To find this a strange attitude on here to relationships?

[Arghhhhhhwhy]

Often when people on here are asked why their spouse/partner is so great people say "He brings me a coffee in bed every morning/makes me breakfast every morning/buys me flowers every day/does all of the housework/runs me a bath every day."

I just think, every single day, really?! I can understand special occasions, being unwell etc. But I couldn't imagine expecting someone to wait on me every single day when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. The responses are always about what their husband/wife does for them, rather than what sort of person he or she is.

One of the reason I married dh was the way he treated bar, wait, retail staff etc. And the fact we do small nice things for each other

I know what you mean. My partner teaches whilst I work from home. And during the long holidays our schedules collide, and he would genuinely make breakfast every day. He would happily go out to the shops too if something was missing. But it was actually because he likes cooking and feeding people (that’s another story).

We went through a very rough patch where he was the worst person in the world in my eyes - and he still made me breakfast!!

So it’s a weird one - but sometimes the act of doing doesn’t highlight that they are the best. But it does imply character. Some people are givers and servers, and that’s so much nicer than having a taker as a partner - which is probably why the “acts” come up the most with those questions.

But also, nobody is perfect and nice 24/7. I’m sure the responses will be different if asked “tell us what you dislike about your OH”

Yes- so well said.

If you want to know someone's true character watch their actions, not their words.

Well, often we give examples of what they do to illustrate what we love about them, I guess.

And doing something everyday is as much a matter of routine as anything! DH brings me a cup of tea in bed everyday. I felt uncomfortable with this, and tried to change it up, and the poor bugger was most put out, as this was also when he tended to Ludough - the sourdough starter. Oops, silly me.

I couldn't agree more.

I have never been able to understand why people don't actually communicate with each other. It makes no sense, and it is a massive waste of water.

These are those people who subscribe to the Disney Princess version of love.

I’m not sure my Dh has ever done those things. Okay, a couple times he’s bought me flowers (he’s bought me more fruit trees than flowers, though that probably says something about our relationship too). Only times he’s brought me coffee in bed was after I had surgery and couldn’t really get out of bed.

Trite gestures aren’t love. Real love is picking someone up when they can’t go on. I got cancer and got really ill. Dh said, don’t worry about anything. He made it such that I didn’t need to go back to work until I was better (a whole 2 years later). He worked extra hard to make sure I didn’t have any money worries and didn’t need to stress about working until I was well. When I cried because the garden looked like shit because I had no energy to look after it (normally I love gardening), he spent several weekends redoing it all so it would be easier for me to stay on top of so I could get back to doing what I loved. When I needed to rest, he did every school run (while still working FT).

That’s love.

OP, my DH brings me tea in bed every morning, but that’s because he is up first. He even got flowers for the house when I came back after being away, which really was above and beyond. He is an all round kind, loving, solid, reliable, dependable fellow who’s kind to my DC - and bringing me tea in bed is but a very small part of who he is.

Well, it’s the people who don’t have that kind of attuned relationship who fixate on the showy proposals, the Valentine’s Day cards etc — the gestures have to do all the heavy lifting, because the relationship itself is a shambles.

You see it all the time on here. The proposal has to be being Whisked Away To A Beauty Spot or in a hot-air balloon over the Burj Khalifa or whatever, because they’re ten years and two kids in, and he’s a caveman who thinks she has a natural affinity for housework and childcare because of having a vagina. Hence the compensatory proposal, in which she needs to be able to convince herself, even briefly, that she’s living the dream, and other people envy her possession of Darren who has neck tattoos and ‘can’t cook’.

How else do you really know what sort of person someone is other than through their actions? Bringing you coffee in bed may not be the kind of action you appreciate, but I would hope your partner has taken time to understand what actions you do appreciate and makes sure to do them regularly, and vice versa.

This is mean spirited and also wrong.

Daily gestures of kindness and love that arent occasional or grand/showy are the absolute opposite of "trite".

It's our actions every every single day that shows people who we are.

I am glad you have a supportive partner who has cared for you during illness but there is no need to try to denigrate or belittle others in order to make your point. It doesnt reflect well on you.

I’d wonder what on earth was going on if dh brought me flowers every day, or even every week or month.

He did once come home with an unexpected bouquet on a day that wasn’t my birthday or Valentine’s Day, so what on earth…?

He said, it was exactly 50 years since the day we first met!

I was flabbergasted. Although I remember the occasion very well, I couldn’t even have said what month it was! But ❤️❤️❤️