything, im not sure how AI-proof your previous industry is, you never know.

Could have written your post.

I did have depression and took medication which helped the depression massively but not my feelings on my life - which is not depression.

I don't know what the answer is though.

Well, it's definitely taught me to live in the moment, because you never know what is around the corner for any of us.

Could you apply for the kind of job you want (the job you used to do?) even if the job opening is in another city than where you currently live? And then if you get far through the interview process, use that as an opportunity to open up a discussion with your husband about moving? Would he be likely to be able to get the type of job he currently has in other towns/cities if you moved?

I totally get it OP.

You are essentially living in your DH’s world where he is the main character and isn’t even listening to you.

This isn’t going to get better until he starts seeing you properly. As an equal person. Not as someone who needs to dissolve herself into his world in order to not rock the boat.

Have you broached the subject of couples therapy with him?

What makes you so unhappy? You have a job. Your DH has a job. You have DCs. A house. A stable life in a country where there are no wars, famine, extreme weather events etc.

So realistically you have the basics on which to build - or have already built - a contented life.

I think you sound depressed as well. I see nothing in your OP that could remotely be described as “shit”.

You describe yourself as not having a life you want in the exciting city you want. You’re 51, love, not 21. You can’t be racketing around chasing pipe dreams. Concentrate on what you do have instead of what you think you don’t.

Feeling out of kilter with the life you chose (you did choose it) is very common in menopause - it’s part of the rebuilding process, so it’s normal. Tricky when you can’t make changes as children are in school though.

What are the elements of the life you have that you are happy with? Are your children a source of joy ? (Ok to say no if not, mine are v hard work and parenting is not at all as I imagined). Is your marriage good? Is there a part of your work you like?

I struggle with similar feelings as you describe around work as I’m in a high pressure industry so had to step back from my all encompassing job after I had my second child and tbh often wonder if I really did the right thing. I am now self employed which has benefits and drawbacks

Menopause and rites of passage into new phases of life is such a great point. A person always feels frustration with their context at these thresholds, it's part of what propels you forward through that change. Maybe look into the crone archetype and the matriarch.

It sounds here like you have shrunk yourself to fit your husband. You have minimised the bits he didn’t like about who you are maximised the bits he did - and in doing so you don’t recognise yourself anymore. Does that feel right?

The whole “we have no wars here” thing is used as a stick to beat people for their legitimate feelings. Spending your whole life driving your kids to their activities while watching the clock passing on your life is, objectively, shit. I do know that some parents feel v fulfilled by this quieter family focused life but others don’t and there is no right way to be. Doesn’t mean she’s actually depressed

This in spades.

Yeah you don't sound depressed to me. You sound like you are dealing with psycho social stressors and in that case medication might not be the answer. I would look into online self paced CBT, which you can also do with any of the GPT's. It really helped me alot.

This was it completely for me op. I felt invisible and as if I was living my husbands life and not my own. Find your voice if you can. Solidarity, as I felt exactly the same and know how hard it is. I just decided to live my own life, whether he liked it or not. He is now, somewhat reluctantly, spending more time in my home country with me now we’ve retired. I got to the stage that I was more than happy to leave him and go back on my own. He got a real shock as, because he was quite happy, he never gave a thought as to how strongly I felt and how unhappy I was. Even though I told him, he ignored it. I’m not really over that and quietly resent him. I could easily leave him behind now to be honest. I feel bad when I see it written down but he hasn’t felt bad about the damage it’s done to us over the years so, fuck it, it’s my life and I’m going to get some autonomy over it now.

OP it sounds to me like your needs and aspirations always come last and that your husband got to do everything his own way and is not willing to accept that you are unhappy.

That's not a partnership...

I think you need to start considering whether this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

In your shoes I would acknowledge that you will never be happy in your current location and that is is stifling you and your work and social opportunities.

If your husband keeps ignoring your needs then maybe it is time to move from that relationship and get a fresh start for you and your kids somewhere else.

All the therapy in the world is not going to help if what you really need is take control of your life and make some tough decisions.

I retrained at 50. Got the job of my dreams. Ended up fired 2 years later despite having built an amazing team and being a top performer. No idea why.

Decided to build my own company and I’m absolutely having the time of my life. Now if we could just make a profit! Our sales cycle is long and I’m lucky I can afford to continue.

So I’d say there are advantages to being over 50 and there are areas, for example consulting, where it’s a good thing. So maybe rethink your career. I get to travel quite a bit for conferences too. Which I really enjoy.

I spent a lot of time with ChatGPT thrashing out what I did and didn’t want.

What's really helpful in the replies is seeing that others have been or still are in this situation too, and the range of examples of what has worked. These are excellent, thoughtful responses. I'm really grateful.

Over the past couple of years I've taken gratitude, submission to the life force, understanding that I'm '51, love' and talking therapies/SSRIs as far as they can go. Though the advice about online CBT is useful - thank you!

I'll raise couples counselling again.

I've partly been feeling stuck because every option has obvious downsides as well as upsides, and I've lost trust in the idea that making a commitment and putting my energy behind something will pay off, because it hasn't. But I guess I have to set that fear aside to move on.

My husband would not agree to me moving to another city or country with the children.

Thanks for the update! Can I add one thing that has been super helpful for me is running. I started running and trail running too and go six days a week. It's really given me a sense of drive and purpose somehow I feel like I'm achieving something.

No wonder all the 'submitting to the lifeforce' isn't making a difference. You are in his world, his decisions, his country. You seem to be avoiding this aspect of the comments, probably because you don't want it to be true or rock the boat in your marriage, but unfortunately a relationship is a dynamic between two people and for you to have more of the life you like, he will also have to adapt a bit. Or a lot. Or indeed divorce. Or decide not to and to adjust what you have.

It seems like you want couple's counselling to fix the marriage by telling him he's self-centred and got main character syndrome (which he has) and that then he'll see that he needs to be working for both of you to be happy, but couple's counselling isn't going to change him, it can tinker with your negotiation style, but he doesn't sound up for change.

This is why men never see the divorce coming. You are signalling your discontent like crazy, he's ignoring it and setting rules of where and how you can live and you've only just noticed life isn't going to be infinite and it isn't going to change unless you do something.

I've seen friends go through this, a couple have divorced, one's decided to live her own life and return to her home country more often and accept her (fairly narcissistic) husband for who he is, but make sure her own need for her home country, sociability and a nice life are met.