Partners tennis club and zero time together, I’m “controlling” him - is it control?

[Atimetolive]

Hi, I’m wondering if people can give their perspectives on this relationship and whether I’m fighting a losing battle.

I’ve been with my partner 5 years. He has DD10 and DS11. They are with us every weekend and on Wednesday evenings.

Currently my partner is running a tennis club on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. These classes are 6pm until 10pm (travel inclusive).

This leaves us with Wednesday as “our time”. I’ve expressed in the past that this doesn’t feel enough for me. But he’s told me that he’s unable to drop the commitment at the tennis club.

At the weekends, his Dds are here. DD10 has SEN and acts younger than her age. I love them both every much, I’ve been in their lives for 4 years. But weekends are full on - either driving to clubs, family days out. They go to bed around 10 meaning we don’t have evenings together either. I accepted this and fully embrace them being here. It does feel nice to feel like part of their family and I can’t fault them, they’re lovely kids.

My issue is that I feel like me and my partner are passing ships.

He’s just told me he intends to join the reserve army? He said training will take place Tuesdays 6:30-9:30.

I’m very hurt. It’s the one day a week I feel we have time to be a couple. I think we’ve lost sight of this and function more as a family unit. I know parents do not have time “off” parenting, but I am a parent’s partner. I did chose to date a man with children and I would never begrudge them being here. They’re only here 3 days a week. But every time they’re not here, DP is out doing his tennis, and now, the reserves. If he joins, it will also mean a weekend away from DDs. He’s said that they’re still welcome to come over, and of course they are, but where’s the consideration for what I want?

I’ve told him I think it will negatively affect our relationship if he maintains his tennis club and army training.. he says I’m controlling. Do you think I am controlling?

You are letting this man dictate how you live your life. He is fully entitled to have a life of his own but he's forgetting that he has children and his first responsibility is to them regardless of whatever commitments he is signing himself up to.
You need to refuse to be the default childcare and tell him that you and he need to split up as this is not a relationship that includes you!!

I think you need to arrange some clubs / events for yourself every Wednesday and every weekend. Observe his reaction - but I think you know what it will be

whether you are married or not, whether the kids are yours or not, it isn’t fair for one half of a couple to get all the jam and cream and the other to get dry bread

Please wake up.
You are his childcare, free childcare.
Where is your self respect, your self worth?

Pack a bag and get out out of there now.
Believe me his first concern will be childcare.

You are totally wasting your life being used by him.

You can have a relationship without living together you know. If you'd refused to move in with him who would be looking after his DC when he's at his hobbies.

Am with everyone else here - he’s living life as a single man and not prioritising his relationship at all. You may be getting insight into why his former marriage broke up.

My question is - when did this start, because you must have had evenings together and some weekends without the kids BEFORE you moved in? I am slightly suspicious that this started once he got you settled and was his plan all along. Ie you’ve been gaslight?

Having run Brownies, Beavers, been District Commissioner and run weekend regional camping events, having had a DH who coached cricket and ran the summer matches and Winter Nets training, having taken our kids to music lessons, ice skating and Icehockey matches all over the south east - oh and DH in a high level job involving travel overseas- we NEVER had a schedule like this. There were always multiple evenings for takeaway/wine, Netflix and chill, a meal out. We never stopped talking and sharing no matter how rushed we were.

You don’t have a relationship that I would recognise as healthy. You are cohabiting with a quasi-single bloke with kids, lessening his domestic load and providing physical intimacy as required.

You may love the kids, but you need to put herself first (because he won’t). In your shoes, I’d seriously tell him to: find someone else to run tennis 2 nights a week, shove the territorial army idea where the sun don’t shine, arrange for his kids not to come one weekend a month… or you will be walking.

TBH I think I’d be walking regardless.

It sounds like he's really not that interested in spending time with you. It's not controlling to want to spend a bit of time with your partner. If I were you, I'd be off - and find someone you're more compatible with.

Hang on, who's feeding his kids and putting them to bed on Wednesdays? Or on the planned weekend away with his "army" ??

They're still welcome to come over, will isn't that generous of him.

Completely agree. Ive always said, I can come 2nd, but I'm not coming 3rd or 4th.

Helllloooooooo @Atimetolive

I’d call this one. ‘Dp, I’ve been thinking. I don’t want you to feel controlled. It’s also not ok for me to feel like your bottom priority, and fundamentally this relationship doesn’t meet my needs and hasn’t In a long time. <insert sentence about who should move out>’

This is not a man worth dating

Love is a verb OP - he is showing you he doesn’t care.

Rare we see a 100%

This guy has set you up. You pay half of the all the bills (I am guessing) look after his kids and he gets to shag you. Take away any of those things and suddenly you are not so much of a catch anymore.

He wants to live the bachelor life, while still getting laid at home, and you are facilitating that. My fist H decided that as he had one weekend off in three, he would join the territorial army (the UK version of reserve army, if you are not in the uk) as that would be one weekend in three so it was fine. Tells you all you need to know about him and he was "blindsided" when I left him the day after he came home with no wages as he spunked them all in the pub and the bookies so I had to go back to work 15 weeks pp with a disabled older child just to pay the bills.

I am sure you have his side of why his marriage ended but I would be very interested in what his children's mother says. Selfish men start and end as selfish.

No he isnt, that's the point. And to him, OP isnt worth dating as she will be withdrawing all her labour, so he will dump her. And that will show just how little he values her for who she is.

@Atimetolive do you really need to be told to chuck it to the kerb?

what are you actually getting from this relationship? You are bottom of his priorities list and there to look after his kids and home.
throw this one back and find someone who values you. You sound like a wonderful step parent and person, you deserve to be valued.

I would give it a shot at accompanying him to tennis twice each week.
Bring a book for when at tennis but enjoy the travel and eating out.
Try that. He should be welcoming, given it is the only way you get to spend time together.

I would make sure he is the one on child supervision duty too; they are his kids so he will have to be fine taking them along to Army training.

Otherwise, give him the flick. He's not that into you if he is searching for Army activity when you are there beside him, in the wings, neglected.

You say he's your "partner," so I assume you're not even married?

I'd back off from investing too much in his kids because they're only very conditionally family to you. If the two of you break up, you'll likely never even see them again, even if you are married to their father. Of course none of this is their fault but it's not your fault, either.

I agree with the others that this guy is extremely dismissive of you and seems to take it for granted that you'll fill in on his responsibilities while he ignores you and does whatever he wants.

He's got a lot of nerve telling you that you're being controlling when you object to being treated as his personal unpaid servant. At a minimum, I think you ought to tell him that the free childcare is over, starting this minute. When he starts to whine, tell him you're tired of him being controlling. Just from what you've said, I really kinda hate him.

Why does he want to be your partner if he doesn’t want to spend any time with just you?

He's not that into you.

You are being manipulated by a very selfish man, who is then gas lighting you by accusing you of being controlling. You are his home help and nanny, enabling him to indulge in all his hobbies. There are better men out there and you deserve better.

He likes you as a co-parent and helper with his kids and a facilitator of his life but he doesn't like you much as a person does he? He is doing everything to get away from you. Stop being a mug and facilitating his life.