Can anyone else just not be bothered with friendship anymore?

[Dothisdothat23]

I'm fortunate to have a good relationship with my family, a loving partner and my pets, but I've always believed it's important to have your own friendships.

I have casual friends/acquaintances but I'm done striving for anything more now. Life is busy for people, that I understand and I'm certainly not expecting daily conversations, weekly meetups or anything of the sort, but I'm getting absolute breadcrumbs.

I am a more reserved personality, that does not mean I don't talk, I don't have a sense of humour or anything. I'm interested in people, I try to have a laugh, I share things about myself, I'm reliable and on time, but I'm just never the one they're drawn to.

I feel like you've got to have some sort of show-stopping personality to have close friends, and I honestly can't be bothered anymore. I have my own interests and hobbies, if I'm boring then so be it. I feel like I'm down to earth, I don't brag, but I'm not constantly negative either. It constantly feels like friendship is very transactional and conditional, people can only be bothered with what's directly in front of them and what's the easiest for them.

I've given up with the people who frequently don't reply, who never initiate first and who are always busy, I'm fed up of not being valued and getting nothing back. Anyone else? Eventually il try a new club or something, but i just feel burned out from it all atm.

Yes. Those peiole are your tribe. ‘Tribe’ doesn’t necessarily imply large numbers or solely group friendship.

Sure, i met her at a work conference. We bonded at the drinks after, found we both worked in similar industries, both work in systems/IT, both had 3 similar aged kids (with a big age gap due to a surprise late baby), both stuggling with aging parents.. plus very similar interests and taste in music and tv series, and a liking for alcohol! We helped each other get our trains home and connected on linkedin. We live 100 miles apart but facetime on whatsapp most days after work, just help each other out with work and family stuff and talk about the series we are watching. We travel to meet up and go to concerts, exhibitions, etc every couple of months. I can talk to her like i used to talk to my best mate years ago.

It certainly does help to be at the same point in life, that was a big reason we bonded so easily, as well as having compatible personalities and intetests. Shared experiences a big factor.

I think you’re right about doom scrolling being a factor. But I also think there are people you are describing who are quite possibly more introverted than they realised and/or are neurodiverse but don’t/didn’t know it and as they have got older then just going to work or dealing with family life is actually genuinely tiring for them in a way that didn’t affect them when they were younger or pre-kids.

I'm happy for you. It's definitely harder to find really good friends when older. I hope you continue to have a long and happy friendship with her and that you stay good friends in older age.

I totally understand this. I’ve overall had negative experiences with friendships as an adult. It’s not been helped that I spent my 20s freelancing and working with different people every couple of weeks so never really got close to anyone that way. Now in my 30s I have made some friends by becoming a mum but more of a it’s convenient to us as our kids play together rather than us being especially close if that makes sense.

I had many close friends from college, uni and high school who I loved dearly well into my 30s. However, as soon as I became a mum many of them distanced themselves which hurt. Then a few years ago we had a nightmare situation in our family and the amount of friends who betrayed my trust or let me down when I needed them just turned me cold and not particularly care about friendships anymore. I’d rather have my surface level mum friends who I know where I stand with than people who I believe would be there for me who turn their back.

I could have written some of this. I often wonder if I didn’t reach out to meet my friends if I’d ever see them. I have stopped making an effort with some

I dont really have friends.

i had a good friendship group from 17-30 but then when I had kids and they didn't - we just had nothing in common anymore, its my own fault as they still tried to include me but I just didnt feel I belonged anymore, our lives were so vastly different.

Even before that, I'd always been part of the group but never at the centre of it, most people weren't that bothered if I was there or not. And most wouldnt want to chat or meet up with just me on my own.

I have had various situational acquaintances like uni, sports clubs, hobbies etc but none I'd consider close friends to meet up with outside of the situation.

I wish I had the type of friends who could pop round for coffee even if the house is a mess. Or have days out with our kids. But I think I've accepted that real friendship just isn't for me and to make do with the casual acquaintances - knowing if I leave the groups they come from there likely won't be a friendship that remains.

I don't quite get this answer- people have lived socially, but were these friends in the sense of our friends now? I'm not sure. People had people they saw at church, for example, and whole families were friends with other whole families if they lived close in the neighbourhood. It was a different pattern of living, less all in individual houses, and the need to collect together and socialise through the church or religion was different (depending where it was in the world). People also socialised a lot with their own families which were larger with more brothers and sisters and cousins and if you lived in the same neighbourhood, you would have hung out with who they married.

The level of maintenance needed for friendships when everyone lives in separate houses, 100s of miles or even in different countries, and their lives don't naturally overlap is much higher. I have lots of friends, but it is hard work fitting it in. I'd like to spend more time with them, but this evening, I've been sat working til 10 on admin. Mumsnet is low energy, properly chatting with a friend is high energy, I could send a lazy text but what is that achieving?

@grinandslothit

"Maybe I'm just boring that could be it. I'm not up on the latest TV shows or movies. ... my life is very peaceful in my retirement"

Thanks for raising these two ideas. I'm happily retired and used to go to a Pilates class with 60ish women (my age) and the conversations revolved entirely around TV programmes (none of which I'd watched, partly because I didn't have a TV) and grandchildren (I'm childfree).

Maybe the OP wants something different from an IRL friend? Good luck! (Must get out more...)

I have felt similarly OP, except that I’ve come out the other side of feeling like I don’t want to bother with friendships and I’ve thought recently about trying to find a social group to join or something similar.

I do have a friend I made at a baby class - I’d consider her a very good friend and I feel lucky. But that’s been a more recent thing. We meet up very occasionally without the kids because we get on well, and it’s great that the kids love each other too. We have more in common than just the kids, which is why it works.

What strikes me though is that while she is pretty much my only friend, I’m not her only friend. She has a best friend, and a group of friends she goes out with, and it makes me feel a bit embarrassed that I don’t have that too.

When I was younger my parents had a huge social group, we’d go to friends houses all the time, they’d come to ours, people would knock and come in and we’d do the same. I just don’t have that at all. Even if I wanted to invite a group of girls round for a dinner party I wouldn’t have anyone to invite but the one friend referred to above!

Someone else has said it but I do wonder if this is more common than we’d otherwise believe. It can feel quite isolating knowing that other people have left you out of something and not really understanding why.

I have 1 friend. We've been friends for 42 years. I love spending time with my husband and my children and grandchildren. I'm part of several groups but I'm not bothered about making new friends that extend outside those groups. . I enjoy other people's company in brief lumps. The older I get ( I'm 61) the more I just can't be bothered with other people outside my family bubble.