Partners tennis club and zero time together, I’m “controlling” him - is it control?

[Atimetolive]

Hi, I’m wondering if people can give their perspectives on this relationship and whether I’m fighting a losing battle.

I’ve been with my partner 5 years. He has DD10 and DS11. They are with us every weekend and on Wednesday evenings.

Currently my partner is running a tennis club on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. These classes are 6pm until 10pm (travel inclusive).

This leaves us with Wednesday as “our time”. I’ve expressed in the past that this doesn’t feel enough for me. But he’s told me that he’s unable to drop the commitment at the tennis club.

At the weekends, his Dds are here. DD10 has SEN and acts younger than her age. I love them both every much, I’ve been in their lives for 4 years. But weekends are full on - either driving to clubs, family days out. They go to bed around 10 meaning we don’t have evenings together either. I accepted this and fully embrace them being here. It does feel nice to feel like part of their family and I can’t fault them, they’re lovely kids.

My issue is that I feel like me and my partner are passing ships.

He’s just told me he intends to join the reserve army? He said training will take place Tuesdays 6:30-9:30.

I’m very hurt. It’s the one day a week I feel we have time to be a couple. I think we’ve lost sight of this and function more as a family unit. I know parents do not have time “off” parenting, but I am a parent’s partner. I did chose to date a man with children and I would never begrudge them being here. They’re only here 3 days a week. But every time they’re not here, DP is out doing his tennis, and now, the reserves. If he joins, it will also mean a weekend away from DDs. He’s said that they’re still welcome to come over, and of course they are, but where’s the consideration for what I want?

I’ve told him I think it will negatively affect our relationship if he maintains his tennis club and army training.. he says I’m controlling. Do you think I am controlling?

If anything he's the one being controlling. He's out nearly every night while you are looking after the house and his children??
Yep I'd be knocking this one on the head

You've got some serious thinking to do OP this isn't what you signed up for.

X

You both have different priorities. My husband and I don't have those kind of commitments because we'd miss each other. I therefore completely understand why you are unhappy but he is telling you where you fit into his priorities. Its not wrong for him to want to spend his evenings how he chooses - but you don't have to put up with it and you would be quite right to end it because your needs aren't being met.

Tell him you want to get the romance back into your life, move out and date again.

He doesn’t actually want to date you, if he did he’d make time for you. He wants you to help with the cost of housing, housework, childcare and cooking, and have sex with him. He doesn’t want to put any time or effort into being with you.

Take away your portion of rent/mortgage and bills, your childcare, housework and cooking and what are you left with? Not a relationship, there’s nothing there binding you together.

He's using you because you make his life cheaper and easier. If you move out, his life would suddenly become harder and yours would be easier, that’s how you know your relationship is inequitable.

You’re a nanny with a fanny. He likes having you around for helping with his kids/ completing family days out. Doesn’t sound like he values you as a person

Hmm, as a divorcee I always had this in mind when dating men with kids.

Kids come first. I accept that and it's the right thing to do. BUT - I'm next! Not the tennis, not the golf, not the extended family, not the job, not the pub, not sports, not the ex, - ME! Right up there after the kids.

And if he couldn't manage that I didn't bother dating him. Because I want to feel special to that person when I'm in a relationship with them.

Sounds like he's not all that bothered about spending any time with you at all!!

What kind of a relationship is that?

He is not your partner - you are his home help.
Honestly you are wasting your time here.

Whose house do you live in?

This. He's not even pretending.

No, you're not controlling.

You're being honest and he finds the truth uncomfortable so needs to shut you down.

The question is are you going to let him treat you like this or do you have enough self respect to leave? I think he knows it's the first option.

What is in this for you? He doesn’t want to spend time with you? Think about that. He Doesn’t Want To Spend Time With You. How much looking after of the children do you do? Surely the weekend he is off army whatever you are busy do something too. Who is looking after HIS children?

Have some self respect. You deserve more than this.

What's in this for you? Are you carrying for the kids on the Wednesday when he's supposed to be spending time with them?

So he's a shit partner and a shit dad. Fortunately you don't have kids together, get it off there.

@Atimetolive Sorry but he's telling you loudly that he doesn't want to spend time with you except when his children are there (makes it easier for him). Find yourself someone who WANTS to be with you not just someone who wants you to help with childcare and share bills.

So you’re his bangmaid and unpaid nanny to his kids. Got it. What do get out of this?

“If he joins, it will also mean a weekend away from DDs. He’s said that they’re still welcome to come over”

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood, but he’s going to do something that means less time with the children but he’s decided you can just look after them solo instead? He’s organising your time to be a nanny to his children without your input, and he’s calling you controlling for having a problem with it?

I would have a serious think. It sounds like he comes first in his life above all of you.

At the very least I'd start a hobby on this army weekends. A time-consuming hobby.

Might I suggest you find a find a book club/running group/ fitness class that meets every Saturday afternoon for several hours? I'm sure he would be amenable....after all he wouldn't want to be 'contolling' by saying no would he?

Oh my goodness…get rid of him. It’s only going to get worse. As soon as the kids get to the teen years and want to spend more time with their friends at the weekends he’ll start filling Saturdays and Sundays with his hobbies (whilst expecting you to be available for them in case they turn up). He’s selfish and he’s calling you controlling to divert attention away from himself.

So he basicadoesnt want to spend any time with you? At all?!

You’re just there to look after his kids so he can continue his life as he wants.

What an arse. No wonder the mother of his children divorced him.

I would start doing my own thing at weekends, or whilst he's running tennis club. Please tell me you aren't looking after his kids whilst he is at tennis?

Get a hobby that takes you out, or book a weekend away. And start looking for somewhere else to live.

This is not a relationship I'd want to be in, but you've brought it up and he's dismissed your concerns. I'm buggered if I'd beg or fight for any bloke to want to spend time with me. I'd let him crack on and if he complained about me going away at weekends I'd tell him he sounded 'controlling'.

At the end of the day, you don't have children and therefore don't have to be at home at the weekends. He does and can therefore do the parenting, the clubs and the driving.

He doesn’t want to spend any of his the with you?

why are you clinging on to a man that doesn’t want to be with you?

What’s the point of this ‘relationship’? He spends as much time away from you as he possibly can.

You’d be much better off alone.