To find this a strange attitude on here to relationships?

[Arghhhhhhwhy]

Often when people on here are asked why their spouse/partner is so great people say "He brings me a coffee in bed every morning/makes me breakfast every morning/buys me flowers every day/does all of the housework/runs me a bath every day."

I just think, every single day, really?! I can understand special occasions, being unwell etc. But I couldn't imagine expecting someone to wait on me every single day when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. The responses are always about what their husband/wife does for them, rather than what sort of person he or she is.

It depends on their Love Language. Yours clearly is not being looked after. For you, love needs to be expressed in a different way.

I don’t see anyone saying that tbh. But, if they do then it’s not really that big of a deal because I bet the woman cooks dinner, works, does the childcare and cleans and that deserves something in return. It seems weird to me because I’ve literally never had anyone that’s even fair to me let alone that treats me nicely.

I don't think I've ever read that response on here.

More likely to see something along the lines of he does the bare minimum so he's great

You leap from someone saying “he brings me tea each morning” to them expecting someone to wait on me

dh tends to bring me tea because he’s better at mornings.

I don’t expect to be waited on. I do get my own if I’m up first. But it’s nice that every day he remembers and bothers to do a small thing that is more positive for me than negative for him

and that action shows what sort of person he is - he cares about me, he understands me as a person, he wants to do something nice for me

DH brings me coffee in bed if he wakes up first and does 95% of the cooking. I don’t think that’s being “waited on”. He often gets up first and is a better cook 🤷‍♀️

you would be reasonable if that was all he did of course
but it’s an extra over being a functioning capable human who pulls his weight

My husband loves me because he doesn't bring me coffee in bed.
He used to, but he always overfilled cups, and the spillage up the stairs was very annoying.
I asked him to stop, and he has.😘

Maybe they dont quite have the space to encapsulate all the wonderful things about their other half's personality morals and worldview in an offhand post on mumsnet... just an idea.

Also maybe look at it in context, you see a lot of: 'he's a really lovely supportive partner in general' except for the reason she's posting which is that he regularly gets blackout drunk and then spends all the next day completely opting out of family life and being an arsehole to her.
'He's a good dad!' = is nice to them and does literally nothing else.

People hinge a lot on who their partner appears to be to others rather than how they actually behave...

Yeah if they’re generally overperforming in the grand gestures, there is definitely something amiss - either he’s hiding something, or he’s compensating or he’s punching and trying to cling on. Or… they might just be the one in a million like my elderly DF was with my mum 🥹.

For me, I prefer a good laugh, a solid, sensible, reliable caring type any day of the week - and an equal relationship. I can make my own morning coffee, but him defrosting my car before work on a dark winter morning is worth a thousand bunches of flowers.

It's not about expecting it or your own capability.

My DH runs me a bath every evening because I once told him I like it. The reality is I don't want one every day and I'm too busy to sit in a bath for 30 minutes so I've taken to just going in the bathroom and sitting on my phone for a bit scrolling or doing admin. Then I emerge in a dressing gown with my hair in a towel.

He's not noticed yet even though I don't have a post hot bath glow or wrinkles on my toes.

The worst thing is we're on a water meter.

Does “love language” give anyone else the absolute ick?

Love language is a crock of shift invented by someone who wanted to sell a book.
1/Acts of service - if you aren’t making your partner a drink or toast or dinner when you are- then are you even in a relationship.
2/Words of affirmation- saying thank you- bog standard manners.
3/Physical touch - holding hands, kissing, sex - really you aren’t doing this because your love language is word of affirmation- bollocks.
4/Gift giving- seeing their favourite sweets/crisps/ snack/ hummus on offer when doing the grocery shop- are you really not buying it (or at least thinking about it if your on a tight budget?
5/Quality time- spending a meal together talking, going for a walk, playing board games, doing a hobby together, going to the pub together.
“Oh but my love language is gift giving, so I don’t have to say thank you or spend quality time with you etc because I show my love by buying shit and giving it to you”

A relationship is doing all these so called love language ideas not just one otherwise it would be a fairly miserable relationship.

Just tell him you don't want a bath every evening...why waste water?

It does, but I can see that different people express themselves in different ways so I do agree considering it has value.

But you're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to think "oh, your love language is physical touch which is why all these nice things I've been doing for you isn't making you feel loved" - or say "I know your love language is gifts, but I'd much rather you said something than bought me that mug"

It's a way of understanding each other, and working out how to deal with that understanding. Not an excuse to do nothing.

Yes, obviously you do all of it, but you're missing the point.

The idea is recognising what specifically makes someone feel loved, as we aren't all the same. My husband feels most loved when I show him physical affection, hugs, kisses etc - ofc I enjoy that too, but to me it's a standard part of a relationship. But what makes me feel especially seen and loved is "acts of service" for example when he goes out of his way to scrape the ice off my windscreen so I don't have to get cold hands, just mundane little acts where he's clearly thought about me and how he can make my day a tiny bit better.

And with that in mind, in response to OP, I don't think it's sad that people mention these little things like morning cups of tea. It's not reducing your partner to just that - obviously no ones with someone just because they make a good cup of tea, that should go without saying. But it's often those small little acts that make you feel the most loved.

DH cooks me breakfast every morning, I’m much slower in the mornings so it makes sense.
He never brings me coffee in bed - I absolutely hate eating/ drinking in bed unless I’m unwell and don’t have strength to go to the kitchen.

The strange attitude I find here to relationships are the posts that begin by saying how great their partner is, and how they love them to bits - shortly before listing the many ways in which the partner is a complete and utter bastard.

My Mum said that was the only thing she missed when she had to divorce my dad because of his terrible behaviour. She missed the cup of tea in bed every morning.

So i don’t think it’s unrealistic that some people do that.

I tend to go out with idiots so it’s not something I experience. I would like someone helpful. If I actually met such a person I would probably talk about it. I have lovely, helpful friends but tend to meet selfish partners

You mean you tend to choose selfish partners.

We don't meet "partners", we meet people, and then choose to begin a relationship with them - or not.

I've done it myself!

I’m a night owl. Self employed and do my stint after dinner - including washing, ironing etc. he’s an early bird (I call him the house elf, as I’m in bed, but stuff gets magically done). Everyone is different, it works for us. I get tea, then toast, then more tea. 30+ years, this boy is a keeper.🤞🏻

Are you married to my Husband? Exactly this, I’m a night owl and he’s a lark but with a toddler we both need to be up early. Generally he gets up and showers first, nudging me to take my medication that has to be taken at least 30 minutes before caffeine, then brings me one to wake up properly with. He also does 95% of the cooking, including making all our packed lunches. In return I do 95% of our life admin, and clean clothes just magically appear in his drawers. It’s a partnership that relies on playing to our individual strengths.

Keep him, sounds lovely 💕🦷

It’s not an expectation, the other person does it because they want to. I take my DH coffee in bed every single day because I get up first and I enjoy doing nice things for him. He does similar things for me.