To want my ex's new partner to keep to his weekends watching our son's football?

[SweetPinkPeas]

My ex husband and I have an 8-year-old son. We co-parent, and my ex has been with his new partner for around 18 months. I am yet to meet her.
Our marriage ended following years of emotional abuse and intimidating behaviour from my ex. There have also been angry confrontations since we separated, which have been upsetting for both me and our son. I'm in a much better place now, but the history inevitably affects how I feel about boundaries with him.
He is pushing for his partner to start attending our son's football matches. A year ago, when this first came up, she apparently acknowledged that I might prefer some events to remain between the parents. I've now said I'm happy for her to attend matches on my ex's weekends with our son, but I'd prefer to keep my own weekends and time with our son separate from her.
I'm not against her being in our son's life at all. I'd like to build a positive relationship with her and have offered to meet her for a coffee, just the two of us, away from football and my ex. I want us to have a respectful relationship, but I'm not ready for our parenting time to become increasingly blended and now the subject has been brought up again.
If I agree to her attending on my weekends, it will become the expectation at other events too.
I appreciate that football is a public event and I can't control who turns up. I'm talking about what I feel comfortable with and the expectations around our weekends.
AIBU to want to keep our weekends separate while still being open to building a relationship separately with his new partner?

I would let her. Save your fight for a bigger battle

Im a bit confused. Does ex attend every week too or is she coming on her own? If she’s coming with him I think you’re being a bit ridiculous tbh. If she’s wanting to come on her own I would also say pick your battles. It’s a nice thing she’s taking an interest as long as she’s being polite and not confrontational or anything. You don’t have to stand with him or her if it causes you angst.

Just say yes, I doubt she really wants to go anyway. They are probably only after a row. Don't give them one, that'll really annoy them

Does your ex attend the matches on your weekends? If so, then things are already not ‘separate’ in the sense that you are describing and she might as well come too. But if he means just for her to attend, that is a little odd, unless in his mind this is about the two of them being represented and supporting your son. You might find she isn’t all that happy with this arrangement anyway!
I get where you are coming from, but in actual fact it’s good for kids to see the adults together and getting on in this sort of situation. So I don’t think I could lose sleep over this.

Do you think your son wants her there? Does your ex attend on your weekends or is she wanting to come on her own to watch him play?

So, for example, your son has a weekend with you, then a weekend with dad.

He has football every weekend. You want to go to every match and so does DH.

You don't need permission to go on "his weekend" or to bring your mum, sister, new boyfriend, or best mate. Nor does he from you.

I find it bit weird and intrusive that you both turn up on each others weekends when you clearly don't like each other - do you stand with each other? Is this really about DS wanting you both there, or neither of you wanting to give in, so to speak.

If you're at one end of the pitch, why is it any different if your ex is stood on his own, elsewhere on the sidelines, or with three mates and his girlfriend? Same for you. You're not going there to be with each other. You're watching a match. Is it that he'll have a partner there and you won't?

My ex husbands girlfriend turns up to my children’s sports matches. She has two kids of her own and does this even on her free weekend.

also instead of having one to one time with one of her kids when she can she drags them to the side of a pitch to watch my kids.

i find it weird, obsessive of her and find her very insecure and controlling, but there’s nothing I can do so don’t let it work me up. If she has no other life and/or doesn’t want to take time for herself or a 1:1 with her own child, it isn’t me missing out!

Exactly this !
View it from the perspective of this poor woman watching because confining ex who you have escaped said so!

If you say yes it does give you control. You’re the mum and you’re never going to be replaced. However I fully understand this would be jarring and I’m sorry !

My siblings now partner attends EVERY event of DN because my sibling wants her there. I feel so sorry for ex SIL! But I am so pleased her now takes her new man along !

does new partner have kids ??

I’m a step mother - I only attend my step children’s events when I’ve been invited. I don’t expect to have an open invite to every sport or school event.

What’s being asked by your ex sounds like they have a performative relationship. It doesn’t sound healthy. She may be in the same place you were with him and might just be trying to keep the peace between them.

It could also be your partner stirring the pot.

I think you’re in a tough position because if you say no, it will be more angry standoffs. If you say yes, it could creep into everything.

You are going to have to pick your battles. You never know - you might get on with her. My mother in law has grown a dislike to me because I am in good terns with my husbands ex wife. She’s not my best mate - but she’s also not my enemy. She knows I love the kids.

For a while when things were contentious between her and my husband because he can be a bit of a twat sometimes - I would be the peacemaker. This is also a possibility for your relationship with her - if she is on your side then she will influence him these situations.

You could use this to your advantage.

