Casual man nightmare

[DearPlumMoose]

Feel like I’m going mad! And need some advice please. I’m late 30s and I should know better.

I was casually seeing (mostly just sex but I think there was a little feelings from us both), with a guy for a year let’s call him ‘Dan’. He wanted a break from the sex after his mum died and I agreed, he wasn’t in a good place mentally and we stayed talking everyday as friends and have been close as friends and I tried to be there for him the best I could while he was grieving. I’ve tried to detach a little but he will message me daily, and he will ask to call almost daily.

We are still on said break, I have a friend let’s call him ‘Jake’ who has been interested in me before but I’m not interested in him and the guy I’m on the break from constantly asks me if I’ve seen him or if he’s messaging me etc, and when I’m in the same town as this guy lives in he questions if I’m seeing this guy. If I don’t go on WhatsApp for a whole evening he will assume I’m with a guy. There is nothing going on with this Jake and I’ve told him I don’t see him that way.

This week ‘Dans’ friend contacted me as I saw him in a shop. I mentioned this in passing to ‘Dan’ who then asked me several times if I’m interested in this guy and made some jokes about me hooking up with him. Which today I replied “You know I’m not interested in him don’t you.” And he replied “I wouldn’t care if you were”

And now I’m so confused! I guess I wasn’t expecting him to be so blasé. His actions to me regardless of our history are very contradictory. He acts jealous, he acts like he cares, he’s definitely emotionally attached, he always tells me I’m the only one he feels like he can talk to about things and when we were having sex it was great. But then to just say in a completely non chalant way that he basically wouldn’t care if I got with his friend seems a bit weird given how jealous and how many questions I get about what this friend is messaging me and if I’m interested.

my friends keep telling me he’s an avoidant and he’s pulling away and saying these things when he feels like he’s getting too close to me. But I’m not sure, I feel like that’s the modern day equivalent of “boys are mean to you because they like you” it’s not always the truth!

When this much overthinking is going into it, it's not casual.

Dan sounds like an arse.

See whoever you like and don’t share it with Dan. He sounds like a creep.

I do agree with you, I think I just feel like I’m going mad because he keeps me so close all the time. His actions say one thing and his words another, it has got in my head and I feel like I’m going crazy!

What do YOU want, OP? Do you want to be in a relationship with Dan?

I do agree in many ways which is why I’ve tried to detach. The more contradicting his behaviour the more attached I was becoming to the outcome, I’ve tried to move on a bit from it and see it from the outside but because we speak everyday it’s been tricky I think I need to be firmer with the lessening of communication.

When things are nice between us I think I do but there’s so much push and pulling going on all the time I’m just not sure anymore.

Life is too short to waste it on Dan, or any of his friends.

Send him one last message to say, 'This isn't really going anywhere, mate so all the best and I wish you well in life'.

Then block him.

Your first paragraph nailed it. You are in your 30's and should know better.

I think you need to tell Dan that you would either rather just remain friends or cut ties with him. Sounds like he's messing with your head as a romantic partner

Avoidant aka an emotionally immature dick. Run.

It sounds like Dan likes having you around as a fwb and occasionally throws you a bit of affection or pretends to be jealous just to keep you thinking there’s the chance for more. He texts you everyday and you’ve been supporting him through a bereavement but you aren’t dating? Nah he’s having the best of both worlds. Ditch!

Tell him how you feel, Plum. Ask him to be completely honest with you about how he feels and if he does want a relationship with you.

If he doesn't then on you go.

Exactly. it's not that complicated. He's a former FWB. He hasn't stuck a 'reserved' sticker on you. You don't owe him an explanation of who you might be having sex with.

And, as I seem to say again and again on these threads, it doesn't matter whether or not 'Dan' wants to call you daily -- you get to refuse. He's a former fuckbuddy now using you as his emotional support animal now that he no longer wants to have sex with you. For God's sake stop deluding yourself that this means he 'cares', or that his paranoia about who you might be talking to or sleeping with suggests a fund of suppressed feeling. It doesn't. He's just a random getting in your way and preventing you either being happily single or finding a functional relationship.

I'm confused by some of the replies - did you say he just lost his mum 🥺 how long are we allowing the grieving process? I would be a wreck for a while and petty teenage BS would be the last thing I would be thinking about.
But I guess that's just me, or have I missed something?

He is using you and destroying your sense of reality on purpose. Block.

He's not a boyfriend and he's not any kind of a friend with the behaviour you have described. Just cut contact because it's not healthy. You should move on now and do it as soon as you can. Life is happening while this bloke wastes your time.

Just tell him you were in it for the sex, and now he's not having sex with you, there's not a great deal of point in a celibate FWB situation.

But dans a prick? Why can’t he be honest with her? And look at all the red flags. Monitoring her phone usage, the constant accusations about where she is and who she’s talking to and how she’s spending her evenings and who with? They’re not even together and he’s already a jealous control freak

Also the complete using of her as an emotional crutch

Off to the bin with him.

He wants girlfriend level support without him giving you any hint of commitment or anything back. This won’t change if you don’t put your foot down. It’s a great deal for him but he is completely fucking you over.

What do YOU want?

I’d block Dan, he’s a waste of time & energy.

Dan is a controlling creep. Block his ass! What on earth is the appeal in this dynamic?

Byeee Dan. Don’t waste any more of your time. He doesn’t want to commit to anything, yet he wants wife/girlfriend levels of support. He’s offering you nothing in return apart from hassle. And he’s also a controlling jealous freak. Wanting to know where you were and with whom ?! Fuck off Dan!

You have to tell Dan that you are happy to support him as a friend through his grief, but otherwise you can do whatever you like since you are 'on a break'. Who you are or are not seeing is none of his business, you do not have to wait for him he wasn't even a real boyfriend..