You should ask to see grandchildren

[hedgerow8]

AIBU to think that you should proactively ask/arrange to see grandchildren vs. wait to be asked to come and see them.
In mine and my friends experiences our ILs are quite passive when it comes to arranging to come and see our young kids

This covers it.

It’s going to depend on the individuals involved, surely? DH’s parents are frail. If we want them to see DS, we have to take him to see them.

I wanted my dc to have solid relationships with all their grandparents so I facilitated that and glad I did.

I found, with my parents and in-laws they knew family life with kids was busy so they didn’t want to stress us further by asking, but were always enthusiastic seeing them as they had a strong bond which we initially cultivated.

Unless there are wider issues, this is a non issue . The bigger and common problem is your dh not cultivating the relationship with his dc and his parents. It is often left to to women so this is why there is a problem or inequality in the in-laws grandparents relationships.

It's impossible to get it right as a MIL!!
Ask and being too pushy / demanding.
Don't ask and not being interested enough.

Best if everyone is just honest and straight with one another IME.

I think the parents manage all relationships with the children till the children are old enough to do it themselves. You set the tone and you make it work or fail. Personally I think a strong bond with the wider family is more important than wealth or indeed endless afterschool clubs. The important thing is to do what you think suits your family not what everyone else does.

On Mumsnet, yes but in real life no. In my experience most families get along pretty well with give and take on both sides. I don’t know any MIL like the ones often portrayed on here.

Agree. Really pisses me of when IL's say they don't get to see their GC when they literally make absolutely no effort.

Compared to full time work plus parenting young kids, they have oodles of time.

That's the sweetest compliment a Dil could hope for ❤️

Ok, poor choice of words on my part, but the grandparent stage of life almost always means more free time than when working full time with young children.

That shows you care about the grandkids. Grandparent schedules have more flexibility, similar to child free couples.

I would never ask to be invited to someone else’s home? I would wait for an invite or invite them to me/out somewhere

That.

I am constantly aware that my DD and son in law are busy. They have jobs, they have friends, their free time is limited. So I rarely if ever invite myself or ask anything of them as I imagine it would be irritating.

I do touch base with my kids at the end of the week and show interest in their weekends, and indicate whether I'm around. That leads to either chats about their plans or one or both suggesting a meet up or a coffee. I have the grandchildren occasionally for childcare or just a treat, the latter often being led by the grandkids asking.

I think that by now they know that I love their company and that of the grandchildren, so hopefully it works without putting pressure on them. But I do know that it's a tightrope, so I rarely actually ask outright for their time.

This is actually really interesting to see didn’t points of view! I’ve known my MIL for a very long time and we’ve always had a good relationship but she does tend to keep a bit of a wall up, whereas I’m very where my heart on my sleeve. In my view I’ve always made her feel very welcome and made a lot of effort and she’s always done the same for me; but since GC has come along she’s really taken a step back and it seems like she is assuming the stereotypical MIL role vs the woman I’ve known for many years. She never suggests 1:1 time with GC and definitely no days out. If we see her there are usually all the other GC around and she counts it as her time seeing our child.

That very much depends on the ages of the parents and grandparents. Many grandparents are still working full time so it's very much a balancing act between all parties.

Yes agree. And whether great grandparents are still alive.

She’ll come to us if we invite her, But she doesn’t suggest a time or any days out.she’s early retired and goes on many holidays and does a lot of activities.

Sorry what? I do agree with your central point that parents suggesting times is a good idea but you lost me on GPs having oodles of free time and being expected to move their diaries to accommodate. When did the rest of their lives stop mattering?

This. That statement greatly irked me too. Some grandparents have full time jobs and even if not, have their own plans and jobs in the home and errands to run and others to consider let alone grabbing a bit of leisure time for themselves.
Oodles of spare time indeed. I wish.

We have to work until we're 67; and in a lot of cases we still have our own elderly parents to think about too

I think it's called the sandwich generation. Stuck in the middle of demands from both children and parents. It's wearing. Oodles of spare time!!

Depends on the culture within the family, whether it's relaxed and inclusive or more distant and formal, plus how involved the GP is encouraged to be.
In my family, as the grandparent I'm just part of things, so I don't need to ask to see my GC. I see them automatically because they and my DC are in and out of my house and i theirs (though the second to a lesser extent as I'm more concious of their privacy) they invite me on trips, or I them. I look after GC on a regular basis, take them to activities etc. Like an extra sort of deputy parent.
If this wasn't the case then I'd try to walk the line between putting in the effort to spend time with my GC, and being an intrusion on their parents. A line that's different for everyone I guess.

My MIL had an overbearing MIL so it took us a while to get her to be comfortable asking!
I also don't agree that grandparents necessarily have more free time, many are still working and looking after elderly relatives.

Am I misunderstanding something here? Are grandparents who have presumably worked and brought up kids for decades not allowed to have lives of their own and have to sit at home, twiddling their thumbs to be at the beck and call of their own children?

Any good relationship should have a basis of respect and two way communication. I never understand the albeit small minority on here who seem to think grandparents should not be allowed to go on holiday or have any life of their own and should be available 24/7 at the drop of a hat should their own children need them

What about grandparents who are already carers, either for their own parents or their spouse? What about grandparents who are still working? What about grandparents who have slowed down themselves due to health issues? What about grandparents who volunteer? What about grandparents who have spent their whole lives caring and working and are now busy doing hobbies and having holidays.

Grandparents do not have oodles of time.

We see our grandchildren very often. We do school pick ups once a week for both sets of grandchildren. We also do school holiday stays etc. We have been looking after them since they were young. To answer your question OP, our children did not ask as we offered. We have a wonderful relationship with our grandchildren but I appreciate they may not want to come and see us when they get older. Looking after them does not stop us from going out or having many holidays a year. The other Grandparents will simply double up as we do when they are on holiday.
Grandparents will come on here and say that they have done their time and they do
not want to look after grandchildren but still expect the same relationship. I don’t think that is possible unless you see them often. I think grandchildren are more comfortable with grandparents who have looked after them a lot even when they are ill or having a tantrum.

Yes, and from a practical perspective, both sides get to set the agenda from time to time that way.

I always make sure we invite for important occasions such as birthdays etc, because if I don't, the grandparents will issue invites to stuff that's not convenient, which my husband will then struggle to reject.

If both of you set up events to suit you, then you get a good variety of effort put in.