Reading between the lines, it sounds as if you’re more concerned about other social events organised at the football club, and the friendship groups that you’ve made on the sidelines with the other parents. That’s more of an insecurity thing on your behalf. Perfectly understandable. It can be very difficult when new partners get involved, but ultimately you need to think about your son first. The more genuinely caring and interested people in his life, the better it will be for him. IF he says that he’s not happy with an arrangement, that’s the battle to fight. Her attending football matches shouldn’t affect other areas of your PRIVATE life, such as birthday parties etc; but it will probably mean that you all attend other footballing events at the same time. It doesn’t sound as if they were APs so give her a chance. You might even like her.

Step parent here. Albeit of 13 years. Happily stand on the side of the pitch every weekend and also take him football training when DH cannot (although that tends to be their thing together as I think it’s important him and his dad get one on one time) I am heavily invested and even sponsor his team, so, yeah, some of us step parents do do so willingly, but I have been in his life a super long time.

Some of the women I have met through this were friends with SS mum (that’s how he got on the team), but I have also made a lot of good friends who didn’t know her too as the team has changed and evolved over the years and have introduced his mum to them when she’s free and can come to watch.

That being said, SS mum is usually working so my DH and her ex Husband do all the football stuff with their respective sons.

Slightly different arrangement too in the sense there has been no abuse on any side and, as much as her and my DH separated shortly after SS birth her breakdown of relationship with her ex Husband was only a couple of years ago.

We actually can, on occasion, end up all in the same place at the same time thanks to football. Her, her boyfriend, us, her ex husband and his girlfriend (who my DH happened to know before they met) and we all just get on with it. It’s easier for me as it’s been years so I can stand and have a full conversation with SS mum and think nothing of it these days, but other relationships in this whole thing mean it’s sometimes just a hi and move along to the people you want to speak to between everyone. The great thing is a pitch and the sidelines are long!

I am in the camp of not showing him he has any power in this situation, but fully appreciate that’s not easy, especially given your situation.

However, I want to be clear, this doesn’t mean I am turning up for anything else and, even after all this time, it’s not appropriate for me to be at certain things in my eyes. All school related things and anything else that is more involved are between my DH and SS mum, I am not there for options, careers evening, etc etc etc. I am not his parent. I love him dearly, especially having been so involved as he has grown up given the ages we’ve been through together, but I have respect for the fact that certain things he just needs his mum and dad there, not a full squad 😂.

I think this. He’s keeping her from having her own life / plans over the football period.

Id let her come and then ask her why, like saying

“oh wow you’re such a good person standing out here in the cold every week, I’d never do that for someone else’s kid”

“Must be such a morning person. Don’t you fancy a lie in sometime?”

“EX can be funny about doing things separately can’t he, make sure you don’t close down your own life to suit him”

Basically kill her with kindness and help her not get trapped by him.

I don't think you can dictate what someone else does with their time. It's not for you to tell her she can't turn up. I understand that you don't like it but surely that's just one of the things we have to accept in life?

He’s trying to play off he’s a good involved dad instead of an abusive arse , it’s all smoke and mirrors , let her come be polite he wants a huge reaction off you , don’t give it

How nice that she wants to watch him, and lovely for him that both his parents and his "stepmum" are interested in his football playing which is probably a big part of his life if my own boys are anything to go by! It bodes well, OP and hopefully you'll have a good relationship with her.
however I totally get why you'd want to keep the weekends separate. Hopefully she's reasonable enough to understand. Surely she wouldn't really want to watch him every single week! Especially in the depths of winter 😄

Your ex is pushing this, not her.

You can't stop them and her turning up to watch. So you need to practice being entirely unbothered. He is just trying to find ways to get at you. The only thing that will make him stop is if he isn't getting the reaction you want?

Can you get a friend or family member to come with you so the first time, you just say hello politely and then go and stand and chat separately with your friend/family? Or are your friends with any of the other parents there and can ask?

Has this actually come from her because believe me I wouldn't even be going to watch my own child play football let alone someone else's. Maybe this is just ur ex trying to be in control.

I dont even want to watch my own kids play their team sports (I do and smile).

I don't understand why on earth she would want to tbh

it's good and she sounds like a lovely person, thanks for your comment, you have a point

Oh gosh, this is a strange one, well done for navigating this and not letting it get to you

No it's not that at all. It's the idea of bonding with someone who is bonded to the man that abused me is a tough concept. Yes I will probably like her, but knowing deep down how he really is makes me feel sorry for her.

Ultimately your DS is going to feel much less anxious if he sees that his mum and dad plus dad’s GF can be civil together.
You don’t need to bond with her - be polite, say hello, say goodbye. Meeting her for coffee just sounds a bit earnest.

Yes he only has him every other weekend, and I never go to matches on his weekend with our DS. My ex attends all DS matches regardless.

Agreed. Yes that's a good idea, thank you for your comment

This. Just agree breezily and give your best Oscar winning performance of not being bothered. It'll probably last a few weeks max if you can keep it up till then.