Can anyone else just not be bothered with friendship anymore?

[Dothisdothat23]

I'm fortunate to have a good relationship with my family, a loving partner and my pets, but I've always believed it's important to have your own friendships.

I have casual friends/acquaintances but I'm done striving for anything more now. Life is busy for people, that I understand and I'm certainly not expecting daily conversations, weekly meetups or anything of the sort, but I'm getting absolute breadcrumbs.

I am a more reserved personality, that does not mean I don't talk, I don't have a sense of humour or anything. I'm interested in people, I try to have a laugh, I share things about myself, I'm reliable and on time, but I'm just never the one they're drawn to.

I feel like you've got to have some sort of show-stopping personality to have close friends, and I honestly can't be bothered anymore. I have my own interests and hobbies, if I'm boring then so be it. I feel like I'm down to earth, I don't brag, but I'm not constantly negative either. It constantly feels like friendship is very transactional and conditional, people can only be bothered with what's directly in front of them and what's the easiest for them.

I've given up with the people who frequently don't reply, who never initiate first and who are always busy, I'm fed up of not being valued and getting nothing back. Anyone else? Eventually il try a new club or something, but i just feel burned out from it all atm.

I worked with a woman for about 1.5 years, thought we got on well and she said she was sad I was leaving, we went to a couple of mutual social events.
I followed her on Instagram about 3 months ago (she has hundreds of followers including colleagues past and present) she accepted, but didn't follow me back. I've just noticed she removed me as a follower, it sounds so minor but when you feel fragile stuff like that just stings.

An ex even commented on how I 'don't seem to have many close friends'. People don't actively dislike me, they're nice to me, just seem very 'meh'.
I'm done really, it hurts to see big groups of women in close-knit circles on social media. I do get invites to weddings and large events, but outside of that they don't see or speak to me really so it's weird.

I've been the organiser many times, we'll meet for a coffee twice a year in a location that suits them if i organise it all, but that's it. No trips together, films or anything.

I think it's potentially time of life too - a lot of my friends just don't seem to have any get up and go for stuff anymore, they seem to blame perimenopause for everything 🙄

I just think, come on we're only in our 40s! They're behaving like they're almost dead some of them - let's enjoy ourselves! And I am only talking often about things like having a cuppa, am not expecting some wild partying (though I would like that occasionally too ha ha!)

It seems a shame how much people seem to give up on themselves at such an early age.

I’m sorry OP, making friends in adulthood is tough especially if people have kids and jobs, it sucks up all your time and making time for a new friend isn’t top of most people’s list.

I think there are things like Bumble BFF and clubs started on social media for women to make friends (30 girls club is one) but a lot of them are concentrated in London or other major cities. What about work? The majority of friends I’ve made as an adult have been through work.

I really value all of my friendships, they are so important to me and lots of my friends feel like family rather than just friends, but none of them behave the way you describe.

The few friends I have in this city are from my last job and they're largely the ones I have to make all the effort with. In my current job it's mostly lone work so doesn't lend itself to making friends easily.

I'm in a large city so I'll take a look at those groups listed, thanks.

I honestly think that you either find your people or you don't. If you don't then you can try to make the best of your acquaintances but even if you make a lot of effort it's unlikely that they'll turn into good friends. I get why people give up when it feels like they're putting in a lot and getting out very little.

I don’t have a show stopping personality. I do have close friends. Not sure what that adds to the thread…

A lot of the time i have noticed that friendships are actually quite transactional. By that i mean that people choose friends for what they can get, usually a feeling of higher social status, or someone who will always agree with them that they can control, someone who is friends with a higher status person they want to get 'in' with, or someone with the same bias or enabling habit as them that makes them feel normal or excused for how they are. When you really look at most friendships you can actually see that they are quite shallow.

I first noticed this when i was quite young, at work i would keep hearing people slag off their friends or complain about them. I used to be puzzled why you'd be friends with someone you don't seem to like or respect, then after a while i realised it was bc they got something else out of the relationship than just pure friendship.

I had only a had a few close friends at school, and after school i just stuck with one, we were really close from primary all the way through and knew everthing about each other, like sisters. Sadly she died at 25. It was like losing a life partner, i never thought i'd find anyone like that again, and i didn't want one of those superficial friends. Luckily i did find another person like that, but it wasn't until i was in my 40s.

I'm sure that you can find a friend, but it's a bit like finding a partner, it has to be the right person for you. It can take time.

I feel for you as I really value friendships. I have a friend who has stuck by me through a dark period of my life (despite actually not having been friends for a long period of time, met at work). I have a loving partner too but sometimes you need a friend to rely on too. I don’t feel a burden to her and genuinely know we can rely on each other. I would feel a bit lost without those sorts of friendships. It’s hard to force is I guess so I don’t know if I have much useful advice but feel for you!

Many people look like they have groups of friends, but they are not real friends. They make really good pictures on the socials tho.

Its hard op. Im 50s. Friends are working full time. Nobody wants do things! I have a small circle prob 3 max. Found people non comittal too never suggest dates etc. You end up leaving it as interest isnt there. I found that lonely. I tried hobbies that fizzled out too

I certainly don't have a 'show-stopping personality' (whatever that might mean), I am extremely particular about who I befriend, and still I have good, close friendships -- I've never found friendships 'transactional and conditional'.

Obviously, I've occasionally got someone wrong, or a friendship I'd felt very invested in turned out to be purely situational from the other person's POV, but generally friendships have brought nothing but joy and enrichment to my life, and I've never experienced the kind of issues that seem to come up on MN all the time ('negging' friends, 'friends' you don't really like and who don't really like you, WhatsApp group dramas etc). I think in part it must be that I am very fussy about who I make friends with. Not everyone is my cup of tea, and equally, I won't be to everyone's taste.

I definately don't. I'm constantly misunderstood, i run away from small talk, i can't recognise faces (awkward) and have unusual taste in films and music. Good friends is always possible, but i know my limits.

YABU. I would rather have friends than family 100% of the time. I have known my oldest friend for 50 years, and many others for 40+ years. Excepting my husband, my friends are the most important people in my life, and I wouldn't want to be without them.

My friends live all over the country.... in fact, most of them don't live in my city. You can have friends anywhere.

I think we’re all just exhausted and fighting our own stuff op, do literally only have time for the people in our vicinity, even online! You sound tired. I think forget about it for now and see what happens in the future x

I don't think I've had many real life friends for quite a while. I've moved around a lot as an adult, even moving countries so that makes it difficult right there. Plus being in my 60s I just can't be bothered too much. Maybe I'm just boring that could be it. I'm not up on the latest TV shows or movies. What is interesting that on a couple social media sites I have 25,000 followers and I have no idea why. I'm not an influencer I'm not selling anything I don't think I'm that clever or funny.
I don't even think I'm that bothered by the lack of friendships. my life is very peaceful in my retirement I had so many obligations before children, spouse, workmates, family and I'm a bit relieved to not have to do all that anymore and plus I'm not lonely at all I have my cat I have my adult children we visit sometimes I think that's enough.