To find this a strange attitude on here to relationships?

[Arghhhhhhwhy]

Often when people on here are asked why their spouse/partner is so great people say "He brings me a coffee in bed every morning/makes me breakfast every morning/buys me flowers every day/does all of the housework/runs me a bath every day."

I just think, every single day, really?! I can understand special occasions, being unwell etc. But I couldn't imagine expecting someone to wait on me every single day when I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. The responses are always about what their husband/wife does for them, rather than what sort of person he or she is.

What he does demonstrates what sort of person he is.

I look after my husband every day, have done for 30 years or so. He looks after me every day.

Sometimes the balance shifts either way, sometimes the work we do for each other looks completely different.

It isn't complicated. We are a team, the team works together and carries each other. Us against the world.

@SillyPiccalilli@merryhouse sorry but it’s still a bag of shite based on “observations” made by a pastor in the states “observing” what he saw in his congregation in his church. No studies have been done to prove it. Relationship researchers and psychologists also think it’s a overhyped crock of shit. It’s another of those bullshit trains that people jump on so they can say pretentiously “oh my love language is acts of service” thinking it makes them look wind swept and interesting whilst being utterly pissed off when they haven’t been bought an anniversary present.

And isn't it interesting that most men's is apparently physical touch. I know of several church going couples where the husband has been delighted to use that book to bully their wives into providing more sex.

Only if you use it as an excuse for not being a decent person.

My dh doesn’t say much, but when I go out to the car on a dark, icy morning and find it defrosted I feel seen and cherished - even though he didn’t say, “I love you.” And he still is a good man, honest, caring, hard-working etc etc. De-icing the car for me is instead of verbalising his love, not instead of being a decent person.

I had no idea BTW that Love Language is a book or whatever posters are referring to. I simply understand it as different communication styles. Not as an excuse or reason to bully or to accept being bullied.

I make my husband a cup of tea and take it to him in bed every morning, I also make sure his socks and underwear for the day are on the radiator when its cold. I like doing it, so I do it, it doesn’t mean I’m staff or feel obliged to do it.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

DH brings me a cup of tea most mornings because he always gets up before I do.

He has just brought mine into the bedroom.

He obviously has other qualities, and we have just celebrated 45 years of marriage.

Love language is a load of bollocks

If this is a real comment then your behaviour is ridiculous and actually quite insulting to your DH.
Just tell him you don't want a bath each night! By pretending you are having one but just scrolling on your phone you are actually just making a fool of him.

Communication is actually the key to a good marriage not letting your husband do something for you that you don't want & not telling him to stop.

My Dad makes my Mam (and me if I'm there) a cup of tea every evening at about 7pm. Yes, every single day.

They have been married for 60 years and he's 90 in a few weeks.

I think it’s more about being shown consideration, yes theres loads of stuff I’m perfectly capable of doing for myself but Dh will do it for me because he’s just nice and he’s got a minute and I do stuff for him too. It’s often the little things people do for each other that show love and cost nothing. We aren’t housemates, we have a shared life and a shared project.

On weekends whoever’s at the kettle first will make the coffees, theres usually a coffee waiting for me when I get out if the shower to drink while I’m getting ready. I get DH’s favourite beers in if I notice he’s running low, DH will grab protein shakes for me if he sees some etc etc. I hate doing bath and bedtime so he does it on days when DC don’t have swimming (I shower them there) and I only do bedtime if he’s travelling. But I spend more time on taking care of schoolwork and other study. He always buys me a gift when he’s away because I assume he still likes me and missed me, It’s swings and roundabouts.

When you love someone you just want to do stuff for them. I think those acts do in fact show who they are. The sum of our actions usually correspond with who we actually are. No making a daily cup of tea doesn’t make a person a good man, a man who consistently shows through his actions kindness and consideration towards his wife and children is definitely showing who he is.

I get DH a tea most mornings. I'm a bit of an early bird. He is not. He picks up things at the end of the day when I'm done in. He almost always drives home in the evenings when we're out, for instance.

It's not expecting to be waited on (or taxied about), it's reciprocation of care and support.

