Casual man nightmare

[DearPlumMoose]

Feel like I’m going mad! And need some advice please. I’m late 30s and I should know better.

I was casually seeing (mostly just sex but I think there was a little feelings from us both), with a guy for a year let’s call him ‘Dan’. He wanted a break from the sex after his mum died and I agreed, he wasn’t in a good place mentally and we stayed talking everyday as friends and have been close as friends and I tried to be there for him the best I could while he was grieving. I’ve tried to detach a little but he will message me daily, and he will ask to call almost daily.

We are still on said break, I have a friend let’s call him ‘Jake’ who has been interested in me before but I’m not interested in him and the guy I’m on the break from constantly asks me if I’ve seen him or if he’s messaging me etc, and when I’m in the same town as this guy lives in he questions if I’m seeing this guy. If I don’t go on WhatsApp for a whole evening he will assume I’m with a guy. There is nothing going on with this Jake and I’ve told him I don’t see him that way.

This week ‘Dans’ friend contacted me as I saw him in a shop. I mentioned this in passing to ‘Dan’ who then asked me several times if I’m interested in this guy and made some jokes about me hooking up with him. Which today I replied “You know I’m not interested in him don’t you.” And he replied “I wouldn’t care if you were”

And now I’m so confused! I guess I wasn’t expecting him to be so blasé. His actions to me regardless of our history are very contradictory. He acts jealous, he acts like he cares, he’s definitely emotionally attached, he always tells me I’m the only one he feels like he can talk to about things and when we were having sex it was great. But then to just say in a completely non chalant way that he basically wouldn’t care if I got with his friend seems a bit weird given how jealous and how many questions I get about what this friend is messaging me and if I’m interested.

my friends keep telling me he’s an avoidant and he’s pulling away and saying these things when he feels like he’s getting too close to me. But I’m not sure, I feel like that’s the modern day equivalent of “boys are mean to you because they like you” it’s not always the truth!

Why are you in constant daily contact with a casual shag?

First Dan was a casual friend with benefits ,then he decided he no longer wanted the benefits and has become an intrusive friend?!
Whichever way ,its not been a healthy dynamic for you.
A friend who you used to have casual sex with and no longer do has no business commenting on who you see or are attracted to,its non of his business!

Dan is an arse who is using you.
Doesn't want you, doesn't want you with anyone else in case he wants to use you.

Take a break from men and do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk.

You need to learn boundaries, self respect and self worth.

You are vulnerable to be accepting this bullshit.

You deserve better.

Everything is in Dan's favour here isn't it? He decides when to turn on/off the sex tap. He gets to be your own personal emotional vampire but will never give you any attention unless he thinks someone is potentially invading his territory.

Cut him loose.

This!!

Before I even saw this post I was thinking this ish is sounding way too complicated and way too much headspace is being given ti something that’s supposed to be casual

Dan seems to want the GF expereince. Were told (a certain type of) men are only after 1 thing but tbh i find that type of man equally likes fuss and to feel special - just with minimal commitment from him.

If you still like Dan I think you need to talk to him. If you dont I think you need to step back, because he clearly thinks youre testing for a jealously response.

I think you need to make a decision about if you want to be in a relationship with Dannif not you need to end this thing as it's clearly not working or making either of you happy anymore. I feel like Dan wants more but knows you don't and is scared of getting hurt as he has feelings for you qnd that's why he's acting this way. I don't think you can remain friends as he is being too jealous a d possessive and will make it difficult for you to see anyone else. You need to think about what you want and have a frank chat with him one way or the other.

He's a time waster and won't commit. Sad about his mum but it's not really you're problem if he is giving mixed messages. 100% walk away situation. Wishing you joy.

What is you AIBU question? I've no idea which way to vote, so I haven't.

You're being used. Daily contact is either a good friend or a boyfriend, it's not a casual hookup, especially when there's no sex.

My guess, this has nothing to do with grieving. He's using you. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you. He's getting a kick out of stringing you along, that's why he keeps checking to see if he could still have you if he wanted to (ie are you seeing anyone else). You're part of his harem. You've no idea how many others there are. Your role was fuck buddy, now it is currently unpaid counsellor.

