To think I don't know my DH at all

[Cakerose]

We've been together 15+ years, married with kids last 5, I thought we covered all the topics when it comes to values and principles - especially related to the way we raise our children but turns out he was full of it - to put it bluntly.
Essentially, with meeting new kids/parents through nursery/school - I now realise he is very much leaning toward being,well, racist 😔
You would think - how did I not notice this before....well the thing is he was always respectful to friends or colleagues regardless the ethnicity - but now when we discuss behaviour that our child picks up from the nursery from another child - he attributes/explains behaviours with 'well ofcourse this happened considering he is x'.
Then slowly such vocabulary moved into every day conversations about e.g. neighbours - he'd say derogatory things about particular nation based on behaviour of a single person that affects us.
I am just so blindsided and can't stop thinking about how this will shape our children.
How could I have been so blind...or could he had just pretended all this time, and why??
Or can people change their views about something so basic so dramatically?
Recently he started making mean comments about LGBTQ community too - I mean we have friends that he loves or I thought so...
I am also thinking his mum's recent visit may have encouraged him to speak up - clearly these are the values he was brought up with.
I am also ashamed... I am looking at my DS atm sleeping - he is such a warm friendly loving and a smart boy and he is being exposed to comments like this. He loves all his little friends. He was talking proudly about friends he'd like to invite to his bday and his grandma actually asked him what colour is a certain child...she also described a 4 yo girl in the playground as fat.
I am sorry if this is a jumble of topics here - a husband showing true colours years later, a toxic mil, a clash in values, challenge with co-parenting, protecting a child from instilling wrong values...
So is it that I was blind all this time (YANBU) and I just never got to know him - or people actually can just change their core values so drastically (YABU).

So now you know who he really is, what are you going to do about it?

Do you challenge his racist and homophobic comments every time he says anything?

Have you already started a thread about this recently?

How you got here doesn't really matter that much honestly. The only thing that does matter is what you are going to do now to ensure your lovely child doesn't grow up to be bigoted.

He hasn’t always been like that - my guess is he is learning into the reform rhetoric

Ofcourse I do! And he just reinforces his opinion and follows by 'I refuse to take anyone's s* any longer' or something similar...
And I don't know what am I going to do tbh, when it comes to my feelings towards my DH - I am sad, disappointed, angry and exhausted all at the same time.

But is it really possible...to change views so dramatically? I literally do not recognise him...

This would give me the serious ick. I'd have. Proper sit down chat with him about his language around your child and explain why it's completely unreasonable and damaging to your child and his friends. If he doesn't agree and change his behaviour then I'd be considering the relationship.

Well have you asked him when he started to think this way and why he is saying these horrible things about children all of a sudden? If he makes reference to stuff he has read online, you have part of your answer I guess

I wonder if attitudes have changed in the last 15 years but your DH hasn't noticed? All you can do is pull him up when you notice.

But you cannot explain to him that something is damaging to DS friends if he doesn't care if it's damaging or not. It's like he has no empathy.
And what - I divorce him and he gets to influence our DS every other week alone. This way I can at least try and correct..

I know of people whose partner concealed their racism / they were never in a situation for it to come out for years but not 15. Either something happened to change him or you simply didn’t notice because until it impacted your kids you never needed to notice.

Revolting. But now what? If/ when you separate he’ll have access to your son without your moderating influence. Dmil used a shocking word once in front of reception aged dd. She was adamant that it didn’t have the meaning I thought it did but never used it again after I pointed out that were DD to say it in school we’d have to go in to the see the headteacher and she’d be coming with us. Might be worth saying the same to ‘D’ H and mil.

Nothing happening, perhaps you are right that I didn't pick it up as there was nothing tangible

Views such as you describe, whether always held, hidden, gradually developed or recently developed, would be ones that I simply couldn't live with or accommodate in my life.

Could there be something going on with him to change his behaviour and cause him to be disinhibited? Early onset dementia? Brain tumour?

What content is he consuming online?

I have tried that argument too - I even said that if he demonstrates such views he'd be expelled. He's like - I don't care then he won't be going to school here (I am guessing this is him thinking perhaps his corrupted home country is a better option...yeah I think his mum definitely made an impact).

That was gonna be my question. I hate asking about a grown man but it’s amazing What kind of shit there is out there and how people absorb it.

So what was he like when you met, was it just that you never heard him be sexist/homophobic etc, and he nodded along if you ever made a pro lgbt/anti racism comment, or did you have conversations that touched on these kinds of topics and he talked specifically about things in a way that made it clear where he stood?
Just trying to understand how big of a turnaround it is. Mainly because if he was vocally anti-racist etc before, I dont understand how he hasnt acknowledged that his views have changed to you, as surely he must be aware of your own views and that this might make you look at him differently? Or do you never really talk in a way that makes your views clear either? Thats not a criticism to be clear, its just that in some couples this stuff genuinely doesn't come up.

I know, but I also have kids to think about. While they are this young and with the views and behaviours he is trying to install - I simply cannot allow him having them unsupervised.

He was never vocally antiracist, but I guess you are right - we never talked in a way that we clearly state our views - it's the thing you observe - how are you with other people, and he was just I guess normal, kind, respectful - never made a suspicious comment. Or I was so blind or focused on who knows what...but this is such a big deal for me - I cannot believe I never picked it up

GB news,Daily mail perhaps ?

Frankly I don't know, it used to be popular science and similar, def not politics but who knows, I don't always ask

No, def thinks daily mail is rubbish

At least that's a +