I.agree that what people do is a reflection of their character.

My partner makes me a cup of tea every morning too. Sometimes it's cold when I wake up but he still does it because it's one of the ways in which he shows that he loves me.

He takes his elderly mother shopping every week after work even though he's in his 60s and up at 5am for work; he drove my daughter's stuff 180 miles back to university because his car is bigger than either of ours even though I travelled with her in her car. He drives me to and from nights out with my friends if I want him to so that I can have a drink and get there and back safely. One of my friends is disabled so he drives out of his way to take her home afterwards... I could go on.

Yes, those are all things he does but they show the person he is. It isn't that I only value him for what he does for me (or others).

I red a letter in a magazine, many years ago, from a woman whose DH brought her breakfast in bed from the very next day after they returned from their honeymoon. Every day.

The day he retired, he stopped. She asked why his retirement meant she no longer got breakfast in bed? It turned out he’d done it because he couldn’t bear anyone being around him in the morning when he had his own breakfast and got ready for work..

I don't see those responses much on MN. It's all a bit trivial if that's the reason you love someone! To be fair MN is so negative about relationships in general maybe other responses aren't respected. Like 'he is generous' is twisted to he is trying to control you or financially abuse you. 'He is kind' is he is love bombing you and trying to abuse you. He is affectionate means he is a porn addicted pervert. There are many people on here who cannot accept some people have good stable relationships and love to take others down.

Yes, especially when you look up its (completely baseless) origins.

It’s not about the tea/flowers though. It’s about the person showing consistently every single that that they are thinking of you and want to show you they love you.

I make my husbands breakfast, lunch’s and dinner every day, I make his bed, I read to him every night, I clean his clothes and his house and wash his hair. I do this because he’s been very unwell for the last year. And yes, it damn well is showing him love because on top of two jobs and a full time degree it’s hard to sacrifice so much of yourself for someone else’s comfort. Acts of service are an expression of devotion.

It is the little things that matter, I think.

I get up earlier than I need to so I can sort out my DH's meds out in the morning. He has to eat 30 mins before one tablet, but he ideally needs to take that tablet about 30 mins before he gets up so that it is starting to take effect.

So I put them on his bedside cabinet with a cereal bar or a piece of toast just as his alarm goes off. He can eat straight away and can then take his tablet 30 mins later, and it's starting to kick in when he gets up and he is in less pain. I also make us both a cup of tea and usually bring mine back to bed to drink it with him.

Of course he could sort his own tablets the night before and put a cereal bar out. He does this when I go away. But I do it because I want to.

He does considerate things for me that he doesn't have to and I am capable of doing for myself. It's these little things that matter to me.

Ive seen those comments and I think what they are trying to express is their partner's generosity and daily actions that make them feel loved.

Big grand gestures are fine but its how you treat someone every day that makes them feel loved and supported.

I actually feel really sad for you if you interpret those comments as people demanding to be waited on hand and foot.

What a sad, miserable view of the world.

If am asked about what is great about my husband i would answer something specific to him that stands out maybe something that happened that day, but it can change tomorrow and be something else then

It wouldn't be a general thing it would be something specifically he does personally, so what answer would be acceptable then?

So do you just live like flatmates then, making your own drinks and meals. Never doing anything for the other person unless it’s their birthday or they are ill because you’re both capable adults.
Seems odd to me.

My grandparents were married 72 years and he took her tea in bed every single morning. She did stuff for him every day too (like making dinner). He took her anywhere she needed (she didn't drive) and always went and opened the door on her side first. It's only a problem when it's all one way.

It does, I cant imagine making myself a cup of tea and not also making one for DH, saying no sorry, I am only doing this for me, you'll have to wait until next year on your birthday 🤭

Bloody sad.

I don't see very many posts as you describe, certainly none that says their partner brings them flowers every day !

My DH brings me coffee every morning, he gets up before me and is making himself one at the same time, so why not one for me too? I do lots for him.

The responses are always about what their husband/wife does for them, rather than what sort of person he or she is

What somebody does IS who they are. This is one of the lessons you learn as you go through life.