Actions speak louder than words. He's being controlling. The constant phone calls aren't just for his daily free therapy, it's so you can't be talking to anyone else because You're talking to him. You're having to explain yourself to him, to get him to shut up about things that are nothing to do with him anyway. You're spending all your time thinking about him even when you're not with him/talking to him, analysing him, doubting yourself, your behaviour and your understanding of what's normal - all of that's classic for domestic abuse victims. He's accusing you of things. Not that there's be anything wrong if you were doing what he's accusing you of, since you're not together and don't owe him anything, even morally. It's borderline stalker-ish, the way he's behaving. He's one step away from kicking off if you date someone else.

I'd back off, massively.
"Have you seen Jake?"
It's none of your business. Did you see the game last night? My team won.
"We're you on a date last night, I saw you weren't on WhatsApp?"
It's none of your business. What are your plans for the weekend?
"Do you fancy my friend/your neighbour/the guy in the corner shop?"
It's none of your business. My sister's had her baby yesterday, huge he was, they're fine.
Etc etc etc

Then watch how fast the conversation turns into a row about how you're definitely seeing someone else and you could at least have told him, why can't you answer a simple question, what are you hiding blah blah blah...As if you're cheating. Even when you've not been on a date and you weren't his committed girlfriend anyway.

Don't justify yourself or explain your life to him, instead ask him why he's so bothered about who you are or are not seeing, when he's not your boyfriend and never wanted to be? He won't have an answer but will probably keep twisting it back onto you and insisting you justify yourself. Just end the conversation if he does that. Then block and ghost.

We need to stop pathologising arseholes. It doesn't matter what's wrong with them, if anything. It's not important. What's important is realising they're behaving like a dickhead and leaving them to it. Such people aren't your friends. Go get on with your life free from other people's angst.

I think you need to get out there and have a few dates with other men, not Jake, Dan, Dan's mate or any of that lot.

I found out the hard way that it’s pointless trying to understand the why behind someone’s hurtful actions. The hurt is enough.

Hard agree.

Its called gaslighting. Tells you he doesn't care who you see but insists on knowing where you are every second of every day. And all the other inconsistencies. Crazy-making. You're feeling the way everyone on the receiving end of gaslighting feels.

I'm confused by some of the replies - did you say he just lost his mum 🥺 how long are we allowing the grieving process? I would be a wreck for a while and petty teenage BS would be the last thing I would be thinking about.
But I guess that's just me, or have I missed something?

What you've missed is that unlike Dan, you don't have the mindset of a domestic abuser @Thecatspantaloons .

exactly.
it all sounds very unhealthy.

detach yourself from all of them.

Don't be friends with a man who wants more than friendship.
Don't have sex with a man who wants even less than sex.
Don't tell men all about the other men who want sex with you.
Life will get a whole lot less nightmarish.

RUN

@DearPlumMoose

This.

Dan sounds controlling. I'd have dumped him the minute he started grilling me about my movements and who I'd spoken to. Been there done that; and it never ends well.

@DearPlumMoose Dan sounds like a dick.

There is a good reason he is single. His jealousy is such a turn off it would make most women run a mile.

I wouldn't bother seeing Dan again.

"We are just friends now. We aren't in a relationship and we don't even have sex anymore, so who I see really hasn't got anything to do with you. If I'm honest, I would like a relationship with you, but you don't want that, so of course I have to pursue other relationships"

This is what I would send.

gosh that must drive you mad!
would me for sure

and how nosy of Dan too

but the real issue here is how long can you tolerate
this man and his behaviour.
is your time being wasted?
is it worth wasting your time like this on him?

you could be treated better.

He doesn’t really want you but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.

I think this is an unhealthy relationship for you. Dan is giving you intermittent reinforcement and that's how trauma bonds form. He's also in daily contact using you for one way emotional support and keeping you off balance and trying to control who you see. This is not an enjoyable FWB you've got here. It's a controlling situation.

I'd be done. This is not going to end up with you in a good place.

my friends keep telling me he’s an avoidant ... But I’m not sure, I feel like that’s the modern day equivalent of “boys are mean to you because they like you”

I see what you mean, but you or your friends are missing the point. Life with an avoidant person's a nightmare. It keeps you off balance, you never know where you're at, and it destroys your confidence.

I agree with your friends. Dan's pulling the jealousy act to create distance and make you work harder to 'prove' you only have eyes for him. It's a nasty, nasty game - and look at what it's already doing to you!

End it, please.

He just wants you available for sex if he fancies it, it’s not complicated, that’s why he’s seeing if there is someone else.