Partners tennis club and zero time together, I’m “controlling” him - is it control?

[Atimetolive]

Hi, I’m wondering if people can give their perspectives on this relationship and whether I’m fighting a losing battle.

I’ve been with my partner 5 years. He has DD10 and DS11. They are with us every weekend and on Wednesday evenings.

Currently my partner is running a tennis club on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. These classes are 6pm until 10pm (travel inclusive).

This leaves us with Wednesday as “our time”. I’ve expressed in the past that this doesn’t feel enough for me. But he’s told me that he’s unable to drop the commitment at the tennis club.

At the weekends, his Dds are here. DD10 has SEN and acts younger than her age. I love them both every much, I’ve been in their lives for 4 years. But weekends are full on - either driving to clubs, family days out. They go to bed around 10 meaning we don’t have evenings together either. I accepted this and fully embrace them being here. It does feel nice to feel like part of their family and I can’t fault them, they’re lovely kids.

My issue is that I feel like me and my partner are passing ships.

He’s just told me he intends to join the reserve army? He said training will take place Tuesdays 6:30-9:30.

I’m very hurt. It’s the one day a week I feel we have time to be a couple. I think we’ve lost sight of this and function more as a family unit. I know parents do not have time “off” parenting, but I am a parent’s partner. I did chose to date a man with children and I would never begrudge them being here. They’re only here 3 days a week. But every time they’re not here, DP is out doing his tennis, and now, the reserves. If he joins, it will also mean a weekend away from DDs. He’s said that they’re still welcome to come over, and of course they are, but where’s the consideration for what I want?

I’ve told him I think it will negatively affect our relationship if he maintains his tennis club and army training.. he says I’m controlling. Do you think I am controlling?

Pretty sure this is the same thread that appears every few weeks and OP doesn't come back and if she does it's to confirm she does all the parenting of her partner's kids but is so desperate to stay in a relationship that she's going to continue doing it. Very odd

Men accuse women of being controlling when they try to put up a boundary.

This bloke is massively taking the piss out of you. Haven’t you had enough?

So you if he joins the reserves you’d spend more time with your partner’s kids than you would with your partner, which is almost nothing to begin with? It doesn’t sound you are really in a relationship anymore

Is the tennis club his work (like he gets paid for it) or is it playing or volunteering?

When you first join the reserves the time commitments are quite heavy. It is likely to be more than just Tuesday evenings and one weekend a month and two weeks annual training camp.
Being in the reserves is hugely rewarding and gives amazing opportunities, and it chews up your spare time!

Another totally selfish man who only thinks of himself. I really despair.

Your partner's priority is himself. He's out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday from 6-10 pm with the tennis club. The only free day he has is a Tuesday, and now he's decided to join the Army reserves, who meet on a Tuesday evening 6.30-9.30 pm. Leaving you zero evenings to spend together.

Presumably, you look after his children on a Wednesday evening, whilst he's at tennis club? Weekends you spend with his children, and so actually you don't spend any time together.

Your partner doesn't want to spend time with you. I'm sorry OP, I know that sounds harsh, but unfortunately that's the reality. You are a convenience to your partner. You're there to help financially, provide household chores, to look after the children and provide sex. To put it bluntly, you're a 'nanny with a fanny'.

You need to have a long think about what you want going forward. This situation won't improve. This is how your life will be. For the record, no, you aren't controlling. My advice, end the relationship. You deserve to be with a man who actually values you and wants to spend time with you.

Good point.

OP... care to comment?

If he doesn't want to spend any time with you, what does he want with you? Childcare and housework?

He’s using you presumably for childcare.
Also seems to be doing all he can to actively avoid spending any time with you.
why are you accepting this Op?

If he had no kids, this might be ok. And it would be controlling if you never had time apart. But what are you getting from this realtionship?

This isn't a relationship, this is utter bullshit...what's the point?

You get to provide childcare for him on his custody time to make his hobbies easier to get to?

He hasn't once thought about you, your needs or wants. You can do so much better. You are not controlling! He's just saying that so he can keep you compliant and have things the way he wants. He's absolutely mugging you off!

Your partner's priority is himself. He's out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday from 6-10 pm with the tennis club. The only free day he has is a Tuesday, and now he's decided to join the Army reserves, who meet on a Tuesday evening 6.30-9.30 pm. Leaving you zero evenings to spend together.

She told you that.

Why repeat it all back to her as if she didn't know?

His kids are nothing to do with this. He’s selfish and gives you no time whatsoever. The hobby is a choice.

Who looks after his children on Wednesday evenings when he is at his tennis club?

Great news! 🗞️ Now he’s joined the reserves army. This guy is a douche. Make plans and leave. Really you deserve better.

I don't think you are being controlling - are you taking care of his girls while he is off at tennis training? Also Army Reserves is not just evening training it needs to total 27 days over a year they use the example -

• 32 x Weekly drill nights ¼ day = 8 days
• 1 x Annual camp = 15 days
• 2 x Training Weekends (these are usually held monthly) = 4 days

Stop looking after his kids and taking you for granted. If they say they are coming over when he is due to go out, you be out too. I hate the expression, but you really are his nanny with a fanny. He wants and expects you to look after his kids while he goes out snd enjoys himself.

Your partner is a selfish entitled bastard, he puts his needs first. You need to kick him to the kerb. Sooner rather than later. This twat will not get any better.

This is the first post I’ve ever seen that is100% YANBU!!
If you don’t take this on board you must be daft.
HE’S USING YOU AS NANNY, HOUSEKEEPER AND WHATEVER ELSE YOU PROVIDE!
If he really cared for you and loved you he WOULDN’T treat you like this.
If he won’t change I would be out of this relationship in a flash. He’s shown you who he is believe him fgs!

Nope @Atimetolive you are not controlling. He just thinks your role is looking after home/family while he swans about. Tell him to do one.

The children definitely aren't the issue here. I've never heard anything like it. Everyone is entitled to a hobby or whatever but this man is taking the absolute piss. The only mid week night he doesn't do tennis is a Wednesday when he has his kids and you have them every weekend??? This is madness. It really seems like your sole purpose is to help with his kids. Please, leave and find someone who actually loves you because this man does not.

He’s volunteering YOUR time to look after his kids whilst giving you none of HIS. Get rid.

Is he coaching at his kids tennis club or it’s it a hobby for him only?

I think you’re living on scraps but it’s up to you if that’s ok. He is obviously getting what he wants from the relationship, are you?

I think you need to take up some hobbies that take you out of the house, preferably during the time that his kids are there (not to get away from the kids, but to force him to actually spend time with his own children).

Another dickhead man unilaterally making decisions to please himself without giving a shit how it impacts his partner, and then kicking off and calling his partner controlling when his partner is understandably upset

It's controlling to decide that you will be the one home alone with his children while he is out
It's controlling to make all the decisions alone about when you will actually spend any quality time with your partner
It's normal in a healthy relationship to want some quality time as a couple

Yep echo PP you're definitely a nanny with a fanny. He's got the perfect setup for himself.

You do all the care of his kids. He does everything he wants and calls you controlling for wanting some balance.

You need to drop this one.

This whole ‘controlling’ trope. It’s like they all read the same playbook and decided that calling a woman controlling is a pretty effective way to be able to do whatever you want with no regard for anyone else. Tell him to come
up with something more original.