To want my ex's new partner to keep to his weekends watching our son's football?

[SweetPinkPeas]

My ex husband and I have an 8-year-old son. We co-parent, and my ex has been with his new partner for around 18 months. I am yet to meet her.
Our marriage ended following years of emotional abuse and intimidating behaviour from my ex. There have also been angry confrontations since we separated, which have been upsetting for both me and our son. I'm in a much better place now, but the history inevitably affects how I feel about boundaries with him.
He is pushing for his partner to start attending our son's football matches. A year ago, when this first came up, she apparently acknowledged that I might prefer some events to remain between the parents. I've now said I'm happy for her to attend matches on my ex's weekends with our son, but I'd prefer to keep my own weekends and time with our son separate from her.
I'm not against her being in our son's life at all. I'd like to build a positive relationship with her and have offered to meet her for a coffee, just the two of us, away from football and my ex. I want us to have a respectful relationship, but I'm not ready for our parenting time to become increasingly blended and now the subject has been brought up again.
If I agree to her attending on my weekends, it will become the expectation at other events too.
I appreciate that football is a public event and I can't control who turns up. I'm talking about what I feel comfortable with and the expectations around our weekends.
AIBU to want to keep our weekends separate while still being open to building a relationship separately with his new partner?

How is your sons relationship with her?

I wouldn't like it either, but I would be prepared to put those feelings aside if it made my son feel more secure about the whole blended family thing.

Just say yep sure. If she does show up, politely acknowledge her if/when appropriate, otherwise keep your distance. If she wants to spend her weekends standing around watching someone else's kid play football, more fool her!

I think I would just say hi and stand somewhere else. The bigger support network for your son the better. If she’s nice and kind to your son and they have a positive relationship I wouldn’t try to block it, especially at an open event you can be completely separate from them from if you chose to. It sounds like she’s here to stay, I’d just roll with it.

I think you may as well say yes and be the bigger person because ultimately they haven't needed to listen to you thus far when it comes to not bringing her, but they have. That will stop soon if you keep saying no, and then you'll be more annoyed because she's there against your request.

Do you sit with your ex while watching the football?

As a parent who spends weekends freezing my t*ts off watching children's rugby it seems bonkers to me that she would want to when your son isn't staying with your ex!

I think what you have said previous is entirely reasonable! Stick to that of well on your weekends fine but what's the point on my weekends and I highly doubt she wants to freeze either watching children's football but your ex is pushing it.

It sounds like your ex is trying to control aspects again. Your boundary has been clear and reasonable you don't need to explain it any further or say your uncomfortable etc. A breezy what you do on your weekends with son is up to you my weekends I will be attending.

I bet she doesn’t want to come really.

I agree he’s probs trying to control the narrative again, not rising to it all will annoy him if anything.

Hi - fellow co-parent here although DD is much younger.

What is your normal custody situation? Is it 50/50? Or does dad just have him every other weekend? Do you both attend the football every weekend regardless of who’s weekend it is?

I think it’s fair enough to say you aren’t comfortable right now and meet for coffee. If you get along then see how it goes. But my question is, if you attend the football every weekend regardless of who’s week it is, how does it make a difference which weeks she attends? Sorry I’m just trying to get a sense of the arrangement and the boundaries.

You are absolutely entitled to whatever boundaries make you comfortable, you are no longer married to him and you do not need to accommodate him. That said, he might be better company and better behaved if his partner is there.

I have a partner and I’m pretty sure my ex has a partner but neither of us has said anything. I know my DD sees this woman because she talks about her, but equally she sees my partner too so that makes us even!

Is your ex doing this to wind you up, because I also find it strange that she would want to spend every weekend at a football match watching someone else's child. Just pretend you don't care.

I was thinking that.
Given your ex's history of emotional abuse and intimidating behaviour it wouldn't surprise me at all if he is the driving force behind this request.
Personally i think you should keep your weekends seperate and say no to her.

So you both (you and ex) attend the football matches, regardless of who has your son that weekend?

It seems like a weird hill to die on tbh, because, as you acknowledge, you can’t control it. And also there is no fundamental difference between the three of you all being present on a weekend where you brought your son and will take him home, and the three of you being present when your ex has him that weekend.

I also imagine this isn’t going to be that much of an issue - who really wants to watch children playing football while standing around a cold pitch when you could be having a lie in?? I doubt she’ll come that often.

Only a mother's love had me standing in gale force winds and lashing rain mid winter to watch mine. I can't imagine volunteering to do that for an unrelated child, she might change her mind quickly, winter is on the way!
I don't think I'd be too happy about it either though, if you're anything like me I had built good friendships with the other mums, we all used to go out together so that would have been a bit odd, a new partner coming along. Why can't you just have alternate weekends?

This is why I wouldn’t say no.

He knows she can’t control it, so he knows he can pretend to ask, get a no, and then turn up anyway to upset her.

I’d agree in a way that said it was no odds to me what she did (although it may be too late for that attitude to ring true).

She probably won’t come very often, and the ex has no power that would come from knowing he’s gone against her wishes by bringing his girlfriend.

Yes I can see the logic in that @MellowSubmarine

He’s just manipulating her like he did you OP.

I used to stand happily on the side of the pitch freezing my tits off to watch my own ds...I'm amazed this woman wants to do this when she doesn't have to. It's cold and usually early...maybe see it as a positive that your ds has another adult in their life who wants to cheer them on.

Ideally it would probably be more sensitive of her to take a step back but in the grand scheme of things I don't think this is the hill to die on.

If you say no, he'll probably turn up with her anyway, just to annoy you. Therefore I'd be tempted to say it's fine and if she comes, just smile and say hello and then move away and chat to other parents and stand elsewhere. More fool her if she wants to get up early and stand in the cold watching someone's kid play football!

I don’t think you have to meet her for coffee (unless it’s to warn her what he’s like!), just be friendly and respectful when you meet.

I think it’s completely fair to keep football weekends separate. You go on your weekends and him and his girlfriend go on his. You don’t need to all go every week.

More fool her really if she wants to spend every weekend watching her boyfriend’s son play football!

What does your son want?

It’s just perpetuating the feud really. Ask DS. Most dc like parents to get along. You want the divisions to stay. I’d just let them go gracefully but you cannot control them.

As others have said, totally bizarre that she would want to do this. I wonder if your ex likes to control her and have her in his sight at all times.

As you can't really stop her attending you perhaps may as well say yes, though I can see why you are uncomfortable with it. The whole thing sounds weird.

She may not be around forever. Hopefully she will get wise to his controlling ways, for her sake.

Meanwhile just be proud of yourself for escaping this awful man.

Does your ex attend every match?

If not, it’s very weird that she wants to go without your ex being there.

If he does go every weekend then I guess this could be her trying to show her support and if DH is going anyway then she might as well come along too type thing.

I’m assuming this is a public field and so you cannot stop her from going and I’d worry you trying to ‘ban’ her is going to cause unnecessary issues.

What other events are you referring to?

Our marriage ended following years of emotional abuse and intimidating behaviour from my ex.

He is pushing for his partner to start attending our son's football matches.

Based on what you said above @SweetPinkPeas, my guess is that your Ex is up to his old tricks. As others have said, I doubt very much that his new partner wants to spend her weekends on the sidelines watching his child play.

I agree.

I'd just say its fine. It wont last long once she's been stuck out in the mud and rain on a Sunday morning.

I dont even go to my own sons matches. That's firmly a blue job in our house. I'll prep salads and desserts to take along to the end of season presentation (In the summer. When it's warm!)