You should ask to see grandchildren

[hedgerow8]

AIBU to think that you should proactively ask/arrange to see grandchildren vs. wait to be asked to come and see them.
In mine and my friends experiences our ILs are quite passive when it comes to arranging to come and see our young kids

My DIL gave me a key when they bought their house, and said to drop in whenever I want. So I do. Not that often though. I don't want to outstay my welcome! 😀

Little bit of both is ideal really so nobody feels unwelcome and nobody feels like they're doing all the chasing.

Depends on your relationships before the children were born. Mostly I find that whatever was typical previously continued unless there were other changes such as grandparents moving to be available.

My MIL would rather play golf and see my SILs children, I’m not gonna force a relationship if she can’t be arsed

I think sometimes grandparents hang back a bit because they don't want to intrude / aren't sure what would fit with their grandchildren's activities etc. But it can also be because they aren't bothered / can't be arsed!

I think it should work both ways. My parents would proactively arrange, offer, suggest days out and holiday etc. but DPs parents less so. He doesn’t do much arranging though so it ends up that we don’t see them much. I do try and arrange to see my parents though as I don’t want them to feel they’re always asking and I’m not bothered so I offer to pick things up from the supermarket for them etc. the ideal imo is both sides feel that they enjoy and want time together.

I stay in touch with DPs parents but don’t want to take on the wife work of managing the entire relationship partly as I don’t quite understand the “rules” they have in their family (norms really I suppose) and because I manage a lot of other stuff so don’t have a lot of spare capacity. But I’m always happy to drive over, have them here and cook for them etc.

We do a bit of each. I get invited over to theirs and I invite them to my house. It’s all very relaxed.

On another issue,I love my DIL so much she is an amazing mother, and possibly the most caring person I have ever met.

This is really lovely. You must have a really good relationship ❤️.

Yes, both sides need to invite and offer.

We tend to see ils every 3-5 weeks. Usually one or other side will get in touch. My parents I visit weekly they see kids every few months

I think the opposite. Grandparents have ooodles of free time and so them arranging visits and days out is a bit presumptious. I think it is down to the parents who know their and their kids schedules to suggest good times and outings to the grandparents who then should move their schedules around to accommmodate.

It entirely depends on the family doesn’t it, and there’s often no win.
Proactively ask/arrange to see them and you are pushy and intrusive .
Wait to be asked and you are disinterested.
Best to agree an approach that works for your family.

But if they do, they’re overbearing and interfering…

It's up to your parents and ILs what they do.

-Are they still working?
-Do they have animals that need caring for?
-Do they have chronic illnesses or caring responsibilities?
-Do they just have a busy life or simply are not keen on the baby/toddler stage?
-How many grandchildren do they have?
-Do they find travelling difficult.

All relevant. No hard & fast rules. A bit of give and take is generally needed.

Many grandparents don’t have oodles of time, they have a lot to pack in before they either become too frail, or they die.

There's a bit of give and take needed but you need to make them feel welcome if you want them to come, and inviting them is a natural part of that. Lots of GPs are aware young families are busy people and don't want to impose.

It's a real shame if one party thinks they are politely respecting their child's diary & autonomy and the other interprets that as them not being arsed. In this situation I don't think the fault is solely or mainly on the GP. If course with families there can be much more complex dynamics at play too.

Grandparents do not always have oodles of free time. We have to work until we're 67; and in a lot of cases we still have our own elderly parents to think about too. We're not all sat at home knitting/pottering in the garden tending the roses

It depends on the relationship

Mil and I had a bit of a mixture when the children were small. As they grew older and mils health declined. I did most of the asking collecting and arranging as mil no longer was able.

Sorry what? I do agree with your central point that parents suggesting times is a good idea but you lost me on GPs having oodles of free time and being expected to move their diaries to accommodate. When did the rest of their lives stop mattering?

It depends on the type of relationship the family has. For some asking=pushy/overbearing for others it is what they expect.

I am very close to my ILs, we have keys to each others houses and my DMIL helps with School drop off/pick ups and childcare, my DF also helps during holidays and often calls to take our younger boys to the football at weekend it's lovely. We have and do holiday with the ILs too. Not all been easy though we have and do have our moments but in all honesty they are a godsend. My own DM however, different story, she was very involved when my DS's were young but I feel now has lost much interest in them. She makes no effort to visit or call/text she seems to think that all must fall to me to do so in turn I have also just stepped back, no fall out but the bond and relationship just isn't what I hoped for, I love my mum and I know she loves me and her DGC but she is very much more involved in my brothers DC's lives than mine, that's just how it is I guess.

Depends on to many factors likes personalities, relationships, commitments ect

I thought according to Mumsnet, grandparents should remain locked in a cupboard and only come out to babysit on demand and to buy specifically authorised presents………

It massively depends on family dynamics.

My DS had 2 GP who died in their 80’s before he was born. He is now 5 and his 2 surviving GP are nearer 90 than 80 so their relationships with him are hardly likely to be very proactive from their side of things. I very much doubt they are going to want to take him on holiday!

Oh gosh, there just isn't a one size fits all answer to this. My mum adores my daughter, but she always waits to be invited to stay or to be included in family moments. I think she views it as being respectful of our family unit and not overstepping.
That's okay with me because I understand her reasoning and I know she means well. But I can appreciate in another family with different personalities it could be mistaken for indifference.