You should ask to see grandchildren

[hedgerow8]

AIBU to think that you should proactively ask/arrange to see grandchildren vs. wait to be asked to come and see them.
In mine and my friends experiences our ILs are quite passive when it comes to arranging to come and see our young kids

My PILs are definitely not shy about saying when they feel they haven't seen GC for a while, but then (despite the fact that DH and I work full time and they are retired), it's their diary that always makes visits difficult! They used to go on 6 or 7 holiday a year - that has dropped to maybe 1-2 now as they are older. But now they are less keen on making the 2 hour journey to us and always want us to go to them. Their house is dirty, cluttered and opens onto a 60 mph road with no gates, so taking DC there is actually pretty stressful. Plus they never seem to actually want to do anything with them when we get there.
MIL has a tendency to fixate on how often we see my family vs how often we see them which I find frustrating as I reckon we see PILs.

My MIL comes round if she misses her grandkids 😂 We generally try to do a mix of inviting her to do stuff with us (go out for lunch, come round for dinner etc) and unplanned visits

Wow. That really is lovely.

A lot of grandparents (inc me).still work full time. . I am 59 and still have an elderly parent(s) and need to help them too.. i have 7 gdc and we see them a lot. We have no time for ouselves. DH works 7 days per week. Not all granparents are old with lots of free time. !

That’s a rather factless sweeping generalisation.

Doesn't it just follow on from the relationship they have with their child?

If your in-laws are unbothered about seeing their own son and have never made an effort to suggest times to see him, then it seems unlikely that they will suddenly change their approach for grandchildren. And if they did, it would seem very hurtful for their son that they were not interested in him but only his children?

Do you and your dh not like seeing your parents? I go over with the kids whenever I can and dh does the same

AmberTigerEyes
Compared to full time work plus parenting young kids, they have oodles of time.

and probably less energy!! (I’m adding twenty/ thirty years onto where I am now and guessing it’ll be tough for me to muster up energy for much- I have arthritis, bad knees, bad back and I’m only mid 40s!!)

Is it factless? If both parents are working full time with young children they will have less spare time than retired grandparents surely?

Nah. Holidays and hobbies take up far more time...

That's the best way, but a lot don't. I'm a mum of young kids so obviously can't answer as a grandparent, but I would say that some DILs seem to get angry about being asked about visits, but also angry if in-laws show up without asking, and then moan that grandma X doesn't make the effort to see her grandkids. Most of us aren't like this, but I've come across some, and when I ask well what do you expect her to do, they can't answer!
I'd say the best thing is for the family to meet regularly before kids, so you all know each well, and I've always gone out my way to try to make sure all the family feel welcome by getting in the drinks they like etc, but as grandparents on average have more free time than young parents (less likely to have their own young kids, and less likely to work FT and have caring responsibilities for other people), it's best for mum and dad to set the schedules, so I don't feel it's wrong to tell them when it's best to visit, but I obviously respect they do have things to do too.
So if I'm ever a grandparent, I'd say to them to tell me, within reason, when to come.

Yes it’s factless . Some grandparents are still working, caring for elderly parents, helping with other grandchildren ,managing health problems , or dealing with other responsibilities , some are raising grandchildren themselves . And even if grandparents are retired they can have very full lives with their own responsibilities. So some grandparents can be stretched for time just the same as parents. Neither groups time should be dismissed .

All the grandparents I know are working full-time, plus caring for their own elderly parents in their 80s and 90s who often seem to live hundreds of miles away. It’s not at all easy for them. In general, I would expect them to be invited round to see their grandchildren, but with some “We’d like to come and visit. When would be good?” thrown in for good measure. I’m not a grandparent.

I’m a grandparent, as others have said, still working, caring for my own elderly mother and Ds and family live nearly 3 hours away. They usually come and stay for a few days every school holiday and I message every 2-3 weeks asking when would be a good time to come down for the day, we just communicate and are flexible, I don’t insist on seeing DGD on her actual birthday if it doesn’t fit in with the birthday celebration they chose, it feels like we have the balance right.

My kids are nearly all grown up now. My MIL has been great like this, in contact regularly and asking if they can stay with her on certain dates and was flexible, including when she was still working. She has a brilliant, loving relationship with the kids. My parents haven’t been interested, and did have expectations that we should be hosting them regularly with no effort from themselves. They don’t know the kids. They’ve recently mentioned this fact, and sadly for them, I think they had plenty of opportunity but didn’t invest anything in the relationship.

I take exception to that. I don't have oodles of "free" time, despite being recently retired. After working for 40 plus years, DH and I are having some down time and catching-up with old friends. Plus I am a school governor, still doing the equivalent of one day a week consulting, and we both have caring responsibilities for elderly and frail mothers who are many miles away and have frequent hospital appointments. They are not things that can be easily moved for anyone's convenience or entitlement.

Also, our grandchild is on another continent. We have visited. Thankfully their parents are not entitled.

Most small children are demanding to look after and an extra pair of hands is a bonus I would have thought.

Perhaps she doesn't want to sour the relationship by being intrusive? Of course, a balance is best. I'd rather have your situation than what I lived through, which were endless demands to the point of obsession with my child, infringing on all our weekends, holidays, school days off, etc, and overstepping in general to the point of demanding what my child would wear at visits, ignoring all our parenting rules because "she's our grandchild", not caring if we had plans, illness, work, and getting angry if my child had a playdate and wanted to spend time with other children instead of grandma (who had JUST seen her).

For you, maybe just gently suggest that if she ever wants to see your child on another day, just ask and you will check your schedule.

I think it's a touchy-feel issue with no typical set way that it goes.

So it could be your in-laws are happy with the amount of time they do see your children and don't feel a lack.

Or they might not want to put demands on a young family and think they're being kind to step back and not initiate any requests themselves.

Or something else.

It's really not possible to know without having a discussion with them about it. Or, if you want them to see your kids more, you could request it more often, then gauge their responses.

To be honest can’t understand why anyone is keeping score, we saw our grandparents when we saw them as kids, whether that be once every few years with the set who lived abroad or once every few months with other grandparent, we were in each others thoughts often, it wasn’t about our grandparents constantly having to show a commitment to us. I’m a grandma now and all these expectations these days kind of ruin the whole experience of being a grandparent

I see my adult children regularly so I don’t anticipate that changing when if/when they have DC.

Our mam 80s now however never showed big interest in our kids. They would be polite but dont see her too often... My son works full time now too. People are busier.

Or grandparents like us who still work full time and manage our parents in their old age. I wish I had oodles of time. I do most of the inviting of having grandkids here as that’s what works best for us.

I think it depends. SIL complains nobody spends enough time or effort with DNs (grandparents and aunts/uncles). The problem is, whenever you ask they are busy or don’t want visitors. That’s their prerogative but they shouldn’t really be surprised when others stop asking. If grandparents or other family aren’t making an effort with your DC, first consider if in the past you’ve put them off one too many times.

Do we? I became a grandparent at 41 and I still had young children myself. I am also at the age of 49 still working and dealing with my own problems and health.

so no I don’t have oodles of free time. In now have several grandchildren

My ds had a go at me a few months ago saying I never see his children (not true, I’d just that week did an over nighter at their house, plus other times too. I do wait to be asked now because I’ve lost count of the times I’ve asked to see them or offered, it gets arranged then the night before I check the arrangements and then it’s a no or she’s arranged for her mum to have them which is a bit hurtful but hey it’s her mum and it’s up to her.. my ds and his gf are very chaotic though so I find it easier if they approach me..

I do also ring and ask if I can pop in for a cuppa and see the kids as much as I can with work and my other kids and that can be a bit hit and miss as to whether their in the mood. They never come to mine. (Shrug) it’s just the way it is with us.

i am also very aware of how close ds gf is with her mum and she is there at their house a lot and they go there a lot too, that’s absolutely fine, i just don’t want to make anyone feel awkward or uncomfortable or step on anyone’s toes so I do tend to step back a bit.